


If it Hadn't Been for Love

by justonewordpond



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Slow Burn, Southern Jonathan Crane, buckle in this is going to be a long one, so tender, the slowest of burns, violence will be much later and will have a warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:07:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 60,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22502224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justonewordpond/pseuds/justonewordpond
Summary: After an unexpected escape from Arkham, Jervis and Jonathan escape to a hideout far from the Gotham city limits. Safe from the Bat, the two are free to explore their feelings for one another, and the almost too-easy thrall of domesticity.
Relationships: Jonathan Crane/Jervis Tetch, Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 82
Kudos: 179





	1. Awake

**Author's Note:**

> All characters in this are a combination of various Batman media and my own personal headcanons. The majority of Jervis' backstory is from Batman the Animated Series, although he is much shorter as he is in the comics. Jonathan's backstory is mostly Zero Year and the Animated Series.

Cold. He was cold.

Jervis found himself standing in an unlit hallway. He blinked around at his surroundings, trying to make sense of where he was. Under his feet he could feel a threadbare carpet and his clouded mind managed to connect the dots.This meant he was shoeless  _ and  _ sockless. Either he had been lucid enough to take both layers off at some point or someone else had taken them off for him. 

He moved his feet, marveling at how the worn down carpet felt on his bare soles. It felt expensive, or that it had been expensive a long time ago. The wallpaper, now peeling and in some spots completely torn from the wall, also hinted at a grandiose history that the house no longer lived up to.

Forcing his body to move, Jervis meandered down the hallway. He hadn’t the slightest idea where he was but that was not in itself abnormal. Over the course of his criminal career he had found himself waking up in all sorts of places with all sorts of fuzzy memories. While it wasn’t something he particularly enjoyed, especially when the inevitable lucidness brought in waves of guilt, horror, and embarrassment at whatever atrocities he had committed, it had still happened enough times to become nearly routine. 

Halfway down the hallway he realized that there was a blue blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He shivered a bit and wrapped the blanket tighter around himself, his face nearly disappearing into the folds. Socks, where were his socks? The rest of his clothes were.. Itchy? Itchy and stiff and cheap feeling. Jervis detested the feeling.

At the end of the hallway was a stairwell and Jervis trailed his fingers across the cherrywood banister. It too felt the same smoothness as the carpet from years of usage, a distinct contrast to the fine layer of dust that now coated Jervis’ hand. He didn’t seem to notice, he clutchced onto the banister as he followed it down the stairs. Decorating the walls of the steps were large discolored patches of wallpaper in large oval and rectangle shapes. Jervis knew he should be able to infer something from these but his mind felt too heavy to process it. 

“ ‘I— I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’” Jervis quoted as he got to the bottom of the stairs. It comforted him to have some kind of grounding in all of the confusion around him.

How on Earth had he gotten here? Where was here, exactly? Jervis knew he should be frightened, and in a way he was indeed scared. But there was something else here. Another small part of his brain told him that he knew where he was. He wished dearly that that part of his mind would just work, just this once.

Clicking. 

Jervis suddenly became aware there was a clicking like someone speedwriting on a typewriter. He unquestionably followed the noise, a strange sense of almost deja vu bubbling at the corners of his mind. The clicking led him into a room and the moment he stepped into the doorway he could see it for what it really was. He was standing in an  _ enormous  _ library. Jervis’ eyes lit up as he saw the rows upon rows of books that lined the entire room. On the floor there were several stacks of books, some taller than himself. 

At first glance Jervis would of assumed the room to be as abandoned as the rest of the house if not for the single lit reading lamp in the center of the room. It illuminated a pair of high backed turned away from him, facing instead a dark fireplace.

“Hello.” a voice said from behind one and Jervis’ face paled with a combination of gratefulness as the recognized it and a sinking feeling of dread.

“Jonathan?” He asked, walking over to the chairs.

Jonathan sat with two long wooden knitting needles in his hands. Strung between them was an unintelligible mass of weaved mahogany yarn. If Jervis had to guess he would assume Jonathan was in the process of making a sweater. His left eye had one of the worst shiners that Jervis had ever seen but this was not unusual for the man.

“Good, you know who I am this time.” Jonathan said, finishing the row he had and placing the needles gently in his lap so the yarn wouldn’t fall from them.

“Of course I know who you are! What am I doing here?” Jervis asked.

“But you don’t remember that. Interesting.” Jonathan nodded, his dark eyes glancing over Jervis.

“What’s interesting? Where am I?” Jervis asked him again, trying to transform the tremor of fear in his voice to one of demand instead.

“Sit down.” Jonathan motioned to the twin chair besides him and Jervis looked at it uneasily before doing as he was asked.

“Tell me the last thing you remember.” Jonathan said. He hands trailed back to the knitting needles in his lap, continuing where he had left off but his eyes remained on Jervis.

Jervis fidgeted his hands together, nervous at first, and then far more nervously as he tried to think of what the last thing he could remember.

“Arkham?” He said and then when that sounded right he repeated it more firmly. “We were in the rec room…. Playing chess? Only we weren’t really playing as someone had stolen one of the bishops so we were just talking.”

“Do you remember the conversation?” Jonathan asked.

Jervis tried to think of the words but all he could remember was Jonathan’s face. He had looked apprehensive, maybe a tinge of worried even. And then under that there was an excitement in his eyes.

“I asked you to do something.” Jervis said, screwing up his face in concentration. In his memory he saw Jonathan’s eyes grow wide and then he could remember nothing else. “Dear me, what did I ask you to do? How did we get here?”

Jonathan took a moment to answer, the clicking of knitting needles taking up the silence between them.

“How are you feeling Jervis?” He asked. 

Jervis opened his mouth to argue with him and then closed it again.

“I’m cold. I’m so cold.” He realized. He was so cold his teeth were chattering and his hands were shaking. Jonthan leaned over and put the back of his hand against Jervis’ forehead and then his cheek.

“I’ll get you another blanket.” Jonathan put his knitting down on the chair and disappeared into the hallway. By the time he got back a moment later, Jervis had a fever, sweat soaking his hair. Jonathan nodded and put the blanket on the side of him.

“Anything else?” He asked as he sat down.

“I hurt.” 

“What hurts?” Jonathan questioned patiently.

“Everything. And-and nothing.” Jervis said, and from his worried face it was clear that this wasn’t one of his usual nonsensical statements. “I think- I think I should hurt but I don’t- why don’t I hurt?”

“Breath.” Jonathan said and he took in a deep breath and let it out through his nose. Jervis tried to follow his direction. “Good, try to relax. I’ll get you something to drink.”

“Do you have tea?” Jervis asked and then frowned when Jonathan shook his head.

“Afraid not, I’ll get you some water.” Jonathan said, and he went back into the hallway again. 

Jervis made a face at that and then pulled the other blanket around his shoulders as he found himself freezing again. Something wasn’t right- something was very, very, very wrong and it scared Jervis that he couldn’t put his finger on it. What had happened to him? 

“Jervis?”

The man jumped as Jonathan appeared in front of him with a coffee cup full of water.

“Did I fall asleep?” He asked, confused at his grogginess.

“You did indeed.” Jonathan noted, sitting down in the chair opposite him again. “Now do you mind if I do some tests?”

Jervis eyes grew wide at the suggestion.

“No, n-no tests- don’t- don’t- can’t do any- please don’t-” Jervis babbled, his hands now shaking so bad that water splashed from the cup onto his lap. He didn’t seem to notice.

Jonathan frowned. “ Nothing involving fear toxin, I assure you. Just want to see how you’re feeling.”

“No- no tests.” Jervis insisted again. He stood up so fast his vision blackened and his hands slacked. Water began to splash onto the carpet as the cup in his hands tilted forewords.

“Chris’sake Jervis.” Jonathan scolded, snatching the cup out of his hands. He used one of the blankets to try to soak it up. “Sit back down, I’m not gonna hurt you.”

When he didn’t move or respond Jonathan stopped and looked at him. Jervis was staring ahead with glassy eyes, clearly not processing what Jonathan was saying. With a sigh he helped Jervis sit backwards into the chair again. 

“Oh, Jervis.” Jonathan sighed. He got to his knees with a soft groan, years of being Batman’s personal straw filled punching bag was finally catching up to him. 

Jonathan pulled a small black flashlight of his shirt pocket and used his thumb to pull up Jervis’ right eyelid. He waved the flashlight back and forth in front of him, and then tested his other eye. With another soft groan Jonathan got to his feet. He went back to his chair and pulled a small notebook and pen out of the basket with his skeins of yarn. He checked his watch before writing the time at the top.

Currently nonviolent

Still suffers from amnesia surrounding the incident- possible side effects of head injury

Added signs of withdrawal -high fever/chills

Jonathan glanced over the rest of his notes, he’d filled nearly sixteen pages so far, before tucking the notebook back in between skeins of yarn. He went back to Jervis and lifted him bridal style in his arms. It had felt awkward carrying him at first but now Jonathan felt that the much shorter man fit comfortably in his arms. He made his way back through the house, humming an old country song as he climbed the steps.

He let Jervis down in the same bed he’d left him in hours before and tossed the blanket over him again. He turned to go but stopped himself, looking over Jervis. He reached out and tucked the blanket around him a little better.

With that he retired back downstairs to his knitting once again.


	2. As Friends

It was nearly three hours until Jonathan heard Jervis stop in the doorway again. He put down the book he had been reading. 

“Jonathan?”

“Come in, please.” He answered him

Jervis came in, once again wrapped in the blue blanket. His hands were shaking but his eyes looked clearer then they had in months.

“I… I was down here, and then I was in bed again.” He said, standing in front of Jonathan.

“You remember being down here this time?” Jonathan asked, leaning forward, happy at the progress.

“Yes- how long… how-how did I-” Jervis stuttered before shaking his head, trying to clear the cobwebs from his mind. “How did I get back up there? Did I fall asleep?”

“Yes you did, and I carried you.” Jonathan said.

“Oh.” Jervis muttered, blushing a little which Jonathan noticed. He reached out his hand to feel his forehead.

“Are you feverish?” He asked.

Jervis chuckled a little to hide his embarrassment and waved his hand away.

“I feel better, I’m just cold now… you said this time?”

“Hm?” Jonathan asked.

“You said I remembered being down here this time? How many times have I come down here?”

“Six.” Jonathan said. “And there was once where you attempted to but didn’t make it down the stairs. So six and a half.”

“I don’t remember that.” Jervis said. He frowned and looked up at Jonathan. “A-am I going mad?”

“No, my Hatter.” Jonathan chuckled, shaking his head. “I’ll get you another drink. Maybe you’ll refrain from spillin’ it on my carpet this time.”

Jonathan brought him the coffee cup full of water again and Jervis took it as he sat down in the armchair . He took a small drink and then realized just how thirsty he was and downed the rest within seconds. 

“Can I have another?” Jervis asked and Jonathan nodded. He refilled the glass and brought it to him again, this time with a straw.

“Drink it slower or you’ll make yourself sick.” Jonathan advised him and Jervis tried his best to heed his warning. 

“I’m glad to see you conscious enough to drink again. To be with you, Jervis, I had to administer an IV.”

Of course at that Jervis pulled the blanket off to look at his forearm. There were quarter sized bruises around two small red dots, the telltale signs of a needle prick. All in all his arm didn’t hurt much, certainly he’d had much worse bruising from getting blood work at Arkham. He looked more closely at the bruises, they were a bit yellow around the edges, on their way to being healed.

“Jonathan… how long have I been there?” He asked.

“Three days.” Jonathan said.

“Three- three days?” Jervis stuttered. “What happened? Why am I here?”

“You don’t remember that yet?” Jonathan asked.

“No! No- you  _ must  _ tell me Jonathan- you must.” Jervis demanded, his face stretching into worry.

“Okay. I’ll tell you.” Jonathan promised him. He settled down in his chair. “Earlier, you recalled our conversation in Arkham but said that you did not remember what we talked about. Do you remember that?”

“Yes,yes.” Jervis said, wanting Jonathan to get to the point.

“You were very sick.” Jonathan said and with that Jervis nodded his head excitedly as he remembered.

“The pills, I- my new psychiatrist had me taking all of those a-awful new pills.”

“It seems he assumed that throwing a handful of pills at you to see what stuck was a viable way of treating mental illness.” Jonathan said. “Shitty and irresponsible even by Arkham levels.”  
“That’s why I asked you...” Jervis said, trying to remember his exact wording. 

“You asked me to take care of you, to be your new psychologist.” Jonathan said.

“Yes!” Jervis said, too happy that he was remembering to recognize the look on Jonathan’s face as apprehension, or to feel self conscious of what he had asked his friend. “But before you could answer there was a noise, I remember this loud noise. And then- my-my face  _ aches _ .” Jervis said, reaching up to feel his cheeks and mouth.

“The Joker’s latest escape. I don’t know how he did it but he had enough gas and explosives to take down the entirety of or wing.”

“How did we escape?” Jervis asked, trying to remember what had happened after the loud noise in his memory but coming up blank. His hand went to rub his forehead and he felt bandages. Jerivs pushed that thought out of his mind for now- if he hadn’t bled out already he certainly wouldn’t now. His physical wounds would wait for his personal inspection after this. 

“Well as obnoxious as the Joker’s gas is, it does share more properties with my fear toxin then not. While the entirety of Arkham succumbed to it I was mostly unaffected due to my tolerance. I pulled you from the rubble and carried you out of Arkham.”

“Where are we now?” Jervis asked.

“One of my safe houses. We are about an hour from Gotham.”

“Are we safe?” 

“As safe as we can ever be in this line of work.” Jonathan said. “But from Batman, you mean? Yes, I believe he has his fair share to take care of, including an escaped Joker. If we lay low we should be unbothered here.”

Jervis nodded at that, glad at the answer. 

“Before you said we’ve been here for three days.” Jervis said, then. “I’ve been unconscious from the Joker’s gas for that whole time?”

“No, that began to dissipate by the time we arrived here the first night.” Jonathan said. He remembered Jervis’ hysterical laughter that sounded so close to crying that he had checked on him constantly until he had completely recovered from the gas. “You were however injured in the initial blast from the Joker's escape, including several head lacerations and a concussion. Alongside that you have been suffering from severe withdrawal from the medication your therapist had you on.”

Jervis had to take a moment to process everything. He was safe, good. He was with Jonathan, good. He was three days into withdrawal which meant that the worst was nearly over. That was the best news of all. And then he realized something else.

“You never answered me.” He said. Jonathan gave him a look of not understanding what he meant.

“About becoming my psychologist.”Jervis clarified.

Jonathan skipped a beat and then gave a laugh.

“You can’t of been serious, Jervis.” He said.

Jervis’ face dropped, proving that he had indeed been very serious. 

“Well, yes, we’ve known each other for how long? And… and well I was thinking- there really isn’t any else I trust like I do you, Jonthan.”

“You don't trust anyone in your gang?” Jonathan asked.

Jervis snorted at that. “No, and besides the Wonderland Gang doesn’t need a Hatter apparently. They’ve been doing well for themselves, much better than I’ve been doing incidentally.”

“Jervis, you know I’d love to help you but I’m not qualified for that anymore. It wouldn’t be ethical of me to,”

“Ethical?” Jervis nearly shrieked with laughter. “You’re pulling out the ethics card? Really, Jonathan?” 

Jonathan chuckled a bit and waved his hand in an ‘oh alright, stop laughin’ kind of way.

“Still,” he said, and then he sighed. “By agreeing to become your psychologist I would be under… obligation to help you.”

At the wording Jervis crossed his arms, immediately pissed off.

“Well I’m sorry that you would feel  _ obligated  _ to help me, did you feel obligated to bring me here too? You could’ve just left me in the rubble.”

“I misspoke.” Jonathan assured him. “I do not regret bringing you here with me, rather I feel I would give you false hope. Besides my ways of treatment clearly bring you anxiety. It would be unwise of me to try to treat you in the ways that I believe in.”

Jervis bit his bottom lip and couldn’t help but feel downtrodden. It had not been a spur of the moment decision that he had asked Jonathan. He had debated about it for two weeks, mulling over the pros in cons should Jonathan even agree to the job. Of course the cons had been pretty heavy, Jervis had never taken a dose of the good doctor’s toxin and wasn’t keen on agreeing to a daily regimen of it in the form of ‘therapy’.

On the other hand though, he did trust Jonathan and he was sure he would try what was best for him. Maybe that was unwise, Jervis knew if he had asked anyone else’s opinion on the matter they would have assured him it was suicide to even consider it. 

“This does not mean that I will not help you as much as I can, as a friend. A friend with extended medical knowledge. If that is what you would wish.” Jonathan added.

Jervis smiled at that and put out his arm.

“As friends.” He said. 

Jonathan chuckled as he took Jervis’ hand and shook it.


	3. Miles to Go

“How long can I stay here?” 

“Hm?” Jonathan looked up at him. A breeze picked up around them, swirling Jonathan's shaggy hair into his face and catching the tail of his yarn. It floated like a kite string until the wind slowed and dropped it back down to the dusty Earth. Jonathan sighed and reeled it back in, trying to brush the debris off of it. 

“How- how long can I stay here? With you?” Jervis asked him.

“Oh.” Jonathan said. “Would you like to leave?” 

Jervis sat down on the porch step next to him. Still wet from his shower, his hair dripped onto the sleeves of the too big sweater Jon than had given him.

“No, no, just- I didn’t want to overstay my welcome.”

“You haven’t been conscious for an hour and you think I’m sick of ya?” Jonathan said and then frowned when Jervis nodded at him. “No, Jervis. You’re welcome here as long as you want to be here. I expect you have business to attend to in Gotham, as I will in time. But for now…”

“For now? What do we do?” Jervis asked. 

Jonathan shrugged, looking out into the unkempt yard.

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, Jonathan’s knitting needles clicking away like hungry birds filling the silence. After a few minutes he reached for the skein of yarn but Jervis beat him to it, picking it up and unraveling a few feet of it for him.

“I didn’t know you knew how to knit.” Jervis said, running his hands through the soft yarn.

Jonathan nodded. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

“I suppose you’re right. Who taught you?”

“I taught myself, in Arkham. Figured it was a better way to pass my time rather than sit around bein’ pissed off. I used to pull strips from my bed sheets to practice with instead of yarn and use two pencils for needles.”

Jervis was a bit in awe at his ingenuity. He had spent, or rather wasted, his lucid time in Arkham fiddling his thumbs in comparison to Jonathan.

“Could you show me?” Jervis asked.

“You’d like me to teach you?” Jonathan asked him, surprised.

“Yes, I’d love to.” 

“Well. Alright.” Jonathan said. “I can pick up some needles and yarn when I head out later.” 

“You’re leaving?” Jervis asked, voice quick.

“Yes, there's very little food in the house. If you would like to make me a list of things you’d like I’ll do my best to pick them up.” Jonathan said. “And the color yarn you’d like too, of course.”

“Blue, light blue!” Jervis said. “Or… green? Maybe an oxford blue?”

“You’re gonna have to be less specific, Jervis, I’m an educated man but I don’t know what hell Oxford Blue looks like.”

Jervis laughed and nodded. “I’ll love anything you pick out.” 

“I doubt that.” Jonathan said but he smiled at Jervis.

Jonathan lifted up the piece of paper closer to his eyes as if seeing it in better detail would help him decipher it. Jervis’ cursive was neat, much neater than Jonathan's own chicken scratch.The thought crossed his mind that he wished it were worse so he’d have a viable excuse on why he hadn’t picked up a few things on Jervis’ wish list.

“Need help with anything?”

Jonathan looked away from the paper to the young woman besides him. 

“No, thank you.” He said on instinct. He found it best to lay as low as possible in the weeks following an escape for Arkham, and that included overly helpful customer service. 

“No problem, just shout if you need anything hon.” She smiled before turning away. 

Jonathan looked down at the paper again and then sighed. He’d been in this aisle for at least a half hour. At this point it would be considered less attention to just accept help and be able to leave the store.

“Actually, you can help me with somethin’.” He said, holding out the paper to the young woman who looked at it. Jonathan pointed a bony finger at Jervis’ crisp handwriting spelling ‘chartreuse.”

“What the hell is that?”

The young worker laughed.

“It’s like a yellow green color.” She said. She led him an aisle over and plucked a rather pear colored yarn from the rack and handed it to him.

“That’s chartreuse?” Jonathan asked, looking over the yarn.

The woman laughed politely again. “I’m afraid so. I take it you’re shopping for someone else?” 

“Yes, and it seems they’ve made it as difficult as possible for me.”

“Can I see the list again? I can try to make it a little easier for you.”

Ten minutes later Jonathan walked out of the craft store with two large bags full of yarn and a decent, much more decent then his own thrifted, pair of knitting needles. Jervis had only asked for one skein of a list of possible colors but once Jonathan had seen all the options he hadn't been able to choose and bought a selection of each. He also hadn’t skimped on himself, he’d found the last three skeins of burgundy yarn he needed to finish his sweater and a chunky charcoal yarn he planned on making a scarf from.

Jonathan tossed the bags onto the passenger side of his truck and then his eyes drifted skyward. Stars. When was the last time he had seen stars? The smog of Gotham had long since turned the city into a blank slate of sky. It must be over two years since he was out here, before Scarecrow had taken a few weeks of his life and landed him in Arkham again. 

Jonathan realized he had zoned out and quickly shook his head. He took a deep breath of the refreshing early fall air and got back into his truck.

“Miles to go, miles to go.” He muttered before putting the truck into drive and pulling out of the parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your dear author is a knitter so I warn you there will be many joyous descriptions of yarn in the upcoming chapters.


	4. What Friends Do

“Jervis?” Jonathan called as he came into the dark house. He hoped that the blond man would come running to help him with the groceries, as was his polite nature, but instead he was met with silence. 

“Jerv’-aw fuck!”Jonathan yelped as one of the stuffed grocery bags gave out, sending a half dozen apples rolling across the foyer. Jonathan shook his head at them, his face set in clear disapproval at their behavior. Abandoning them for now, Jonathan hitched the plastic bags up as best he could and just managed to make it into the unlit kitchen. 

He pushed the groceries onto the table, and then was surprised when he heard the sound of a glass breaking. With another frustrated groan, Jonathan turned on the light and found a glass vase smashed on the floor. A small bouquet of wildflowers lay in the middle of it, which Jonathan recognized as the usual sort that grew around the back of the house. 

“Christ.” He said, picking up the dripping flowers and putting them into a coffee cup for lack of a better location. The glass he knew was a dilemma and he eventually settled on picking up the small shards and placing them into a newly purchased paper towel, before disposing of it into the trash. 

With annoyance now, Jonathan called Jervis again. Just like the last time, he was met with silence. Jonathan would never have admitted it, but a tinge of worry pulled at his chest. Had Batman tracked them there? Had he already stolen Jervis away, back to Arkham? Was he waiting for Jonathan, laying low in the shadows like the nocturnal nuisance he was?

Abandoning the groceries, Jonathan began to search the house. He moved with a quietness that came with familiarity. He knew what floorboards creaked and where furniture was even without the lights so he moved in the cloak of darkness, hoping at the very least to catch the Dark Knight by surprise should he be there. 

He decided to start upstairs in the bedroom he had designated for Jervis,thinking the other man was fast asleep there. Instead he found the room empty and the bed sheets cold. Jervis probably hadn’t been there since coming down some hours previously. Jonathan brushed his hand against the mess of blankets, memories from the last three days flitting across his mind.

With a frown, Jonathan moved onto the next room: the bedroom he had picked out years ago for himself. He rarely slept up there, opting instead for the library’s armchair or on the porch if the weather permitted. The bedroom had always felt too big, too open for his comfort despite being the smallest room in the entire house. He also knew that the room had once belonged to the last owner’s son. He had seen pictures of the man. He looked handsome, well groomed and well loved. Jonathan had never felt right in that room even after replacing the mattress.

It was clear after a quick glance over of the bathroom that Jervis wasn’t upstairs. Jonathan came back down the steps, a bit peeved that Jervis was clearly playing a game with him. That had to be it, he was just playing a game with him, Jonathan told himself. No, he wasn’t worried, he was pissed off that Jervis was acting like this. Jervis was a grown man, damnit, and hide and seek was ridiculous even for him. 

“Come out, Jervis.” Jonathan called, crossing his arms in annoyance as he walked through the hallway. The only place he hadn’t checked was the library, which Jonathan had initially dismissed as it was the first room after you walked down the foyer. Jervis should have heard him calling him, or woken when the glass vase broke. 

Jonathan was, however, pleasantly surprised to find Jervis in an armchair in the library. He was curled up so deep in blankets that Jonathan initially passed it off as empty until he spotted a tuft of blond hair sticking out from the folds. With a sigh of relief Jonathan turned on the lamp. Even the sudden full light did not wake Jervis. Jonathan paused, studying him for a moment until he could see the tell tale rise and fall of blankets and knew he was still alive, most likely in deep sleep due to the spacing of his breath. 

Hesitantly, Jonathan reached foreword and then pulled back his hand. Maybe he should let Jervis sleep.He needed his rest to recover, after all. But then Jonathan thought of all of the groceries that Jervis had asked him to get and decided that the blond man was not getting out of this by sleeping. No, he was going to help. 

“Jervis?” Jonathan asked, shaking his shoulder. 

The much smaller man moved so quickly Jonathan didn’t have time to react. Jervis’ hand wrapped around the collar of Jonathan’s shirt, pulling him down as his other hand raised up to swing at him.

Just before he swung, Jervis paused, blinking a few times, and then promptly let go of Jonathan's collar.

“I… w-where- '' He said, and then Jonathan watched Jervis’ face change to horror as he realized what he had done.

“Oh, Jonathan, I-I’m- I’m  _ so  _ sorry!” Jervis bleated, reaching forward to try and touch Jonathan's arm in a comforting manner. Jonathan pulled away from Jervis’ touch and rose to his full height again.

“I got your groceries.” He said simply before turning away from Jervis.

“I- I really didn’t mean it I would never-never hurt you Jonathan I- you scared me is all, you just scared me.” Jervis tried to assure him as he ran after him.

Jonathan looked down at him.

“Never hurt me, hm?” He asked, turning his cheek so Jervis saw the bruise on his eye better. He got the hint. 

“D-Did I do that?” Jervis asked.

“Second night here. You ripped out your IV and then attacked me when I tried to put it back in.”

Jervis was quiet for a moment, feeling absolutely terrible.

“Should I go?” He asked.

Jonathan looked up from the bag of groceries, hand freezing halfway from pulling out a large box of instant raman.

“Not on my behalf.” he said. 

“You don’t want me to leave?” Jervis asked, surprised.

“Jervis.” Jonathan said, voice tired, “If I wanted you to leave you’d know it, alright'?”

Jervis was quiet for a moment and then nodded.

“Okay.”

“Great.” Jonathan said. “Help me with this, will you?” 

Jervis scrambled over to Jonathan, climbing up onto a chair so he could peer into the bags. He unpacked them with speed, placing everything onto the table. 

“You got my biscuits!” Jervis squealed, pulling out a package of chocolate tea biscuits and immediately ripping them open and stuffing several into his mouth. “I haven't had these in months!” 

Any annoyance that Jonathan had about the last twenty minutes dissipated as Jervis looked up at him, cheeks stuffed full. Jervis caught him looking and offered him the box. 

“No thank you, “ Jonathan chuckled, pulling out a couple of bags of chips from a grocery bag.

“Those are my favorite!” 

“I know, that’s why I got them.” Jonathan said.

“But I didn’t ask for them, how'd you know?” Jervis looked at him confused, taking a momentary break from stuffing his face.

“You told me.” 

“When?”

“Few months ago.” Jonathan said. “I recall you falling asleep in the library and mumbling something about them in your sleep.”

“I did not do that!” Jervis shrieked with delighted indignation, although he could not truly know one way or another. Still, a dream about crisps should have stuck in his mind simply for the fact that it would’ve been a break from his near-constant nightmares.

“Something along those lines.” Jonathan said. He tossed the bag at Jervis who caught it and ripped it open. “I also got your tea.”

At that Jervis’ eyes lit up and he lunged at the bag Jonathan had mentioned. He joyfully tore into it, pulling out a small plastic wrapped box. However, the moment his eyes processed what it really was his face dropped.

“Oh.” He said, trying to hide his complete disappointment.

“Hm? Something the matter?” Jonathan asked.

“Oh, no, no. It’s just... you got this American garbage.” Jervis said, holding up the box of sweet tea packets so Jonathan could see the cover of it. On the label was a large pitcher with a comical face on it.

“Is that what that is?” Jonathan asked, feigning ignorance by leaning forward and adjusting his glasses on his nose as if he were taking a better look at the offending object.

“Unfortunately so.” Jervis said, literally turning his nose up at the tea box.

“Well looks like you’re either going to have to drink that or die of dehydration until I find the time to go out again.”

“That’s not fair Jonathan!” Jervis said.

“When have I ever been known to play fair? Who do I look like to you, the Bat?” Jonathan teased him, continuing to unload groceries onto the table. 

At that Jervis paused. Maybe Jonathan really had forgotten his tea, the one he had put on the list three times and underlined twice. He had written it in both his usual cursive and plain script just in case Jonathan had had trouble reading it. But maybe he really had forgotten. Either that or he was punishing him for something. Maybe this was for the black eyes, or the work he’d put him through dragging his unconscious body an hour out of Gotham.

“It’s fine, thank you for getting me what you did.” Jervis said with a smile. Jonathan gave him an unreadable look before opening a bag and handing him a box of the tea he had asked for.

“Just teasing you, how could I forget? You wrote it on there eighteen times.”

Jervis accepted the box, grateful of Jonathan's generosity. He opened the lid and breathed in deep. 

“Really makes me feel human again.” He sighed.

“Well you’re gonna feel human for at least another... two days.”Jonathan said, handing Jervis a bag full of the Twining tea boxes. Jervis looked down at the plastic bag that had what he estimated to be at least ten boxes and then looked up at Jonathan.

“What? Did I get the wrong flavor?” Jonathan asked.

“No, they’re perfect it’s just … why are you doing this, Jonathan?”

That took Jonathan a moment to wrap his head around. He shrugged a little as he emptied out the last bag of groceries. He gathered all of the dried noodles he bought and started filling the cabinet.

“Just got you what you asked for.”

“Yes, but this is a lot Jonathan this is...this is a lot. I’m grateful- don’t get me wrong. It’s just, I- I don’t deserve all this”

Jonathan was quiet, focused on putting the cans of condensed milk Jervis had asked for into the cabinet. He frowned to himself when he realized that there was no way Jervis could reach it up there without hopping up onto the counter. He moved the cans back to the table which meant that he had to see Jervis staring at him. Ignoring Jervis’ eyes, he picked up the milk and slid it into the fridge.

“... it’s what friends do.” Jonathan told the fridge. “Isn’t it?” 

The second comment seemed confused, Jonathan himself wasn’t quite sure if it was what friends did or not. He had never had anyone buy groceries, or anything else for that matter, for him. 

Jervis barely heard the comment but when he processed it he understood. He hopped down from the chair and went over to hug Jonathan. The minute the other man felt Jervis’ arms around his middle Jonathan froze like he’d matched eyes with Medusa. Jervis quickly let him go.

“Sorry, sorry,” he said.

“Hand me that corn, will you?” Jonathan said as he motioned over his shoulder at the table, clearly choosing to pretend that the last five seconds of his life had never happened. Jervis was fine with this and did as Jonathan was asked, just barely able to drag the heavy plastic bag over to Jonathan who began filling the entire bottom shelf of the refrigerator with them.

Jervis leaned on the refrigerator door and watched him stack the corn cobs onto a second layer. By his count there were over twenty of them. Jonathan focused on trying to fit them into the now filled fridge, silent in his endeavor. Jervis took the hint that Jonathan clearly didn’t want to talk about his honestly terrible diet. Instead he looked through the mish mash of groceries on the table, trying to formulate a plan.

“How do you feel about baked apples for dinner, my Jonathan?”

Jonathan thought about the apples laying in the hallway and it managed to raise a smile from him. 

“Sounds wonderful, Jerv’.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter features some familiar faces. I'll leave the riddle up to you to who it could be.


	5. Rumors

The first sixteen years of Jonathan’s life had been spent on a farm, if you could call it that. Jonathan did not have another word to describe the barren landscape of his childhood, but if forced to pick a word farm would have to do. He had grown corn, or tried to at least. The Georgian heat had not been kind to anything they put in the ground. Yellow-brown stalks pushed their way out of the cracked Earth and then stood straight in rows like the ghosts of soldiers. 

During this time Jonathan had always taken to rising early, sometimes when it was still dark out. He told himself that it was an attempt to prepare himself for the horrors that his Great Gramma would certainly pull over his head that day, but deep down he knew better. He knew it was because he was afraid. Afraid of the day to come, the same monotonous stretch of heat, broken only by violence and exhaustion. He woke and he laid in bed and he was terrified.

Later in academic life, despite being safe from the threat of his Great Gramma, his body refused to be broken from the same path. He went to sleep late, just to wake a few hours later in the wee light of morning. This resulted in teaching mostly 8AMs to hungover college kids who would rather be in bed then listening to his lessons. Although he doubted that if he taught an evening course they would have been anymore astute to his classes.

That way of life had quickly gone out the wayside the minute he crossed the path into becoming a professional criminal. Jonathan finally found himself able to sleep when he wanted to sleep, and woke when it was convenient to him. Apart from being in Arkham, at least. But on his own he would sleep anywhere, anytime that he should please.

This was one of those days. Exhausted from watching over Jervis for the past several days, Jonathan now allowed himself a full nights sleep in the bed of the room he had not spent any time in in the last several days. Perhaps it was the true exhaustion of the missing sleep catching up to him, or the gratitude of his body for actually being laid to rest in a bed and not an armchair, but Jonathan awoke well, well into the afternoon. 

Like a bear waking from a long winter, Jonathan now trudged through the hallway, brushing a hand against the bristle of a beard on his chin. He needed to shave, needed a shower. His body didn’t want to waste the effort but he knew it was something that a functioning, healthy person should do. There were steps he had to take, a routine to get back into that included toothpaste and a razor.

It wasn’t until he got to the end of the hall and found the bathroom door shut that he even remembered that there was another soul in the house. It took him a moment to remember who it was, his head heavy with the sleep that still tickled his mind. He knew if he didn't have to piss so badly he would still be asleep. 

To be honest, Jonathan was more than annoyed at having to wait to use his own bathroom, especially in the freshly awoken state that he was in. He had never lived with another person since his Great Gramma and as lackluster as that home had been he had had his pick of two bathrooms. 

Jonathan was about to wrap his knuckles on the door in annoyance when he heard the muffled vomiting from behind the door.

“Jervis?” He asked. “You alright?”

“I don’t feel well.” Jervis said plainly and then there was the sound of him throwing up again.

“May I come in?” Jonathan asked him.

“No, no.” Jervis said.

“Why not?” Jonathan asked, crossing his arms in annoyance. He leaned against the door to attempt to hear the other man better.

“I… I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like this.” Jervis said. Jonathan let out an angry breath loud enough for Jervis to hear on the other side of the door.

“I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

Jervis groaned and then there was the sound of vomiting again. When he spoke again his voice was raspier, deeper with strain.

“It’s just the withdrawls, I’ll be fine. This isn’t the first time I’ve been off my pills. Poor stomach just finally had something in it to toss up.”

“Fine, well, if you feel like you're going to pass out lay on your side so you don’t choke on your vomit.”

Jervis gave a breathy laugh. “Will try to do, I assure you.”

Jonathan debated on just opening the door and then decided better on it. Maybe he should just let the other man have his privacy. When he was done Jonathan could check his temperature, make sure he got something to drink and eat. But for now Jonathan went outside and pissed in the woods and then came back inside and made himself a cup of coffee. 

As the pot brewed away his eyes caught his cell phone, still plugged in and untouched on the counter where he had left it before his previous incarceration. He had glanced at it a few times over the last four days and ignored it, wanting to remain as unbothered for as long as he could. But he knew that eventually he would have to open it and release Edward Nygma back into his life. Jonathan sighed as he flipped the phone open and held the power button on until the garish green background filled up the screen. Ed had given this phone to him ten years ago and he’d never been able to figure out how to change it. He hadn’t really tried either, as that was effort he wasn’t willing to spend on something he checked once every two years and then completely forgot about.

Immediately the phone began to buzz with messages as if Jonathan had unlocked a hive of bees. The small envelope symbol quickly went from having no messages to every message anyone (Ed) had sent him in the last year. There were nearly five hundred messages and a hundred missed calls. 

With a groan Jonathan opened the messages and began to hopelessly scroll through them. Mostly they were coded, Ed’s way of keeping any plans between the two of them unbreakable to the police but they made sense to Jon. But in the last six months or so it seemed they were now just a mix of jumbled ramblings and riddles. Or about thirty texts in a row complaining about various things that Oswald had done, which to Jonathan’s glance over mostly compiled of Oswald ‘ignoring’ him. There were also some pretty good insults about Jonathan being an old petulant piece of shit, but they were very creative. Jonathan had to say he was impressed at Ed’s use of vocabulary.

Jonathan was chuckling at one rather impressive insult when the phone began to ring and a caller ID that had only question marks came up. Speak of the devil. Jonathan mentaly prepared himself and then picked up the phone.

“OH so NOW you want to talk to Edward Nygma?” 

“Well no, not really-”

“Good! Because we have unfinished business Jon, unfinished business that you have been avoiding like the black plague. Am I really that repulsive to you? Wait- don’t answer that, I know I’m not.”

Jonathan groaned and covered his face with his hand.

“What do you need from me, Ed? I haven’t even had my coffee yet.”

“Oh, have you just woken up? Nothing like a good slumber until 3 PM to really get the day moving, hm?”

“It’s already three? Christ, must of really-”

“Yes Jon, you wasted half of the day, now don’t waste the other half. When and where can you meet me, if you’re done hibernating that is.”

“I can… wait a minute.” Jonathan stopped in his tracks. 

“The usual will work fine for me, Oswald just got some of that disgusting drink you like in, the one with the pumpkin on it. I had him buy it specifically for you in case of a breakout, and here you are released again upon the Earth.”

“No, no I can’t meet you today.” Jonathan said, shaking his head.

“And why not? Did you have some other plans for the last six hours of your evening?” Edward asked, annoyed that Jonathan didn’t even acknowledge the effort he had put in for him, going out of his way to order some of the disgusting swill that he was so fond of.

“Jervis is sick.”

“Oh, so the rumors are true!” Edward nearly squealed on the other end and Jonathan held the phone a few inches away from his ear for a moment.

“I don’t know what ‘rumors’ you’ve heard but yes, the two of us escaped together.”

“What I’ve heard is that you carried him out in your arms, and now you’re living together.” Edward cooed on the other line. “So when is the wedding? You know Oswald would just love to host your reception at the Lounge, he’d-”

Jonathan could hear Oswald in the background asking Ed who was having a wedding, which meant Edward was most likely walking around the Iceberg Lounge flaunting this conversation at the top of his lungs. Jonathan’s face blushed and he debated on just hanging up on him. He knew it would piss the other man off to no ends and there would definitely be future repercussions but damn that green man-

“Jonathan! Can you believe it?” Edward said, face away from the phone but still clearly close enough to still be heard. Oswald’s laugh on the other end was enough to make Jonathan’s entire face to become red with blush.

“Whatever you’re implying is false, Nygma,-”

“So I’m Nygma now? Hear that Os? I’m really in trou-”

“Nashton.” Jonathan said and then Ed was finally quiet on the other end. “Whatever you need from me will have to be postponed.”

“Well with that attitude I suppose I’ll just keep your share then.”

“What are you going on about?” Jonathan grumbled, rubbing his forehead. He could feel a headache coming in.

“Does the name Delgage mean anything to you or did the Bat finally knock those last few neurons loose-”

“Delgage! How did that go?” Jonathan jumped, remembering the scheme that Edward had let him in on shortly before his unrelated incarceration a few days later.

“Oh, only  _ you  _ could forget a four million dollar jewelry heist, Jon. And I ran it, how do you think it went? Now, where can I deliver your humble portion to, hm?”

Jonathan debated on asking Edward to hold onto it for a bit longer, and then remembered that he had already spent a rather good amount that he had stashed here on groceries and yarn. What should have lasted him months he had spent in a period of a day. But he had never been good at budgeting money, he had to admit.

Stealing would be an option, but now he had to take enough for two and he couldn’t take the risk of getting caught over some tea. Besides he could live on corn taken from the neighboring farms but surely Jervis would never agree to that. And besides, a part of him didn’t want to make Jervis agree to that. 

“If you wouldn’t mind the drive, I’m an hour out of the city.”

“Oh, so your usual haunt out in the woods!” Ed said, “How roman-” Jonathan gave a threatening growl into the phone and Ed was smart enough not to test it any longer. “I’ll be there with bells on!” 

Ed paused for a moment. “Is your Hatter contagious?”

“No, he’s just going through withdrawal from his medication.” 

On the other end of the phone Ed grimaced, he had been through his own fair share of self induced withdrawals. “I can bring methadone, I’m sure I could drum some up”

“Yeah, that would be swell if you could.” Jonathan said. “Thanks.”

“Well I am a benevolent Riddler.” Edward said. “Now I’ll be there around six,”

“One more thing-” Jonathan cut in before Ed could hang up on him. “Can you bring Jervis some clothes?”

“He doesn’t have any clothes?” Edward asked in a manner that made Jonathan regret bringing it up at all.

“All he’s got is his things from Arkham. Lord knows nothing of mine would fit him.”

“Alright, I’ll stop at Carters on the way, anything else my esteemed 

Scarecrow?”

“Don’t be ignorant Ed. I would get some for him myself but I don’t know the first thing about that. You have better eyes about that stuff. And please get him something in a color other than green. Something in blue. Oxford blue, if they have it. ”

“Oxford Blue? You’re learning!” Ed cheered. “I do hope you know this is coming out of your share, of course.”

“That’s fine. Thanks.”

“Oh a thank you from Jonathan Crane, such a wonderful sound.” Edward sighed dreamily. 

“Goodbye Ed.” Jonathan said, flipping the phone shut.

  
  
  


“Jervis?” Jonathan called, wrapping on the bathroom door with his knuckles. “Still conscious?”

“Very conscious.” Jervis assured him.

“Edwards coming to see me, we have unfinished business. Hope you don’t mind.” He added the latter quickly.

“Of course I don’t, I- '' Jervis stopped suddenly and sounded like he was about to vomit again.

“He’s also bringing some methadone, it should help with your withdrawals, along with a set of clothes for you.”

“Oh thank goodness.” Jervis laughed a little airily. “Thought I was going to have to raid your closet while you slept.”

Jonathan frowned as he heard Jervis dry heaving. “Can I come in?”

Jervis was quiet for a moment, trying to stop his tumultuous stomach. He flushed the toilet and gathered what little strength he had to sit up and put himself into some kind of presentable manner. 

“Okay.” He said.

Jonathan opened the door and Jervis looked up at him from the floor, trying his very best to look okay. It wasn’t very convincing. Jonathan sat down on the side of the bathtub and looked Jervis up and down. He had taken off his orange Arkham shirt, leaving just a white t-shirt. Jonathan spotted the offending shirt crumpled up in the corner. 

“Tossed up a bit on it.” Jervis said, voice small. He looked away from Jonathan.

“I’ll get you one of mine in a sec.” Jonathan promised. He leaned forward to feel Jervis’ clammy forehead, which was still warm but lower than it had been the last four days. He got the glass he kept on the sink and filled it with cold water and passed it to Jervis.

“Drink up, you must be dehydrated.” He watched Jervis drink it then got him another glass. “How long have you been here?”

“I’m not sure it was still dark when I woke up.”

“So you've been laying in here by yourself for about 12 hours.”

“Time flies.” Jervis gave him a small smile and tried to stand up. He managed to get to his feet but had to grab onto the toilet lid for support. He took a few deep breaths before doubling over, unsure if he was going to vomit again. Jonathan hesitated and then patted his back a few times until Jervis flinched away from his hand. 

“Sorry.” They both said together and then Jervis looked down into his glass, avoiding Jonathan’s eye.

“I-” They both said again after a moment and Jervis playfully slapped Jonathan on the knee.

“Stop copying me Jonathan!”

Jonathan laughed and held his hands up in a ‘sorry’ manner.

“I’ll get you that shirt.”


	6. A Conversation

Edward Nygma was a generous man, or so he told himself. Who else would come all the way out here, braving the unlit half-paved roads. He would be lucky if he got out of this nightmare without a flat tire. He doubted even road services would be able to find him out here. Would anyone be able to find him out here? It had been ten minutes since he’d seen another car on the road and the complete isolation was making his skin crawl. 

He drove past a cornfield, and then another cornfield, and then a large sign advertising a corn maze. This was followed by what looked like a hand painted sign in a cornfield saying that all sinners were going to hell.

“Oh nice neighborhood, really like the threat of damnation. It's a nice touch.” Edward said. 

“Left onto Deep Creek Road,” his GPS informed him and Edward scrunched up his face at the name. However, despite his disapproval he pulled onto the road, and then made another quick turn onto the absolute creepiest dirt road he had ever been on. Ed knew he was paranoid, how could he not be in his line of work, but right now he was practically hearing chainsaws and banjos. Maybe he could cut his losses and turn around. He could tell Jonathan he had other business to attend to and he could come get his money if he really wanted it. Edward was no longer a delivery boy.

But then he would never get the chance to see Jonathan’s house, which he’d helped him buy almost a century ago but never been allowed inside. The mere fact that he had brought Jervis there struck a jealous cord within Edward and added to his hypothesis that there was something going on between the two of them. 

Ed turned onto yet another dirt road, indistinguishable from the last twenty he had been on and then gave a hearty sigh of relief when his headlights lit the outline of Jonathan’s house. Edward parked and got out of his car, smoothing down his jacket where it had wrinkled from sitting for so long. He knocked once at the door, and then when no one answered he knocked again, firmer. 

“Come now, Jon, it’s not polite to leave a guest waiting!” He called. He looked for a doorbell but couldn’t find one. He waited a moment longer before kicking over the worn out welcome mat and picking up a key from underneath it. 

Letting himself in, Ed was immediately struck by the sound of laughter. Could that be- was that Jon laughing like that? No, Ed had never heard him laugh like that, so deep from his belly like he had just killed someone in the scariest way ever. Maybe this was some kind of long-con and he was really torturing Jervis- but no, there was the Englishman's soft laughter as well.

In the kitchen he was struck with the sight of Jervis sitting on the table, Jonathan standing next to him but doubled over in laughter. Jervis had a bowl of something soupy and green in his hands and both of their hands and faces were splashed with the same shade of green slop.

Ed cleared his throat. “Don’t the two of you know it’s rude to keep a guest waiting?” 

The two jumped a bit, Jonathan moving a few inches away from Jervis on instinct and then the two looked at him and burst into laughter again.

“I would normally ask for the joke but I don’t think I’d care for it.” He told them, putting his hands on his hips. 

“Right as always, Ed.” Jonathan greeted him. Jervis went about pouring the liquid into a large cake pan and then sprinkled a handful of flour dusted cherries to the top. He hopped down from the table, balancing the large pan in his hands. He put it on the stovetop for a moment, before he got oven mitts on. He took another pan out of the oven and then slipped the green cake pan inside. 

“I didn’t know either of you could bake.” Edward noted, going over to look at the dish Jervis had pulled from the oven.

“Well I certainly wouldn’t be British if I couldn’t make Shepherd's pie, hm?” Jervis chirped, obviously very proud at what he had made. “Have you ever tried it?”

“Yes, in fact, Oswald has it made quite often.”

Jervis nodded and motioned for Ed to sit down at the table. Jonathan grabbed plates down from the cabinet, making a mental note to put them down lower next time so Jervis could reach them in the future. He placed them around the table, ignoring Ed who was very pointedly trying to wiggle his eyebrows at him from across the table.

Jervis placed the pan in the middle of the table and began to cut large slices of the pie. He passed a slice to Edward, then to Jonathan who happily took it as he sat down.

“I feel like we should be saying grace or something.” Edward laughed. The entire kitchen had a homey feel to it, a warm feeling. He looked down at the dish in front of him. It smelled strongly of herbs and although Edward had eaten at the Iceberg Lounge before embarking on the journey out here he found his mouth watering.

“I’d rather you didn’t.” Jonathan said, taking the offered bowl of vegetables from Jervis and adding some to his plate. He began to quickly fill his mouth and Jervis shook his head and placed the small gravy boat beside him.

“Bloody animal.” He said fondly, before passing the vegetables to Edward. “I’m sure it’s not as good as what you’re used to.”

“Oswald does keep me well fed, I’ve put on fifteen pounds at least this year. Good thing I haven’t had any personal run-ins with the Bat lately.” He paused a second, taking a bite. “This is actually pretty damn good.”

“Thank you.” Jervis smiled, very pleased at the turnout. He had been apprehensive to make it at first, not knowing how the two Gothamites would appreciate the food of his early life but they seemed satisfied enough with it. “How is Oswald, Ed?” 

“Just fantastic,” Edward gushed, then unable to help himself, he added, “He’s thinking about opening more Lounges across the country, I think he should aim for more.What’s Manhattan to Paris, Amsterdam even. He would make an absolute killing across Europe.” 

“Surprised it’s taken him this long to spread his wings.” Jonathan said, looking up from his plate for the first time since it was put down in front of him. 

“Well he’s had his hands in so many other endeavors here in Gotham, and it's much more difficult to manage organizations as big as the Lounge overseas. But he’s got the best bookkeeper in the business. That’s me.” He added, a tinge offended when the two looked at him with confusion.

They settled into a comfortable conversation, which consisted mostly of Edward catching the two up on what they had missed during Jonathan’s eight month, and Jervis’ seven month incarceration. Despite his own queasiness Jervis pushed seconds onto both of them, happy to see Jonathan eat something substantial for the first time in living memory. 

In spite of Jervis’ best efforts to hide it, Jonathan noticed as Jervis’ face paled throughout dinner, his hands becoming shakier and shakier until, right in the middle of Edwards retelling of Harvey’s latest robbery, Jervis’ hands began to shake so badly his fork dropped from his hand. Not that it had had anything on it, he’d been pushing food around his plate the entire evening but the noise was enough for Edward to stop talking and for Jonathan to look at him worriedly.

“Sorry-sorry just.... not feeling well again.” Jervis said, putting both hands in his lap so neither could tell just how bad they were shaking. The last thing he wanted was yet another person to see him like this, especially one that if he was completely honest with himself, he didn’t trust not to tattle and mock him to Oswald later in the evening.

“The methadone.” Jonathan said, suddenly remembering what he had asked Ed. “Do you have it?”

“Yes, it’s in my car. Why don’t you get it and all the other bags out of my car?”

Jonathan would normally complain about being told to do things by Ed but he let it go for Jervis’ sake. Besides he was the one who had asked him to bring it in the first place. He got up from the table.

“It’s in the trunk, you’ll probably have to crawl in to reach everything. It’s one of Os’ more spacious towncars”

Jonathan rolled his eyes at that but slipped on his boots and was out the door. Jervis was more than relieved to have anything that would help him. With a newfound strength he gathered their dishes and stacked them into the sink.

“I’ll make some tea, do you take sugar and milk?” He asked.

“Just milk, please.” Edward said as he went through his coat pockets and pulled out a medicine bottle. He passed it to Jervis who looked down at it.

“I thought Jonathan was getting it from the car.”

“Forgot I had them on me, silly me.”

Jervis knew that was a blatant lie, Edward would never admit to forgetting anything, his self proclaimed genius wouldn’t allow it. It was a coverup to get Jonathan to leave.

“How many should I take?” He asked, wondering if he should wait for Jonathan to come back in to ask him.

“According to my sources one should work, but if needed you can take a second. It’s hard to judge based on your resistance.”

Jervis popped two out of the bottle and dry swallowed them. Edward made a “Okay don’t listen to me’ motion with his hands.

“So how long is Jonathan going to be locked in your trunk?”

“Well he hasn’t been locked in there yet.” Edward smiled.

“Are you going to try to take him back to Gotham?” Jervis said, fingers trailing against a knife in the sink while he pretended to soak the dishes.

Edward laughed at that. “And listen to his bitching for the next hour? No thank you, the only voice I can hear for that long is my own.”

“Then why?”

“Because it’s been so long since I got to talk to you Jervis!” Edward said.

Jervis scoffed as he placed the teacup in front of Edward and sat down beside him at the table, his own cup sternly in hand.

“Let’s be honest Ed, have you ever considered me your friend?” He asked, very sober sounding.

“Well Of course! Why would I be here if not?”

“Because you want something from me?”

“Always assuming the worst. I can see why Jon’s taken to you. You’re two of a pair.”

Jervis coughed on his tea at that.

“What do you mean by that?”

Edward laughed again. “You of all people should know I say what I mean and mean what I say’, or something along those lines” he quoted, making Jervis fingers itch.

“Don’t.” He asked politely before adding, “and I assure you I have no idea what you mean. Jonathan is my friend.”

“With benefits maybe” Edward said under his breath but clearly loud enough for Jervis to hear.

“We are just friends- best friends. Nothing more. Be-besides he- Jonathan is-.” Jervis babbled, knowing he wasn’t making sense and he sighed. “You’re just here for gossip Edward.” 

“A long way to drive for some gossip.”

Jervis’ hands shook now but it wasn’t because of withdrawals.

“Gossip.” Jervis said dismissively again.

“If you think so, be it.” Edward said, stirring his tea.

Jervis was silent for a moment, looking down at his own cup.

“Has he told you?”

“I’ve known Jon for twenty years, he doesn’t have to tell me something for me to know it.” He chuckled. “But yes, he’s told me many things.”

“What did he say?” Jervis asked.

Ed hummed in a childish “not telling” manner. Jervis was about to argue with him but he sighed, eyes getting lost in his tea again.

“It doesn’t matter if he likes men or not, he’d never want to be with someone like me.” His voice was low and more hurt then Edward had ever heard. He sounded like he’d just had his dream crushed under the absolute weight of reality. “Anyone who knows me for long enough grows to detest me. It’s what I deserve.”

“Funny you said that.” Edward said and Jervis gave him a look that said nothing was funny about it at all.

“No, well not funny, but more telling I suppose.”

“Ed.” Jervis said, unintentionally sounding much like Jonathan when he was fed up with the other man.

“Fine, years ago Jon got a taste of his own medicine while we were on a job together. It was a newer, stronger formula and he probably got a dose big enough to kill anyone else. However I wasn’t even aware of it until we got back to our HQ and it started to take control of him. While also babbling about his skeletal Great Grandmother he said something along the same lines you just did.”

Jervis but his lip. “That doesn’t mean he’s gay Ed.”

Edward laughed at that. “Well no, that he just told me.”

“He... he told you that?”

“Maybe you’re right, maybe I did just come here to gossip-“

“Ed, please just tell me.” Jervis asked him, nearly sitting on the edge of his seat.

“Yes, not in those words of course. But he did tell me.”

Jervis put a hand over his mouth and dashed to the sink to vomit.

Edward watched him, a touch of bemusement on his face. He waited for Jervis to be done, then popped out another pill from the bottle for him. That one Jervis chased down with a glass of water before sitting with his hands in his lap again.

“I don’t have a chance Edward. Besides I... I don’t deserve that. I don’t even deserve to have him as a friend.”

“Oh fuck off.” Ed said, making Jervis look up at him quickly. “We’re talking about the same guy here right? You don’t think you deserve  _ him _ , the man who will only buy corn on the cob and sweet tea? The guy who goes out to makeout points dressed as a goddamn scarecrow to scare teenagers?”

Jervis laughed into his hand. “No he doesn’t.”

“Yes he has, I’ve seen the police reports.” Edward insisted.

Jervis laughed until it turned into a soft sigh. “I’ve been keen on him for years, Ed.” He said, still talking with his hand covering most of his face, looking away from Edward.

“I know, I used to be a PI you know. I notice everything.”

“Have you.... noticed anything about him.....him a-aand”

Edward stirred his tea.

“I think that’s something you should ask him yourself.”

Jervis was quiet again, lost in thought.

“I think it’s time you let him out of your trunk.” He said at last.

“Probably, don’t want him to suffocate.” Edward said. He held up a small remote and clicked it twice. From outside they could hear Jonathan curse.

“I’ll cut some cake, hm?” Jervis said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently got a lot more free time on my hands so hopefully I will be able to update this a little faster. I think we all need a little softness in our lives right now so I hope I can deliver that.


	7. Dropped Stitch

“Why were you surprised when I asked you to teach me how to knit?” Jervis asked as he clumsily tried to move the yarn from one knitting needle to the other.

He couldn’t help himself as he once again glanced up at Jonathan for what he was sure was the millionth time that day. Ever since his conversation with Edward two days previously he found himself unable to keep his eyes off of the other man. Unconsciously his eyes would drift towards Jonathan, trailing up and down his face, often settling at his thin mouth. 

Now the man sat in the chair opposite of Jervis in the library, working on his own knitting. The single lamp in between them cast half of Jonathan’s face into light, half into soft shadow. It exaggerated the curve of his nose, a remnant of a long healed broken nose. The shadow it cast stretched across his face, giving his face an even more indifferent look than normal. His eyes were clear through his thick glasses frames, inquisitive and sharp in a way that had always made Jervis feel like Jonathan was studying him. He knew it was a look that many others, even fellow Rogues, found threatened or uncomfortable by. To Jervis, however, this look had always made him feel as if Jonathan were listening to him, listening to him in a way that nobody had in a very, very long time. 

Jervis was brought out of his thought with the awful realization that he had dropped a stitch. His face turned downwards into a frown of horror as he began to panic. He had put over two hours into the scarf already, and although it was far from perfect the thought of starting over was one he could not stand. Jonathan noticed his frantic look and reached over to slide the yarn back onto the needle for him with practiced ease.

“Thank you.” Jervis said, scolding himself internally for the silly mistake. He kept his eyes down, trying to focus on his work while Jonathan spoke. 

“No problem.” Jonathan said. “And to answer your question, I have never gotten that response before.”

“Who else knows?” Jervis asked, surprised that others knew of Jonathan’s hobby.

“Edward, Harley, and then of course Dr Isley by association.”

“None of them wanted to learn?”

Jonathan laughed. “Well Edward mocked me for about twenty minutes calling me an old maid and any other sort of thing and then when he saw I had actually made several sweaters he asked me to make one for him in the usual garish green.”

“Did you?”

“Course not. ”

Jervis smiled and allowed himself to look up at Jonathan again as he proudly held up his needle with the dozen or so successful rows on it.

“That’s great, just keep working it like that.”

Jervis hummed happily, pulling a bit more yarn out from the skein and starting the next row.

“What did Harley say?”

“Well she asked me to make her a sweater too.”

“And you did, didn’t you?”

Jonathan rolled his eyes and nodded. “Of course I did. I gave it to her for Hanukkah. Probably the best I’ve ever made. Not that I’ve made many, perhaps eight in total. It does take a while, especially for a sweater in my dimensions.”

“Could you make one for me?” Jervis asked.

“Of course, I’d just need your rough estimates. And more yarn,of course.”

“I was teasing.” Jervis said, surprised at how fast Jonathan had jumped at the question. “I don’t want you to just make me one. I asked for you to teach me so we can do it together.”

At that Jonathan grew quiet, seemingly invested in his knitting. Jervis knew it was unnecessary, the man could work without even looking at the needles. He was deep in thought about something and it made Jervis’ heart pick up in his chest as he wondered what could be running through Jonathan’s mind.

Jonathan adjusted his glasses, and when he spoke again his voice was sterner, more professional in a way that Jervis knew was dangerous. “What did Edward tell you when he locked me in his trunk?”

“Tell me?” Jervis asked, trying to steady his voice .

“What did he tell you about me?”

Jervis looked down at his knitting. He had dropped another stitch and this time Jonathan didn’t reach over to fix it.

“N-nothing, we just talked about Oswald.” Jervis said.

Jonathan looked at him from behind his crooked, scotch taped together glasses. His expression was one of disbelief and impatience.

“Why do you ask?” Jervis asked, trying to feign nonchalance by continuing his knitting, dropped stitch be damned. He tried to carry over another stitch, and managed it despite his shaking hands but then promptly dropped the next on. He carried on nonetheless.

“You’re acting different. You’re watching me out of the corner of your eye.”

“I don’t have the foggiest what you’re talking about.” Jervis said. He continued on trying to make his stitches but soon found his yarn too tangled to work. He offered it to Jonathan, a feeble look on his face.

“Mucked it up a bit, think you can savage it?”

Jonathan ignored it.

“What did Ed tell you about me?”Jonathan asked again.

“N-nothing.” Jervis said, still holding out the tangled mass of yarn. Despite Jervis’ best efforts his hand shook just a bit. Jonathan noticed and trailed his eyes across Jervis’ startled face. His expression softened and he took the offered mess.

“Whatever he told you, it’s true I’m sure,” he said. “Edward isn’t exactly known for his ability to lie.”

Jervis was quiet, watching Jonathan’s thin fingers working out the tangles like needles themselves pushing in and out of the yarn.

“I’m not a good person Jervis. You know that. You should know that. The things I’ve done... I don’t regret any of them. So if whatever Ed told you makes you uncomfortable to be around me then you should leave.”

Jervis’ heart felt heavy in his chest at that verbatim. Had Jonathan been expecting him to just jump ship any minute now? Maybe even a small part of him had been hoping Jervis would, just like everyone else had. It would be uniform, easier to deal with then the possibility of actually having a friend.

“I'm not going anywhere.” Jervis promised. “I trust you.”

“Why?” Jonathan asked, glancing over his glasses. “What in the world have I ever done that makes you want to trust me? If anything you shoulda run as soon as you got your bearings.”

Jervis looked at him for a moment, trying to read his face. His voice had been laced with anger but his eyes looked more pleading, pleading him to go, go now before it was too late. Go now before either of them got hurt.

“Jonathan, I-I have-“ Jervis said, eyes wide and then under Jonathan’s dark look he lost his nerve. He took a deep breath before continuing. “I have trusted you for years, knowing who you are and what you have done. Just as you know who I am, what I’ve done. You think you’re some kind of monster that people should run from the moment they set their eyes on you but you’re wrong. If anyone that would be me. I-I’m the one not to be trusted. I’m the- the one no one wants to work with. The one they can’t trust. And they’re right- they’re all right.”

Jervis was frantic now, his voice high and strained. “But you- you Jonathan, have no reason to trust me and yet you have. You’ve left me here quite alone. Of course there’s not much technology in this old house but from the cord phone in the kitchen, the fridge, the microwave, I could make an abundance of cards. And yet you trust me not to, not of. And I have not because I trust you.”

Jonathan toyed with the stitches for a minute in silence so deafening Jervis would rather he screamed. He watched instead as Jonathan unraveled a particularly nasty knot and went to work on another.

“I never would have asked you to become my doctor if I didn’t trust you.” Jervis continued.

“You trust your doctors in Arkham?” Jonathan asked.

“No, no of course not. That’s why I asked you. My doctor in Arkham was not my choice but you are. Were, rather. I no longer want that. All I want is to be your friend, just as you are mine.”

They were both quiet for a moment as Jonathan finished undoing the last few tangled stitches and then finished the row so Jervis would have an easier time restarting. He handed the scarf back to Jervis, who thanked him. 

Jonathan stood then, his body turned from Jervis.

“I-” He started, before sighing. He rubbed his face and it was several long seconds before he spoke again. 

“Goodnight, Jervis.” He said. 

Jervis watched Jonathan until he disappeared into the hallway and then listened to his steps up the creaky stairwell.

“Goodnight.” He told the empty room, suddenly feeling very alone. “Goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Jervis every finish his scarf? Will Jonathan ever submit himself to the mortifying ordeal of being known? Tune in next time to find out!


	8. Breakfast

Jonathan’s craft of knitting was far from the only thing Jervis did not know about him. In the upcoming weeks he found himself learning new, often surprising things about Jonathan every single day. If asked to list them all, Jervis was sure it would take hours to properly explain all the new aspects of his friend's life that he had begun to pick up on, all of which had somehow gone unnoticed in the last fifteen odd years they had known each other.

For example, Jervis thought to himself, he had learned that Jonathan had never been on an airplane before. He had never been outside of the country, in fact. His favorite place in the entirety of Gotham was the Franklin Library, a small subsidiary of the Gotham Free Library. They were keen on Jonathan there, or at least non threatened by him. He had even gone into the library sans a disguise a few times and yet the librarians had never bothered him, nor called the GCPD. 

Jervis had also learned quite a bit about Jonathan’s eating habits as well. Before living together Jervis only had experience in the matter from the occasional meal they got to eat together in the Arkham cafeteria (if they were both not in maximum security that was, which was rare), or from the few times he had visited Jonathan at one of his hideouts in times they were both broken out. Arkham had not given him much new information, as the usual gray gruel there was not up to anyone's standards and their choices were far from in between. 

Cooking for the two of them now, sometimes three or four full meals a day (plus desserts), Jervis kept track of everything Jonathan was partial to. Jervis thought he would eat just about anything that was put in front of him, especially if it was involving simple fruits or vegetables. Jervis did not know how much of this was Jonathan’s actual usual diet, and how much of it was just the euphoria of having fresh food again. In Arkham it was easy to go months without having any fresh fruits or vegetables, especially if you were in MAX, as the spots on the dinner trays that usually held the fresher foods would oftentimes ‘go missing’ from the trays by the time they arrived at the patient.

Free now to make whatever he would like, especially since Edward had delivered Jonathan’s share of his last heist, he found himself cooking as exuberant as he had ever dreamed of. He had never been a fantastic cook, really, and he knew that. He was a habitual under-seasoner and the only real training he had was from his mother growing up. Her cooking had not reached beyond the staples but Jervis now found himself comforted by these basic foods and he made them for himself and Jonathan often. 

While Jervis was cooking these, as well as other dishes, Jonathan would often either sit at the table reading aloud from the book he was currently reading from the library, or stand by the counter, chatting with Jervis about any manner of thing going through Jervis’ head as he cooked. It was not often that he helped, but this morning Jervis had woken up to Jonathan actually starting breakfast without him. Jervis had been more than surprised by this but excited at Jonathan’s enthusiasm. 

“What are you getting up to?” He asked, making Jonathan look up at him, a surprised look on his face. 

“Ah, good morning Jervis.” Jonathan said. He looked down at his selection of things down on the table a bit embarrassed.

“Good morning, dear Jonathan.” He said, noting the other man’s look. “Did I interrupt something?”

“Well, yes, actually. I wanted to surprise you with starting breakfast for once.”

Jervis smiled at that. “Oh Jonathan, thank you, that was kind. But I don’t mind cooking in the least. Now what were you thinking?”

Jonathan looked down at the odds and ends he had pulled and by the long pause Jervis could tell he did not have an answer. 

“How about omelets?” Jervis asked, to which Jonathan graciously agreed.   
“Sounds perfect. “ Jonathan said. 

Jervis busied himself getting a cutting board and a few bowls all laid out across the kitchen counter as Jonathan went back to pulling out various things from the fridge.

“Ya sure you don’t mind cooking?” Jonathan asked, bringing out a carton of eggs from the fridge and passing them to Jervis. 

“Not at all, it’s a joy, actually.” Jervis said. He brought over a bowl and began to crack the eggs into it. “Do we have any cheddar cheese?”

“Hm? Oh, we should.” Jonathan said. He bent over to rummage through the fridge again and returned with a block of cheddar. He put it down on the counter besides Jervis, who had added the last egg to the bowl and was now sprinkling in salt and pepper. 

Jonathan leaned against the counter and watched Jervis move, bobbing to and fro between counters grabbing various knives and plates and placing them around himself. Jervis was getting the hang of where everything was in the kitchen, and after the purchase of a foot stool he no longer needed Jonathan’s help with reaching anything unless it was very far back the shelves. Jonathan was more than happy to help in these situations and he was doing his best to make sure it happened less and less. 

Besides that Jonahan did not do much of the cooking. This was not to say that he was lazy in the kitchen, he was rather quite clueless, and he would be the first to admit this. He had not been taught how to prepare many foods growing up, besides the very basics. As an adult he had relied much more on take-out and high-fat snack foods to keep him going most of the day. Food was not ever a priority to him, there was always something else to do, something more important than grocery shopping, let alone preparing an entire meal.

Jervis brought over an onion and a bell pepper and set them on a cutting tray before pausing and grabbing some fresh parsley as well. Jonathan watched him cut it for a moment, arms crossed as he leaned against the counter before speaking. 

“I could help, if you’d like.”

“Would you like to?” Jervis asked, pausing cutting to look up at Jonathan with surprise.

Jonathan gave a gesture like he wasn’t opposed to the idea and Jervis smiled. 

“Okay, then.” Jervis said. “Do you mind cutting those peppers?” 

He pointed towards two brightly colored bell peppers on the table. Jonathan agreed as he took his spot against the counter besides Jervis. He took the offered knife in his hand and then looked down at the pepper on the counter, wondering how he was supposed to go about it. He tried to think of the last time he had eaten something like this, and wasn’t quite sure if he could place it.

Besides him Jervis happily chattered about how glad he was to have fresh parsley, and thanking Jonathan again for picking them up during his grocery shopping the day previously. After the herbs were tossed in with the eggs he looked back at Jonathan, who was attempting to cut the peppers as one would a potato, by slicing it clearly in half. This was sending an overwhelming amount of seeds everywhere, and Jervis could see the confusion written across the man’s face. He laughed softly before stopping Jonathan.

“Watch, it’s easier like this.” Jervis said, taking the other pepper from the table. He carved the top of it out like a jack o'lantern and then removed the lid, bringing most of the seeds with it. The seeds and inside of the pepper he scooped out with a spoon into the trash. Jonathan chuckled at the mistake, copying what Jervis had done for the other half of his pepper. 

“I admit I’m a bit new at the process.” Jonathan said, thanking Jervis who washed off one of the peppers to remove the seeds before passing it back to Jonathan.

“You’re doing fine.” Jervis assured him. “My knife work isn’t any better.”

“Don’t be humble, now, Jerv’.” Jonathan said. “Everything you’ve made has been exquisite.”

Jervis looked down at the eggs he was whisking to hide the blush on his cheeks. 

“Nonsense.” He said.

“I’m not lyin’.” Jonathan said. “This past week has been some of the best meals I’ve ever eaten. 

“Now I know you’re lying.” Jervis laughed. He set the bowl of eggs aside to start a pan on the stovetop. He poured a helping of the eggs into the bowl and swirled it to coat the bottom. 

“I’m being honest.” Jonathan insisted as he finished cutting the bell pepper. He slid the pepper into a bowl and then reached for the onion. He held it up to Jervis. “I could manage this one, how much do you want?”

“Not much, maybe a quarter.”

“Coming right up.” Jonathan said, starting on cutting the onion. His cuts were irregular but he was managing much easier than with the pepper. When he was done he slid the pieces into the bowl alongside the pepper and brought it over to Jervis. 

“Lovely, thank you.” Jervis said. He took the bowl and sprinkled some of the peppers and onions onto the onions and then added a handful of the cheddar cheese on top. When he was done he folded the eggs in half and then looked up at Jonathan. 

“Would you do the honors?” He asked him.

“The what?” 

“Do you want to flip it?” Jervis asked, holding out the spatula for Jonathan. 

Jonathan laughed, shaking his head. “No, no, I’m alright’, Jervis. I”ll just ruin it.”

“Nonsense!” Jervis said, waving the spatula at Jonathan until he finally took it. Pleased, Jervis motioned for Jonathan to come closer to the stove. “Now, my dear one, you just have to put it under the whole omelette, as much as you can. Then flip it!”

Jonathan hesitantly did as he was asked but in the process of flipping it nearly half of the filling spilled out into the pan. 

“Aw, shit.” he cursed. “Think you could fix that?”  
Jervis smiled at him. “Of course, here, let me help.”

He put his hand over Jonathan’s, guiding him to the pan and maneuvered Jonathan’s hand, trying to help him to put all the insides back into the omlet. It took Jervis a moment to realize he was practically holding Jonathan’s hand and his cheeks blushed. He forced his hand not to shake as he tried to focus on the omelet but instead found his heart thudding away in his chest too loudly to focus on much else. 

After a moment it became clear that the omelet was not going to cooperate and Jervis took his hand back, giving an anxious titter. 

“H-how does scrambled eggs sound?” He asked with a small smile, chancing a quick glance up at Jonathan. The other man chuckled and handed him the spatula. Jervis wasn’t sure if it was just his imagination but it seemed like Jonathan’s hands lingered on his own just a second more than was necessary. He knew that it was likely his imagination and after a moment guilt crept into his chest at the thought.

“Sounds great, Jervis. I’ll let you take care of that. I’m going to make a pot of coffee.”

“Jonathan.” Jervis said after a pause. The tall man turned to look at him, holding up the coffee pot. “Could you put on some for me?”

Jonathan raised his eyebrows at that. “I’ve never seen you drink coffee before in your life.”

“Just-just a bit of a brain fog. A little stimulation might clear it.”

Jonathan gave him a quick glance over before nodding. “Alright.” He agreed, adding an extra scoop of grounds to the pot. When the coffee was brewed, (Jervis’ cup with six tablespoons of sugar and half a cup of creamer and Jonathan’s black) and the food cooked, the two sat at the table together, enjoying their hard work. 

“You know, you never did tell me about this place. Not much, at least.” Jervis said. 

“Oh? I suppose I haven’t.” Jonathan said. “Well, thanks to our dear Edward I've actually legally owned this house for the better half of a decade. Although I've been taking refuge here since the original owners abandoned it, long before that. It’s a place to lay low between breakouts, mostly. It’s one of only two places I’ve ever had for so long that the big bad Bat hasn’t found his way into. He’s tracked me across state lines before so I don’t know why this place is any different.”

“Edward mentioned he had never been here before either.” Jervis said. 

Jonathan gave a chuckle at that. “Can you blame me? That man is a nuisance. I can’t tell you how relieved I was when he declined the night here. The less amount of time I have to spend with Edward Nygma the better.” 

Jervis knew that in his heart that wasn’t quite true. Edward and Harley were the only other people that Jervis’ knew of that Jonathan ever truly talked to actively inside and outside of Arkham. His friendship with the other man had lasted for nearly a decade before Jervis had even met Jonathan. That decades worth of time together surely meant more than Jonathan was ‘putting up with him’. 

“So it’s only been you here then?” Jervis asked.

“Only me.” Jonathan confirmed.

Jervis was quiet for a moment, stirring his half drank coffee. He tried to keep the question from his lips but he found himself unable to keep it down.

“Why me?” He asked. “Why bring me here?”

Jonathan adjusted his glasses on his nose, a habit Jervis was familiar with. It was a pause, a sign Jonathan was collecting his thoughts. 

“I.. I trust you, Jervis. Like you said the other day. I trust you.”

The smile on Jervis’ face was not his usual toothy one, but instead a humble one. 

“That means a lot to me.” He said. 

Jonathan nodded that he understood. “It means a lot to me, too.” He said. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rest assured folks this slow burn is about to get rolling very soon.


	9. Early

“I want to show you something.”

Jervis blinked his eyes open. What time was it? It was hard to tell in his dark room, curtains still shut for his comfort when he was sleeping through withdrawals. It seemed early, much too early to be awake by anyone’s standards. So why was Jonathan up?

Jervis gave a small hum to show that he was getting up, not questioning whatever it was that Jonathan needed him to see. He wiped at his tired eyes and followed Jonathan out the door.

They went down the stairs, and then Jonathan pulled open the front door. It was barely sunrise out, the sun just peeking through the trees and lighting the dark sky. A few fireflies hung in the air, still clutching on despite the promise of morning.

As if in a dream, Jervis followed Jonathan back around the house. Despite his exhaustion he marveled at it, as he always did. Once upon a time it had been a beautiful Folk Victorian style home. Now it stood with peeling paint, a once burgundy masterpiece now faded to a dirty pink. Jervis thought that the crumbling exterior, the overgrown weeds added something special to the property, something he just could never put a finger on. 

Dew slicked grass turned into a thick blanket of leaves as Jervis followed Jonathan through the backyard and into the tree line. Jonathan moved naturally in front of him, easily ducking between tree limbs and leaves despite his height while Jervis himself kept getting prodded at and poked by sticks. One scratched at his cheek drawing blood and he breathed deep in surprise and pain. He stopped to wipe at it and when he looked up again Jonathan was some feet ahead.

Jervis scrambled to catch up to him, trying to move in the same way that Jonathan did through the trees but finding it near impossible. Instead he pulled through the occasional picker bush and rogue tree limb, ignoring the stings of scratches until he caught up to Jonathan.

It wasn’t much longer until Jervis heard the trickling of softly running water. He followed Jonathan in between two large wild hydrangea bushes and then nearly ran into his back as he suddenly stopped.

He had heard right. Jervis peaked over a small bank to a bubbling stream perhaps two and a half feet deep of the cleanest water Jervis had ever seen this close to Gotham. A few fish, with the normal amount of eyes that was a good sign, swam in the slow moving water. Jervis’ own eyes darted in between them, trying to count all the little specks until he became aware that besides him Jonathan was pulling his shirt over his head. Jervis quickly looked away, a bit red faced and followed the social cue to pull his own over his head. Jonathan undid his trousers and Jervis realized that they were the same clothes he’d worn yesterday. Either he hadn’t slept at all or slept in them.

Thanking the gods that he had worn one of the pairs of boxers Edward had bought for him to bed under his pajamas, Jervis followed the similarly dressed Jonathan down the stream bank. Jonathan didn’t hesitate as the water licked at his ankles, the small pools of fish streaming away from him. He continued into the water until it peaked right below his knees, then he lowered himself into the water.

Jervis followed suit, much less gracefully crawling down the bank and landing with a soft splash into the water. He looked over at Jonathan to see if he had upset him but the other man didn’t seem to even notice. He sat against the opposite side of the bank, eyes closed and face calm.

Splashing water over his hands to try to get himself used to the cold water, Jervis walked over to Jonathan and settled a few feet from him, not wanting to crowd him. They sat in silence, Jonathan with his eyes closed, breathing deep in through his nose. Jervis bobbed slightly in the water, too short to really sit on the stream floor. Fish swam back to him, swimming in between his fingers and settling around his legs. 

Just when Jervis was beginning to wonder if Jonathan had fallen asleep he spoke, startling Jervis a bit and sending the fish darting in any direction away from them. His voice was deep raspy with lust for sleep.

“You were raised in England.” 

Jervis was confused by the statement but he nodded. “Yes.”

“In the countryside or the city?” 

“Oh-erm- c-countryside. Li’l village between Brighton and London.” Jervis said. 

Jonathan nodded at that, eyes still closed. Jervis waited patiently for him to elaborate but he was silent, head leaning back against the mossy bank. When he didn’t respond for a few minutes Jervis inched closer to him.

“Jonathan?” He asked, voice quiet.

He was answered by soft snoring, Jonathan’ mouth slightly agape in the most peaceful slumber Jervis had ever seen the other man in.

“Silly man.” Jervis said, settling down into the water next to him. “Why didn’t you sleep last night?”

Jervis was met with quiet but Jonathan's soft sleeping breaths and the bubbling of the stream. Jervis watched Jonathan sleep for a few minutes, making sure he was truly asleep before he continued. There was something he needed to remove from his chest, a weight that he had been carrying for the last two weeks. 

“You asked me the night after Edward was here if he had told me something about you. I haven’t forgotten about that, and I doubt you have either.” Jervis said quietly, just above a whisper. “Well. You were right. He did tell me something about you, Jonathan Crane. Something I- I won’t deny changed what I thought about you. You were right.” 

Jervis took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He listened to the calming noise of the stream. He wanted to say something, anything to Jonathan but thought better of it. It was pointless hoping that Jonathan would ever return his feelings and even if he did, if he ever could, well...Jervis didn’t deserve that kind of affection. He didn’t deserve to be looked after, to be coddled. He certainly didn’t deserve to be loved, not after everything that he had done. 

But that did not mean that he didn’t want it.  _ Oh did he want it _ . Jervis had wanted nothing more his entire life then to be loved. It was what kept him hopeful during the best and worst times in his life, the promise that one day someone might actually be able to disregard what he looked like, who he was, what he had done. That someone would overlook all of that and still stay by his side.

It was a painful endeavor, this life of knowing that he was not enough, but at the same time hoping one day someone might see just enough to be worth liking. Enough to be worth staying for. Jervis shook his head and went back to his original spot some feet across the riverbed and waited for Jonathan to wake.


	10. Good First Impressions

Jervis’ hands were prunny and he had long since become bored with the fish and they with him. It was hard to judge how long he had waited in the water but the sun was now resting high in the sky. He had weakly debated on waking Jonathan, after all they had to be in here for over two hours, maybe three, but he knew deep down he wouldn’t wake the other man. Not when he looked so peaceful like that. Especially not when he was getting some well earned sleep.

Jervis had resorted to trying to count all of the tadpoles in a small school somewhat upstream when he heard the painful groan of Jonathan waking. Jervis quickly abandoned the small creatures and ran over to Jonathan, who was just now beginning to finally stir from the position that he had remained immobile in for the last several hours.

“Where the hell-?” Jonathan asked, lifting his head up from the bank. A Harvestman crawled down his cheek, dislodged from his hair and he lifted a hand for it to crawl onto. He reached over to let it go back onto the bank and then seemed to realize where he was.

“Why are we in the fuckin’ creek?”

He looked at Jervis, who knew what was going to happen. Jonathan’s hand would raise to his temple to feel for a card, and when he didn’t find one he would give a little chuckle of,  _ of course not _ , but it would be the fact that he did it in the first place. It would be the proof that he didn’t really trust Jervis, that there was doubt in his mind. Jervis knew this doubt would eat away at both of them.

Instead he looked at Jervis with a worried look on his face.

“Did I hurt you?” He asked, voice quick, eyes darting over Jervis.

The question confused Jervis.

“N-no of-of course not! Why would you ask me that Jonathan?” Jervis asked.

“I don’t remember- I can’t remember-” Jonathan said, voice calm from years of self discipline but face creeping with lines of anxiety. He shot to his feet so fast a wave hit Jervis, drenching his hair. Jonathan began to apologize before realizing he wasn’t wearing anything but his underwear and as a reflex his twisted hands went to cover himself.

He turned and climbed up the riverbank, blushing so hard it crept down his chest and entire back. He tried to pull on his trousers but couldn’t get them all the way up his wet thighs. He nearly toppled over onto the ground but caught himself on a tree. With a curse he abandoned the pants halfway up his legs and tried to pull on the first shirt his hand caught, which was the tshirt Jervis had slept in. It was a few sizes too small but Jonathan didn’t seem to notice. 

Jervis pulled himself up onto the bank beside him, just as Jonathan began to take off towards the house. Jervis grabbed the leftover clothes and took off at a run after him. 

“Jonathan!” Jervis called, trying to keep up with the lanky man.

“Fuckin’ idiot!” Jonathan said and Jervis clutched at the clothes in his hand.

“Excuse me?” He said shrilly, a little out of breath from outrage and from running to catch up to Jonathan.

“Not you, not you, just-Christ!” Jonathan screamed.

“You’re not making sense, please.” Jervis pleaded. As he ran he tried to pull Jonathan’s shirt over himself, his nudeness now glaringly obvious to him in the midmorning light. The shirt was big on him and he was satisfied at the bit of coverage it gave to him. Ahead of him Jonathan moved between the trees at a pace that Jervis knew he was unable to keep up with. 

“P-Please stop, I can’t- I can’t keep up.” He huffed.

Jonathan stopped heading towards the house but he couldn’t stop himself from moving. He walked in circles around Jervis like a caged animal. His fingers tore through his hair in anguish as he walked, his body twisting in a physical manifestation of his grief.

“Please tell me what’s the matter.” Jervis said.

“I didn’t hurt you?” Jonathan asked again, finally stopping his circling to look at the other man. He reached over and tilted Jervis’ chin up, making him look up at him so he could see any bruising on his neck. Satisfied there were no marks there he brushed a finger against the scratch on his face and Jervis shook him off.

“No Jonathan, why do you keep asking me that?” Jervis asked

Jonathan turned away from him and Jervis reached out for his hand, clutching it tight in his so he couldn’t turn. To his surprise Jonathan stopped and didn’t pull back his hand.

“That wasn’t me Jervis.I don’t remember any of it. ” Jonathan said.

“B-but it was.” Jervis insisted almost frantically now, “it was you, you came into my room and asked me to come see something and then you brought me here. It- you have to remember.”

“No, no, Jesus-” Jonathan shook his head. “Listen to me, Jervis. I have no memory of waking you up. The only time I have memory loss is when I allow Scarecrow to take over. Which I absolutely did not do last night, best of my knowledge.”

At the name Jervis’ eyes grew so wide Jonathan could see himself in them.

“What did he say? Wha-what did I do?”Jonathan asked.

“N-nothing, we sat in the creek and we talked until you fell asleep- tha-that wasn’t-” Jervis said, his mouth dry like he was chewing sand.

“It was.” Jonathan said.

“Well he was nice, he-”

“He was nice?” Jonathan yelled, pulling his hand back from Jervis and using it to gesticulate disbelief . “He is not nice Jervis- I am not nice! In what fucking world are you livin’ in?” 

Jervis’ eyes narrowed at the word choice.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Jonathan said, finally coming to a full stop. “I’m sorry.”

They were both quiet for a moment, too long of a moment. Jonathan sat down on the ground, hands rubbing at his red stimmed eyes. Jervis stood still besides him, still holding his clothes although he had long since forgotten about them.

“What did you think he-you would’ve done to me?” Jervis asked, voice small.

“Killed you.” Jonathan said without hesitation.

“Why?”

Jonathan put back on his glasses and he looked even more tired than before. It was several long minutes before he spoke again but jervis gave him space and he waited. 

“Because I… I’m happy. I’m happy and if I killed you now I could end it before I got too used to the idea.”

Jervis sat down besides him and picked up a fallen leaf. He pressed his nails into it, turning it absentmindedly in his hands. Soon the entire ground would be covered in these leaves. Jervis wondered if he’d still be here to see it.

“You wouldn’t of hurt me.” He said.

“Naivety should be a characteristic you’ve grown out of by now.”

“How can I have done that?’ she thought. ‘I must be growing small again.’” Jervis said with a bite behind his words.

Jonathan didn’t have the strength to retort with another quote. In fact he didn’t have the strength to do much of anything. He let himself fall back onto the ground, such a tall person but in that moment such a small figure. Jervis watched Jonathan’s face as it twisted and moved as if he were arguing with someone. He waited until it settled to lay down opposite him.

“Did I make a good first impression?” Jervis asked after a moment.

“A what?” Jonathan said, voice much softer than usual.

“A good impression, with Scarecrow.” When Jonathan didn’t respond Jervis added, “I-I know that’s not how it works of course. But….”

Jonathan looked away from him. “I can’t just have conversations with myself like that. He’s not much for small talk.”

“Was it a bad impression then?” Jervis asked, a bit cheekily for his own good.

Jonathan shook his head. “No, Jervis, you did very well. He… he obviously didn’t want to kill you, I believe. Which is double edged, of course.” 

“Well not being murdered is always a plus, hm?” Jervis tittered. He put the leaf he had been toying with on Jonathan’s leg. He didn’t seem to notice so he picked up another and laid it next to it.

“Not exactly.” Jonathan said. “When it comes to Scarecrow sometimes it’s just more humane that way.”

Jervis didn’t like that bit of cryptic shit but he forced himself to shrug and laid another leaf on Jonathan’s leg.

“I made a good impression.” He said. “How many times has that happened before?”

“Never."

Jervis tried to find words but they escaped him. “Oh...” He said. “So that has to be…. good, right?”

“No idea.”

“Well. What’s your professional hypothesis?” Jervis asked. 

Jonathan sighed. “My hypothesis is that there is something very dangerous about you, Jervis Tetch.”

“Lucky we’re not the type to shy away from danger, hm?” Jervis said, immediately hating himself for it. He looked for Jonathan’s reaction, expecting the man to be upset. When he saw he was chuckling he smiled with relief. When Jonathan spoke again his voice was soft, almost a whisper. If Jervis dared say it sounded nearly fearful.

“I’d never forgive myself if I hurt you, Jervis.” 

It took a moment for Jervis to register what he had said but when it finally sank in Jervis’ stomach felt heavy. He could barely lift his hand but it still reached for Jonathan’s, which seemed to be searching for his. They grasped firmly around each other. Neither acknowledged it as Jervis’ thumb ran over Jonathan's who squeezed his hand to say, I’m here. 

“Jonathan…” Jervis said,staring up at the sky, too afraid to look over at the man laying besides him.

“Jervis.” Jonathan said, both knowingly and as a warning.

No, that wasn't enough. Jervis had to tell him, he had to know. He turned to face Jonathan, who looked up at him with wide, almost boyish eyes behind his thick glasses. 

“I-I know it’s foolish, mad even to expect anyone to- to want to be with me, as a friend or otherwise but I-I’ve enjoyed your company for years Jonathan, as a friend and I- well I- I like you a bit more than just that.”

He waited a beat and when Jonathan didn’t respond, just continued to stare at him with that unreadable face he began to down spiral.

“I hope this doesn't change how- how you see me, and that we can still be friends. I hope I can still stay here with you, but if that makes you uncomfortable I’ll-”

“Jervis.” Jonathan interrupted him, squeezing his hand in his again to get his attention. Jervis looked up at him, eyes bright with tears that threatened to spill. “I am not a kind man. I...I don’t know how to be. But you Jervis, I-” He stopped, lost for words.

“What about me?” Jervis pried, needed to know, needed answers.

“You make me want to learn.”

Jervis sat up so he could read Jonathan’s face better, needing to know the truth, needing to know what the other man was feeling. 

“What are you saying, Jonathan?” He asked.

Jonathan looked over at him and gave him a smile that seemed almost out of the blue but it was a true, familiar smile “I’m saying that I am head over heels for you, Jervis Tetch.”

Jervis’ eyes grew wide at that. “Truly? You really admire someone like me?”

“Of course. Do you really admire someone like  _ me _ ?” Jonathan asked, eyebrows raised in a, ‘last chance to stop this before it goes any further’ look.

“How could I not?” Jervis’ voice was mixed with his bright laugh as the happiness pouring out of him made his entire body shake. “Jonathan, you are the very best friend I have ever had in my entire life. You mean the world to me. I’ve simply adored you for  _ years. _ ”

Jonathan sat up and looked over at Jervis. “ I can’t tell you when my own affections surpassed simple friendship, but it’s been just as long I am sure. However, I only became aware of it this past stay in Arkham. I found my mind wandering to you in my free time. I wondered what books you might be reading, what you might be thinking about.”

“More than likely I was thinking about you.” Jervis chuckled. “I haven’t been able to keep my mind off of you, Jonathan. Both in Arkham, as well as here.”

They were both quiet for a moment, taking in the weight of what they had just confessed to each other. Their hands found each other again, and this time Jervis squeezed Jonathan's for his attention. The other man looked at him, and then as if he knew what Jervis was thinking, opened up his arms. Jervis nearly jumped into them, knocking Jonathan backwards into the grass. Jonathan cursed softly as Jervis’ weight fell on top of him but he held the other man tightly against his chest, never letting him go as they laid down in the grass together again. 

“I’ve wanted to do this for a long time.” Jervis said, eyes squeezing tight as he hugged Jonathan with as much strength as he could muster. Jonathan returned the sentiment, holding Jervis against his chest. 

Later neither would be able to say for sure how long they had laid like that in the soft grass for. When thinking about it that night both would blush at the thought of it. They had held each other for what felt like hours, but no time at all either. They were only brought out of their embrace by the hungry growl of Jonathan’s stomach that finally brought them back to planet Earth. 

“We should go back to the house. There will be time to talk about many things. But first, breakfast.” Jervis said, and Jonathan nodded, untangling his long arms from around Jervis. The two got to their feet and finished dressing back into the clothes that they had worn that morning to the creek. When they were both done Jonathan turned to Jervis and rather awkwardly put out his hand. Jervis smiled and held it the entire walk back to the house. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The moment we have all been waiting for.


	11. Can't Sleep?

Between the cracking fire and Jonathan’s calming, monotonous voice Jervis couldn’t help but let out a yawn. He was exhausted from the late hour but he didn’t want to go to sleep just yet. Part of him feared that he would wake up tomorrow on the other side of the looking glass and this would all turn out to be some elaborate dream.

Jonathan looked at him, eyes bright from the fire and the enjoyment of telling his story to Jervis. He smiled at the sleepy man fondly.

“It’s late. You should get some sleep.”

Jervis put down his knitting. He was almost three quarters through a misshapen but well loved scarf and let out a little groan as he stretched his arms out. 

“I’m afraid I’ll just doze off here if I don’t.” He said. He stood up and then paused. “Are you.. are you going to go to sleep soon?” 

Jonathan hesitated for a moment. “Perhaps, why?”

Jervis looked down at the floorboards and then up at Jonathan, trying his best to just ask in plain terms.

“Are you going to- erm- a-are we going to sleep in the same bed?” He asked.

“Um.” Jonathan said, feeling his face redden. “I don’t think so.”

“Oh.” Jervis said. “Alright.

He turned to leave the library but stopped when Jonathan spoke again.

“Do you want to?”

Jervis turned back to him and gave a reassuring smile.

“I would enjoy it, I think, but if it’s something you are not comfortable with then I completely understand.”

Jonathan was quiet for a moment and Jervis turned to leave again, assuming he was done.

“Thanks.” He said.

Jervis hummed. “Good night Jonathan.”

“Good night.”

Jonathan watched him go, then listened to the gentle creeks of the stairs as Jervis mounted them. He listened for the squeak of his door but didn’t hear it. Jonathan put his hands over his face, pushing his glasses up onto his forehead as he rubbed at his eyes. 

Jervis’ question repeated in his head as if the man were here to ask it again. ‘Are we going to sleep in the same bed?’ Why would he ask Jonathan that? What would make him think Jonathan would want to do that? Why would that be a plausible situation that Jervis would expect from him? Was it not enough that Jonathan had told him everything- spilled his guts to Jervis like some lovestruck teenager? Why must the man ask more from him? Why would he ask to sleep with him?

But Jonathan did want to, didn’t he? He wanted to lay in bed besides Jervis and fall asleep talking to him. He wanted Jervis to wrap his arms around him and to hold him throughout the night. He wanted to know what it felt like to feel the warmth of another living soul in his bed, another person to stay by his side throughout the night besides the invisible embrace of Scarecrow.

Inside him Scarecrow didn’t say a sound but it felt like Jonathan’s insides were burning. He scrunched up his face in pain and put down his long forgotten knitting onto the floor.

“Can’t do that,” he told himself, balling his hands up into fists and pushing them into his eyes.

But then why couldn’t he? Why couldn’t he get what he wanted, why did he think that he didn’t deserve this? And even if he didn’t deserve it, didn’t Jervis? He thought about the look in the blond man's face when he had told him no.

Jonathan jerked to his feet and went to the out fireplace. With a flick of his wrist he doused the fire and then let the empty water glass fall to the floor. He sat down on the hearth and looked into the flickering embers until he was in darkness.

“You’re being sentimental, foolish. You made a mistake. You should tell him you never meant it.” Jonathan told himself. Yes, yes he should do that. He should go up there and tell Jervis that he didn’t really think that way of him, he wasn’t capable of every feeling that way about anyone.

_ That would crush Jervis. _

So what if he got hurt? That was life, having dreams, having happiness, and then having someone come along and shove their hand into your chest and tear your heart out as slowly as possible while you’re ever present, staring down into the gaping hole in your chest but unable to do a damn thing about it. 

Jonathan stirred the hot embers with the poker, watching the last bits of red disintegrate into the wet ash. He didn’t want to hurt Jervis. He never wanted to hurt him. He had been hurt so many times before.

‘But so was I.’ Jonathan thought. ‘I’ve been hurt more times than I could ever count so what makes him special, what makes him immune?’

Jonathan wrapped his arms around his legs and buried his wet face against the fabric of his trousers.

Jervis had been staring into the ceiling for so long his eyes had adjusted well enough that he could see the cracks in the paint. They crawled across the ceiling in sharp lines like a broken windshield. The conversation with Jonathan replayed over and over in his head. He had been quick to say yes, hadn’t he? Was he really ready to share a bed with someone?

Yes. Jervis would not deny that. Yes he was scared but he was ready too. And just because Jonathan didn’t want to right now didn’t mean he would never want to. Maybe he had just caught Jonathan off guard, maybe he had just been surprised and answered on instinct instead of really considering the question.

Jervis mused that it was an expected question though, really. That was what those in a relationship did, wasn’t it? They held hands, they kissed, they slept in the same bed together. If Jonathan had thought about being with Jervis for as long as he had said that he did then he should have considered the thought of sleeping together by now. 

With a sigh Jervis pulled the blankets up around him, hugging them to himself. For the countless time he thought about that morning, what Jonathan had told him. ‘I’m head over heels for you, Jervis.’ Jervis smiled up at the ceiling, feeling the warmth of happiness swell up inside of his stomach again from the memory.

He didn’t know what to call Jonathan yet. In fact today seemed so unreal he was convinced it had maybe not even happened at all. But if his senses were still with him, then it meant that he and Jonathan were officially an item. Maybe in time he would be comfortable enough to call Jonathan his boyfriend. He didn’t know how long that would take for him to be comfortable enough but he was excited to say it too. 

But the more he thought about it, the word just sounded wrong to his ears. Boyfriends or girlfriends read almost juvenile at his age. Both he and Jonathan were in their forties, long past the days of youthful crushes. But what other options were there? Lovers sounded too lustful, too Shakespearean to Jervis. Besides they were not lovers, not yet. They hadn’t even kissed yet, although Jervis had thought about how much he’d like to kiss Jonathan for the last several months. But sex frightened Jervis, it was something he knew he wasn’t ready for and don’t know when he ever would be.

He quickly shook his head, not wanting to dwell on it. His mind wandered around words to call Jonathan, anything that would explain their elevated relationship past just friends. Partners? No that sounded too professional, too sterile to explain how they felt towards each other. Their affection, just like their lives, was raw and real. Besides, in this line of business the term was commonly thrown around without any attached meaning and he didn’t want people to assume they were just in a partnership together.

Did he want people to know they were a couple, though? 

Yes, yes he wanted to tell people. He was afraid of how they would react but at the same time the idea was pleasing to him. Besides, what could anyone possibly say to him that would make him every regret having Jonathan? The teasings would be nothing compared to other things he had been mocked for in his lifetime. Besides he could endure anything as long as he got to still be by Jonathan’s side.

Maybe they should start out slowly, tell one or two people to start with. Jervis tried to think of who the best choice would be to tell, but the only other person he was still close enough to tell would be Miss Harley. She would be surprised, as far as he knew she had no idea that he also liked men or that he had ever had feelings for Jonathan. But she would be ecstatic for him too, he was sure. Harley would see how happy he was, how happy Jonathan was.

Maybe he could plan a double date somewhere, she and Dr. Isley and he and Jonathan. He knew Pamela would hate the idea, she wasn’t fond of either him nor Jonathan on the best of days. But if Harley agreed, there was no doubt in Jervis’ mind that Pamela would come along as well. It was common knowledge that she would do just about anything for Harley.

Jervis was so lost in planning the double date that he didn’t notice somebody walking up the stairs until he saw the shadow fall across the ceiling. He glanced over at the doorway and read Jonathan’s imposing silhouette. Jervis held his tongue as the man stood there for a full minute at least, just looking in before he took a brave step into the room. Once inside he stood there frozen for a moment before he noticed Jervis’ eyes shining in the scarce light.

“Can’t sleep?” He asked.

“No, you?”

“No.” Jonathan said. 

He stood there for a moment before taking another step toward the bed. Jervis pulled back the blankets for him and gave the space besides him a soft pat. Jonathan did as he was asked, sliding into the bed next to Jervis and laying firmly on his back looking up into the ceiling. His hands lay clenched together on his stomach.

Jervis gave him his space but lay propped up on his pillow to see the other man better.

“Have you ever slept with anyone before?” He asked.

“Do you mean have I ever-“ Jonathan asked and Jervis quickly shook his head, although he was curious about that too now wasn’t the time

“In the same bed, I mean.”

“Yes, once with Edward. Although I didn't so much sleep as laid unconscious”

“What happened?” Jervis asked. 

“We were young then, him especially. He was a new Rogue but quickly gaining attention. It was the first job we ever did together. We botched it and then had to hide out in my safehouse in the Narrows. One room, much smaller than this one. I remember there was this blinding neon green light right outside, advertising some kinda game store, which Edward got a kick outta, of course.”

Jonathan thought about it for a moment. “Edward was extremely insecure then, about himself and his identity. He was terrified of anyone getting close or discovering any real pieces of his history.”

“He’s grown a lot since then.” Jervis commented.

“Yes he has, I like to think some of it is my own personally therapy sessions with him.” Jonathan chuckled lightly. “Edward is very, very interesting under fear toxin.”

“If I may ask- what does he see?” Jervis asked.

Jonathan started and then closed his mouth. “I’m afraid that’s patient-doctor confidentiality.”

“Of course, course.” Jervis hummed.

“You know I’ve always been curious to what you would see of Jervis. When you first became a Rogue I was sure it would be a Jabberwock or the Red Queen, perhaps just about to slice off your head. But now I’m not sure about that.”

“It... it wouldn’t be just one thing.” Jervis said quietly. “Mostly perhaps would be my fear of rejection, but also loss of control.”

“Fear of rejection.” Jonathan said, letting it roll off his tongue. “You must have been so afraid that I would not return your affection earlier this afternoon.”

“Terrified.” Jervis said.

Jonathan looked over at him, a fondness in his eyes.

“I meant what I said earlier. I would never tease you or lie. I do feel affection for you and I consider you much more than just a friend.”

Jervis melted, those words sounded like heaven to his ears.

“Are we boyfriends?” He asked.

“Yes.” Jonathan said. “I think so. Is that the term you’d like to use?”

“I’m not sure, it doesn’t seem right.”

“No.” Jonathan agreed. “Perhaps we don’t need a word, just say we’re a couple until we find something that fits.”

“That works for me.” Jervis smiled. “Could I hold your hand again?” 

Jonathan reached for him in the dark and they wrapped their fingers together. Jervis pulled the back of Jonathan’s hand against his cheek, gently cuddling it. Jonathan rolled onto his side, looking at Jervis’ cute display. He smiled and brushed his thumb against Jervis’ cheek.

“What were you thinking of when I came in? You looked deep in thought.”

“You’ll laugh but I was thinking it would be fun to have a double date with Miss Harley and Pamela.”

“Ah, I suppose that would make her happy. She’s been eager for me to tell you my feelings for months now. She’ll be glad.”

“She knew?” Jervis asked.

“From the very start. She’s good with those things.” Jonathan said.

“Do you like the idea of a double date?” Jervis asked, unable to hold back his excitement.

Jonathan thought for a moment. “In time. But we haven’t had a date of our own yet, maybe that should come first.”

“Are you asking me out on a date, Jonathan Crane?” Jervis asked.

“Indeed I am. Does tomorrow work for you?” He asked, feigning nonchalance.

“Tomorrow sounds perfect.” Jervis smiled against Jonathan’s hand. “Where are you going to take me? Somewhere exciting?”

“Only the best.” Jonathan promised.


	12. Closes Quarters

“Jus’ resting my eyes now.” Jonathan said while letting out a yawn that contradicted his statement. “Just for a moment.”

Jervis smiled at the sleepy man besides him in the bed and watched as Jonathan’s face smoothed into sleep. His features settled into one of the most peaceful expressions Jervis had ever seen the other man display.The crows feet and well-earned frown lines that always seemed so permanent, such a landmark on Jonathan’s face all but disappeared. A light but identifiable smile stayed on his lips even as he began to snore.

Not for the first time that night, Jervis was struck by just how intimate this moment truly was for him. He had daydreamed of this very thing so many times, but even his unmatchable imagination could never have pieced this moment together for him like this. Jervis watched Jonathan’s face in the close quarters, picking up new aspects that he had never taken distinct notice to before. The morning sun shed just enough light for Jervis to make out two faint white scars that traveled from Jonathan’s ear down to his shirtline. Over those scars was a faint stubble of a beard, which always grew in a slightly darker shade than the bright orange on his head. 

Jervis suddenly had the urge to run his hand against the short stubble and was unable to hold back the compulsion. He reached forward and brushed the back of his hand against Jonathan's face as softly as he could. Despite his best efforts not to wake the other man, Jonathan began to stir. His eyes opened, just the barest amount but enough for Jervis to know he had awakened him. Jervis froze, expecting Jonathan to be angry at having been woken but his eyes held no malice in them.

“Coul’ ya ‘ol me?” Jonathan mumbled, still sounding completely asleep. Jervis looked at him, not understanding what he had said. He wondered if Jonathan was sleeptalking or not, maybe he had woken him up right out of a dream and he hadn’t realized it yet.

“Hm?” Jervis hummed in case the other man was still asleep.

“Could ya hold me?” Jonathan’s voice was quieter but more insistent. 

This time Jervis understood but he hesitated. Was Jonathan asking this or was it a dream? Was there something he didn’t understand here? Did the other many really just- just want to be held? What if he’d heard wrong, and if he tried to reach out for Jonathan he would awaken, angry and upset with him?

Jervis realized that he had been dithering for too long and although Jonathan didn’t seem any more awake, his mouth had downturned into a frown. Pushing the consequences should he be wrong out of his head, Jervis reached for Jonathan under the blanket. Once he felt him he wrapped his arms around his back and pulled him gently against his chest. At the touch, Joanthan went rigid and then relaxed into the touch. Within a moment he was asleep again.

For all his height, Jonathan felt very small in his arms. When Jervis ran his fingers over his back he could feel the exact shape of every single bone through his thin skin. Jervis trailed his fingers up and down Jonathan’s vertebrae, exploring the multitude of textures he could feel even through his shirt. This touch was intoxicating to him, and Jervis was positively drinking it in. He gave Joanthan a hug, trying to convey to the sleeping man just how happy he was in this moment, how happy he was to hold him like this. Jonathan nuzzled closer to Jervis chest, rubbing his forehead against Jervis’ neck but he stayed unconscious. 

Jervis gave him a soft kiss on the top of the head and then laid back, not wanting to risk waking the man again. Instead, he let his mind wander to where Jonathan was going to take him tomorrow for their date. Maybe a nice restaurant? Jervis bit his lip at that thought, knowing that would mean having to drive into Gotham. 

A piece of him knew it was just a matter of time until they would have to return to the busy, smoggy streets of Gotham but Jervis could not face it. What he had right now, this domesticity was everything he had ever wanted in his life. He was  _ happy _ , and he knew Jonathan was too, at least for now. He didn’t know how long Jonathan would allow his body to rest, to stay away from his chemicals and his vials and his beakers but for now Jervis knew he was content with this life.

Maybe somewhere else then, although Jervis didn’t have many ideas of what people did for fun out here in the American countryside. He certainly didn't know what two people did for a date out here, either. Jervis closed his eyes, letting his imagination travel through all of the possibilities ahead of him tomorrow. 

A few hours later Jervis woke, feeling the unusual presence of someone moving in the bed besides him. He blinked a few times, trying to clear the sleep from his head until his eyes settled on the source. Jonathan sat on the edge of the bed, head down cradled in his hands. His entire body quaked, sending shivers through the mattress below him. 

“Jonathan? Are you okay?” Jervis asked, sitting up in the bed and crawling over besides him.

It took Jonathan a moment to respond.

“This isn’t easy for me, Jervis.” He said, running his hands through his hair. His fingers pulled hard at the strands.

“I know, my dear Jonathan.”

Jonathan didn’t respond at first, his body now nearly rocking back and forth. Jervis sat on the edge of the mattress besides him and put a hand on his leg. He gave Jonathan a moment to gather his thoughts, not wanting to push him. He knew that if Jonathan did not have the time to think, to formulate his emotions he often resorted to blind anger and that was not what either of them needed in this moment. 

After several long moments Jonathan finally spoke. His voice was level but strained.

“I know there’s nothing wrong with what we’re doing. What I feel for you. But hate takes a short time to learn and decades longer to forget. Even then our minds don’t just let go of poisonous ideas we were taught as children.”

Jervis nodded that he understood that. He knew that Joanthan had only ever told him a fraction of the abuse that he had endured throughout his childhood. He could only imagine the feelings, memories racing through Jonathan’s head. 

“Is there anything I can do to make it easier for you?” Jervis asked.

Jonathan finally looked at him, a look of exhaustion on his red face.

“You don’t think this is wrong?” He asked.

“No, Jonathan.” Jervis said with a dejected sigh. “I’ve known wrong love before and this isn’t it.”

“Alice?” Jonathan asked.

Jervis nodded. “Alice.”

“This feels different than that?”

“Maybe not at the beginning.” Jervis admit. “I have struggled with my affections towards you a while. I was afraid of it, of falling for another after I have proved so... faulted with relationships in the past.“

Jervis was thoughtful for a moment and Jonathan was patient, letting him take all the time he needed. He watched as Jervis’ face downturned, turning from thoughtful to melancholic.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking these last few years, Jonathan. There’s a lot of things I...I never wanted to admit to myself, or that I was unable to come to terms to.”

“What?” Jonathan asked, unable to hold back his curiosity.

“About Alice. I- I don’t think I ever loved her, not really. I loved the idea of her. I always wanted a normal life. A family. One like you always see on the telly or in magazines. Everyone just smiling and holding hands like it’s the happiest day of their lives. I hoped she could give me normality. But I don’t know if I ever truly knew her.”

Jonathan was nearly speechless at Jervis’ breakthrough and he had to hold back the swarm of questions that came to his mind. Instead he picked one that the psychiatrist in him would not let go unasked. 

“You wanted a family?” Jonathan asked.

Jervis nodded. “Wife, or husband of course, although back then I-I hadn’t accepted that as a possibility. Once upon a time I even wanted kids, a boy and a girl. But I soon grew out of that silly idealization as my mental health grew worse. I never wanted to pass either my physical afflictions or my mental ones onto a child. That’s a cruelty I could never stand.”

Jonathan frowned at him.

“By physical affliction you mean your dwarfism?” He asked.

“Well yes, and of course I, w- well we can both agree I’m not a model for beauty standards over here Jonathan. I know I’m far from what most people would call a looker.”

Jonathan looked over at Jervis, a look on his face that tread the line between sadness and anger.

“You know I think you are very handsome.” Jonathan said.

Jervis blushed at that and waved his hand at him.

“You’re obligated to say that because you’re my boyfriend.”

“I would’ve said it before, too. I do think you’re beautiful, Jervis.”

At that hot heavy tears began to flow down Jervis’ face.

“Did I say something wrong?” Jonathan asked, watching as Jervis wiped at his eyes.

“No, no, thank you my Jonathan.”Jervis tried his best to regain his composure, not to let the bubbling of emotions overflow inside of him. He rested his head against Jonathan’s shoulder who in turn wrapped his arm around his back.They were silent for a few minutes until Jonathan spoke again.

“Jervis.” Jervis turned over to look up at him.

“I think if circumstances had been different you would’ve made a great father.”

Jervis’ eyes opened at that and he gave Jonathan a heartbroken expression.

“You really think that?” He asked.

“Yes.” Jonathan said, voice sure. Jervis looked at him with a kind smile before it changed to downcast. 

“No. I would’ve mucked it up.” He decided with a sigh. When he spoke again his eyes had a vague look “But.. in-in another life. Could we have had that?”

“Had what, Jervis?” Jonathan asked.

“A family.”

“I’ve never wanted children.” Jonathan said, an immediate flood of disgust rising in his stomach at the idea. Jervis nodded in understanding of that.

“Would we still be together in another life?” He asked.

Jonathan mulled it over longer. “I think there would be a possibility. If I had known you as a younger man I believe I would’ve fallen just the same.”

Jervis smiled at that.

“The same for you, my Jonathan.” He said. He took Jonathan’s hand and brushed his lips against it before placing it at his cheek. He looked up at Jonathan and gave him a cheeky smile. 

“Now are you going to let me spoon you for a couple more hours or are we getting up?” He asked.

Jonathan’s face reddened but he didn’t look away from Jervis.

“I think you can spoon me for a couple more hours.” He said. He crawled back into the bed, shuffling under blankets and pulling them aside for Jervis to snuggle next to him. When they were both under the blankets Jervis wrapped his arms around Jonathan’s chest and pulled him tight against him.

“Thank you for doing this.” Jonathan mumbled. He was still a bit embarrassed by the request but if he was honest with himself he was glad that Jervis had offered.

Behind him, Jervis pressed his cheek against Jonathan’s back and gave him a small happy hum. 

“I’m glad to,dearest.” He said before letting out a yawn. A moment later Jonathan could feel Jervis’ body still as sleep took him. Despite being asleep, his grip on Jonathan stayed just as strong as it was awake. Jonathan smiled at the feeling and then closed his eyes and waited for sleep to take him again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Oh, I'm not touchstarved whatsoever. I don't know what you're talking about. Nope not me.


	13. Waltz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone I apologize for the long wait!! I hope you enjoy the new chapter, I know this is far from a conventional first date but with these two is anything ever going to be conventional?

“Didn’t Ed buy you anything black?” Jonathan asked. He sat on the edge of the bed as Jervis brought over clothes from the dresser they now shared.

“Sadly not, the darkest thing is that blue shirt there.” Jervis said, pointing at a royal blue button down shirt laying on the bed. “I’m afraid I’m not really a black shirt type of fellow. Edward knows that much about my taste in clothing at least.”

Jonathan rolled his eyes at that. “You said you didn’t like half of what he got you.”

“Well half of what he got me is these.” Jervis said, holding up a pair of emerald green briefs. He tossed them back into the dresser. “But honestly I’m thankful he didn’t pick an entirely green wardrobe for me.”

Jonathan nodded. He had been amazed at Edwards' restraint as well. “Well, you could be seen in any of those, even the blue. I’ll lend you one of mine.”

Jervis nodded enthusiastically at that, clasping his hands together in excitement. He had purposefully hid a dark blue, nearly black shirt that Edward had gotten him just so Jonathan would offer one of his own. Jervis loved wearing Jonathan’s clothing for so many reasons. There was a costume aspect of it that Jervis was obviously fond of. Jonathan’s clothing mainly consisted of plain, often scratchy fabrics but there was a general aesthetic of comfort to it. The flannels were thin in the shoulders and elbows, the t-shirts faded from having been washed so many times. This type of aesthetic brought happiness to Jervis, although it was hard to put a finger on why. 

If pressed, he would wrongly guess it was because it simply reminded him of Jonathan, that was why he was fond of it. But that wasn’t true, of course. It was because these clothes had been kept around long enough to get worn down, worn through. They meant stability, and that was hard to achieve for someone who moved around as often as either of them had in their lives. 

Jervis watched Jonathan going through the dresser, and smiled at him as he brought back two sweatshirts for Jervis to choose from. Jervis ran his hands over them, enjoying the soft texture of both of them. He settled on the softer of the two, handing Jonathan back the other.

“Have you ever been caught doing this before?” Jervis asked.

“Do you mean seen or physically caught?” Jonathan asked and when Jervis gave him a shrug that meant either way he continued. “I’ve been seen once by an old man who happened to have been watching out the window as I approached. He came out with a rifle, assuming, I believe, that I was some sort of varmint. When he actually saw me emerge from the stalks he started to scream and fell to the ground. He was dead by the time I walked over to take his pulse.”

“You gave him a heart attack?”

“Yes, well, I was in full Scarecrow attire.” He thought about the event and almost giggled. “I was young, it was actually quite the compliment to me then.”

“Which outfit of yours was it?”

Jonathan had to think for a moment. “It was a much more classic design if you will, the burlap cowell and-“

“With the rope?” Jervis interrupted him. “The rope that went around your legs and arms?”

Jonathan nodded, “Yes-why?”He asked suspiciously as Jervis looked like he was holding back laughter.

“It’s just- that costume was-was-“ Jervis said before he couldn’t keep the laughter back anymore. Jonathan couldn’t help chuckling a bit himself, even though he didn’t know the joke. He found that everything Jervis did was infectious like that.

“I was still at Wayne Tech then and at one point security had put up all these pictures of you in the lobby. Everyone was terrified but I-I just thought you looked s-so kinky!” Jervis said, struggling to speak as he burst into laughter.

“Kinky? How? I- how?” Jonathan repeated, eyebrows raised in disbelief.

“The rope, Jonathan!” Jervis insisted through his laughter.

“I- I have to say that was not my intention!” Jonathan argued, blush creeping across his face, making Jervis laugh more.

“I think, honestly I had a bit of a crush on you then.” Jervis said,wiping at his eyes as his laughter settled. “I mean until you switched to the next costume with the black robes- I have to admit that was terrifying. Almost as terrifying as seeing you in bondage.”

“It wasn’t bondage!” Jonathan insisted, face now way past blush straight to firefruck red.

Jervis laughed again and shook his head. “Of course it wasn’t.” He said in a voice that sounded totally unconvinced that it wasn’t true.

Jonathan tossed a shirt at him although there was little malice in it.

“If you’re done mocking me we can go commit some petty theft.”

Jervis caught the shirt and smiled up at him.

“It would be my pleasure.” He said.

The farm was about a mile and a half away, straight through the woods. It would have been easier and faster to drive Jonathan’s truck and park on the side of the road but Jonathan would rather the midnight stroll. No one in their right mind would ever call Jonathan a romantic man, but he knew that there was something special about a stroll under a full moon nonetheless. Besides, Jervis had seemed to like their occasional escapades in the woods in the past, even if it had mostly just been to collect wood for the fireplace.

While waiting for Jervis to finish getting dressed, Jonathan let his mind wander to the memories he had of the two of them exploring the woods around the house before. On their last outing, not counting their visit to the creek, Jervis had uncovered a patch of newly bloomed Forget-Me-Nots. He had shouted excitedly for Jonathan to come over, and by the time Jonathan had arrived from across the yard Jervis had uncovered a patch of Marigolds, almost hidden by weeds. They had spent the entire evening uncovering what could only have been the previous occupant of the house’s garden. Primroses now sat in three vases throughout the house, including one in the bedroom the two now shared. 

Jonathan was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of Jervis’ gleeful voice as he came bounding down the stairway. He landed on the bottom step and pulled an empty black duffle bag over his shoulder. Jonathan couldn’t help but smile at him in the too-big black sweatshirt. 

“Ready?” Jonathan asked, holding the door open for Jervis who practically bounced through it. 

“I couldn’t be more ready.” 

“This way.” Jonathan said, leading Jervis around the opposite side of the house that they had gone to the stream in. Jervis exhaled a bit of relief, he hadn’t wanted to crawl through it at this time of night. They walked together through the treeline and Jervis noticed Jonathan seemed a bit nervous, fingers twitching at his sides. 

“You alright?” He asked and Jonathan nodded and looked a bit embarrassed.

“Yeah, I was just trying to find the words to ask you if I could hold your hand.”

“Those words are just fine.” Jervis said, shifting his bag to the opposite hand so Jonathan could take it in his. 

“Thank you.” Jonathan said, still clearly embarrassed. Jervis smiled at him,giving a happy hum that said that it was fine. 

“You know, this is the first time ever working with another Rogue, if you don’t count the Wonderland Gang.” Jervis said.

“Really? I thought you had planned something with Eddie.” Jonathan asked, surprised. He considered himself a lone wolf when it came to work and yet he had still worked with a wide network of the other Rogues, either directly or indirectly if their plans seemed to line up with each other. Jervis on the other hand, as friendly and open as he was should have had even more opportunities.

“We, or rather _I_ have talked about it but honestly I don’t think Edward has taken any of my offers sincerely. 

“I have to say I’m surprised, I would think with your personality people would be more than willing to work with you.”

“I think it’s a complicated spectrum of people's response towards me. On one hand, I think many would be afraid that I would card them, take control of the whole operation. And then on the other end is people who just don’t take me seriously at all.” He sighed.

“It’s difficult to be taken seriously when others seem to place you into a category solely based on your outwards appearance.” Jonathan said.

“Well at least you’re tall.” Jervis insisted. “People take you more seriously just at that.”

“Not in the slightest.” Jonathan said. “People have always seen me, my height, how I move as a macabre joke.”

“But you have intimidation with your height.” Jervis said.

“Intimidation and respect are two very different animals.” Jonathan said. “I suppose naturally there is a sort of intimidation that comes with my height but I’ve found respect very hard to find.”

“Intimidation, respect, I would say I'd kill for either one but I already have.” He gave a dry laugh. Jonathan looked over at his bitter expression, studying his face as well as he could in the near dark.

“I am sorry that others do not see your brilliance.” Jonathan said. “And I apologize that the plans we have made in the past never were followed through. I can promise you that it is not because I think less of you, or that I do not take you seriously. I think you are an extraordinarily brilliant and clever man.”

“Oh Jonathan.” Jervis said, positively glowing at the compliment. “Thank you for saying that. I’m happy my first time is with you.” 

Jonathan blushed at the double entendre, but it on purpose or not.

“I’m glad too, Jervis.” He said.

The cornfield started as abruptly as the forest ended and the two were too engrossed in their conversation to notice that they had walked several feet into the cornfield.

“Here we are.” Jonathan said, taking the duffle bag off of his shoulder so he could unzip it. Jervis looked around at the stalks around them, standing in their neat rows. 

“How do I know what ones to pick?” He asked.

“It’s early so there won't be many yet but if you feel the bottom of the ear it should feel rounded out.” Jonathan said, already tossing an ear into his bag. Jervis nodded and looked around at the stalks around him.

He tried to focus on the job they had come here to do, and his fingers did trail across the occasional ear of corn but his eyes were focused on Jonathan. There was a different way that his body was moving here, just as it had moved the morning he took Jervis to the creek. His movements seemed even less organized, messier even, but more organic for his long limbs. 

“You don’t really come here for the corn, do you?” Jervis asked him, finally picking his first ear and tossing it into his bag.

Jonathan was faced away from him, seemingly focused on a stalk.

“No,” He said honestly. “It’s obvious, I suppose.”

He reached out a hand and Jervis watched him wrap his long fingers around an ear and gently twist it from its place.

“I’ve told you before, as a child I lived on my great grandmother's land, worked over her small farm.”

Jervis gave a little nod that he remembered.

“The only time I could find solace in that time was when I was alone. One of the very few places I could disappear into was the cornfield.”

“No prying eyes but plenty of ears.” Jervis said a little wistfully and Jonathan smiled at him.

“Exactly.” He said. He watched Jervis go up on his tip toes to reach an ear. He went over and plucked it for him. “Earlier you said you remembered one of my earliest costumes.”

“Yes, how could I forget it?” Jervis teased lightly, taking the offered corn.

“Do you recall how I used to fight?”

“Fight?” Jervis asked, confused.

Jonathan blushed slightly. “You were probably too busy with your studies at Wayne Enterprises to watch the news, especially when you had first come here. But I used to experiment with violent dancing.”

Jervis cocked his head in a curious way, not quite understanding but his eyes shown in a way that said he desperately wanted to know.

“I- it was something...“ Jonathan said, trying to find the right words but clearly unable to. Jervis gave him time to think of the words he needed to explain.

“When I was a younger man I attempted to create my own form of violent dancing. I thought that it would work, or at least confuse my enemies. Unfortunately after many months of youthful training I was kicked the shit out of by the Batman. I kept at it for some time but eventually found it was just another thing to be ridiculed for by every other individual I met. But before I let it go I used to practice in the cornfields, it was the only place I felt comfortable enough with myself that I knew no one would watch me.”

“Can I see?” Jervis asked.

“Can you see what?”

“The dancing.”

Jonathan stared at him. “Why would you want to see that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Jervis asked.

“No.” Jonathan said.

“Why not?” Jervis asked, trying very hard not to pout.

“I haven’t done it in years. Besides, you’d laugh.”

“I wouldn’t.” Jervis promised.

“You would.”

“Okay, but not out of malice.” Jervis said, laughter already creeping into his voice. 

Jonathan tossed a corn at him and Jervis laughed as he fumbled it. 

“Asshole.” Jonathan chuckled. “Do you even have any corn?”

Jervis looked into his bag. “Four actually,”

“Two of which I picked for you.”

“And one you tossed at my head.”

“Well I have more than enough. We should get going.” He turned and started to go only to stop when he realized Jervis was not besides him. He stopped and looked back.

Jervis stood with one hand outstretched, a light smile on his face. He let the bag of corn fall from his shoulder and he lowered it to the ground.

“Will you won’t you, will you won’t you.” He said, face now lit up in a smile.

“What?” Jonathan asked. He understood the direct quote of course but was thrown off by the question

“I want to dance with you.”

“Jervis.” Jonathan said tiredly.

“Just one dance. I’ll even let you lead if you promise you won’t drop me.” He smiled. “I promise no one is watching.”

“I’ve never danced with someone else before.”

“Neither have I.” Jervis said. Jonathan bit his lip but couldn’t resist the look on Jervis face. With a sigh that was more act than not, he went over to his partner and carefully put his hand around Jervis’ raised one. His other hand hesitated in the air which Jervis took and placed on his waist. Jonathan had to hunch over to reach, although it was not in an unpleasant way.Jervis began to move back and forth, carefully treading in between the corn stalks. Trying not to step on Jervis’ toes, Jonathan followed the same rhythm of gentle swaying back and forth.

It took them a few minutes to find a rhythm but soon their movements turned into a slow waltz in between the corn. Jonathan followed Jervis’ lead, trying to match his gentle movements although neither of them knew if this was how dancing was supposed to be. Jonathan was sure that if anyone saw them at this moment they’d look absolutely ridiculous, just swaying silently back and forth in the field. But when Jervis looked up into Jonathan’s face, cheeks tinged pink from the dancing and from being so close, all thoughts of self-consciousness left Jonathan’s mind. 

Jervis gave a delighted laugh as Jonathan’s hand trailed to his back and he attempted to dip him. Jonathan was pretty sure it was something he had seen on tv once and he had no idea how to actually do it, but by Jervis’ excited face he guessed it was all right. He dipped Jervis a bit farther and the blond man's hands jumped to his neck holding on for dear life.

“Not gonna drop you.” Jonathan promised and Jervis made a playful face and brought his hands up to cradle Jonathan’s jaw. It was so intimate they both paused for a moment, lost in the feeling. For a split second Jervis wondered who was going to be the one to finally lean in for a kiss but neither of them did. Instead they looked away, faces bright red with blush.

Jonathan brought Jervis back up to his feet, who gave Jonathan a loving smile before wrapping his arms around him in a hug. He pressed his face against’ Jonathan’s shirt, marveling at the joy he felt pulsing through his body.

“That was incredible.” Jervis said, finally pulling away from the hug so he could look up into Jonathan’s face. 

“It was.” Jonathan agreed, his usually flat voice now breathless from the experience. “I know this was not a conventional date by any means but I hope it lived up to your expectations.”

“It exceeded them.” Jervis promised. 

Jonathan smiled as he picked up both of their duffel bags full of stolen corn and turned back to the house. He put out his hand, which Jervis took in his. Together they walked back into the treeline, hand in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few notes. First, Jonathan's violent dancing is from Batman Annual #19, Batman 523 and from some other comics from the mid 1990s. I would definitely recommend looking some up if you haven't read them cause they are a JOY to read. Second, the 'kinky' costume Jervis is referencing is Jonathan's original design from the comics which are, if you ask me, much more unsettling and creepy then the newer designs. The second design Jervis refers to as "the black robes" is a reference to Tim Sale's Scarecrow from The Long Halloween and Dark Victory. One day I will write a Tim Sale Scarecrow specific fic but that is not today.  
> Anyways, hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I will try to have the next up much faster.


	14. Suspicious Together

Cornbread wasn’t exactly a bread, as Jervis was quickly finding out. It was much more of a cake, if you asked him. Yes, Corncake, that’s what it outta be called. Calling this sweet crumbly food a bread was a lie, although a delicious lie at least. Jervis thought that if all the lies he had been told in his life were this sweet he would have been a denizen of Candyland instead of Wonderland.

Finding his plate empty already, Jervis reached forward to cut himself a second slice of the sweet bread. 

“Ah, suppose you really do like it then, not just bein’ polite.” Jonathan remarked from across the table, his own slice only half eaten in front of him.

While he seemed in joyful spirits, Jonathan had been distracted most of the morning. This didn't bother Jervis in the least, he respected Jonthan’s privacy and need for personal reflection. Besides, Jervis Tetch was far from a stranger when it came to spending time in one’s own mind.

“You know I have a bit of a sweet tooth.” Jervis said, making Jonathan roll his eyes at the understatement. 

“Whole sweet mouth if you ask me.” Jonathan said with a smile. He passed Jervis the honey, who eagerly squeezed a small river’s worth onto his cornbread. Not wasting a minute, Jervis sunk his fork into the bread and began to devour it. Jonathan looked fondly at him before becoming quiet again, eyes slightly glossed over. He continued to eat but it was robotic, clearly more an action of habit than anything else. Jervis gave him his space, silence with Jonathan was rarely uncomfortable and he put his concentration on his lunch to keep his own mind from wandering. 

It was a few minutes until Jonathan broke the comfortable silence. 

“Before, you mentioned you could make your cards out of the simple technology here.” He said, causing Jervis’ head to jerk up to look at him in confusion at the unprompted statement. Jervis quickly swallowed the too-big mouthful of cornbread and then let out a hard cough as he choked on it. He reached for his glass of tea, taking a large sip of it to help clear his throat. After he had successfully regained control of his airways he answered. 

“Yes,quite easily, although I would have to take apart the microwave, along with the old rotary phone in the foyer. Why?” Jervis asked, bewildered by the question.

“If I supplied you with more parts could you make several cards?” Jonathan asked.

“Well I suppose so, yes, although can I ask who you intend to use them on?”

“Myself.”

Jervis couldn’t help the open mouthed look of surprise on his face as he stared at Jonathan.

“Ca-can I ask why?” He asked.

Jonathan took another bite of his cornbread, taking his time to answer.

“I have to admit, I’ve been curious about the sensation of being under the control of your cards for some time now. I’ve read many reports from your victims, but found them conflicting. It seems about half remain conscious, aware of your voice in their head but unable to fight it. The others reported that they were completely unaware of what they are doing. I imagine the previous must have been absolutely terrified. To be conscious but watching your body as an outsider- I can only imagine the terror.” Jonathan said, voice excited with the thought of it.

“Wait you- you-“ Jervis gave a noise that was somewhere between a nervous titter and noise of disbelief. “You want me to card you so you- you can feel  _ helpless _ ?”

“Not helpless, no, although I can't be sure of the exact neurological response to being carded, so yes, perhaps.” Jonathan mused. “Do you know why people seem to have different experiences while under your control?”

“Yes, well... for the most part. It’s a mix between the type of card it is, I have several dozen I make, and the will of the individual. No one has been able to regain control once I have carded them but those with a stronger power of will seem to remember their actions more than others.”

Jonathan looked like he wanted to take out a notebook and start taking notes. He sat straight up and eager eyed, cornbread long forgotten in front of him.

“Could you do it? I respect that you would want to work in private, of course. I can clear out a section of the basement, or I can leave the house for some hours-”

“Yes-Yes- I suppose I could- but I do trust you Jonathan, I don’t want to do it in private. I have no qualms against making them in your presence.”

“Fantastic, you’ll do it then?”

Jervis looked up at Jonathan and could see the excitement in his suddenly clear eyes.

“Yes” Jervis nodded, “there’s just a few things I need.”

Jervis Tetch considered himself a resourceful man, although he hadn't always been one. In the beginning of his criminal career he had relied on breaking back into Wayne Tech or any other labs that held the pieces he needed for his research. But that was tedious, not to mention dangerous. Batman always seemed to be one step ahead of Jervis, no matter how many months he had spent planning the heist.

After one too many trips to Arkham after a failed heist, Jervis had instead focused on challenging himself to build his technology with household items, or pieces he managed to find littered around Arkham. Once, inside of the prison, he had built several cards out of nothing but two walkie-talkies and a portable radio. Now he was confident enough that he could modify just about anything one found in the average Gotham household to create a plethora of cards. 

“Here we are.” Jonathan said, pulling Jervis out of his thoughts. 

When Jonathan had originally suggested they go shopping for supplies Jervis had expected a trip to the local scrapyard. Jervis wouldn’t have complained, of course, but he was much more pleasantly surprised when Jonathan instead pulled into a Walmart parking lot instead.

“Will five hundred be enough?” Jonathan asked, pulling several hundred dollar bills from his wallet.

Jervis laughed, which Jonathan mistook and he began to take more bills from his wallet.

“No, no that’s too much.” Jervis insisted. “I could do with less than a hundred.”

Jonathan handed him three hundred dollar bills. “Get whatever you need.

Jervis looked down at the money in his hands. 

“You aren’t coming in?” He asked.

“Of course not, Jervis. We’re too suspicious together.” Jonathan said. 

“Oh, right.” Jervis said, frowning down at the money in his hands again. It was not that he had forgotten that they were both wanted men, but his romantic mind had instead surpassed any fears with wishful thinking of being able to shop together with Jonathan. His aching heart had him picturing them holding hands as they walked down aisles, chatting about what they would be making for dinner that night, or arguing amiably about what sort of potato chips to buy.

Jervis pushed the idea out of his head, not letting himself dwell on the impossible. He tucked his unruly hair under the faded Gotham University baseball cap Jonathan had lent him and turned to give Jonathan somewhat of a brave smile. Jonathan reached over to tuck a strand of blond hair under the cap and then rubbed his thumb against Jervis’ cheek for a moment. Jervis melted at the feeling, wanting to stay just like this forever. 

But he couldn’t. He knew that. He gave Jonathan one more smile before putting his hand on the car door.

“You can get whatever groceries you’d like as well.” Jonathan said, and then he opened his glove department and pulled out a pair of sunglasses he kept in there for a quick disguise. He passed them to Jervis who put them on.“Don’t rush, but try to be quick. I’ll leave the truck running in case.”

“Right, I won’t be a moment.” Jervis said before hopping out of the pick-up. 

Jervis didn’t run but gave a hearty jog through the parking lot. Normally he would aim for a hand basket, but he knew he would be unable to carry everything he needed so instead he grabbed a shopping cart. They had always made him self-conscious of his height, knowing that they were not built for people of his small stature but he tried to shrug off the feeling of imaginary eyes on him as he pushed the cart towards the electronics aisle. 

Nobody was staring at him, he knew they weren’t. And if they were it was because of his height, yes just his short height. They weren't’ staring because they recognized him. They were out in the middle of nowhere, no one here would ever need to worry about what happened in Gotham, which was almost two hours away.

Jervis had almost convinced himself of this when he saw a young man look at him and then pull out his cell phone. No, it was just a coincidence, Jervis told himself. The boy was not calling the police. He had just gotten a text, Jervis was sure that was right.

_ But what if he was wrong? _

Jervis suddenly felt every person's eyes on him, watching his every step. They knew why he was here, they knew that he didn’t belong. This was a terrible, foolish idea! The police would be here any minute to take him back to Arkham. Of course, now when he had finally connected with Jonathan, when he had finally found someone who returned his affections willingly, who cared about him… What if they knew that too, all the people in this hick store,  _ oh they had to know _ . They knew that he had been holding hands with Jonathan the entire ride here, they knew of everything they had talked about.

No, they didn’t know that, they couldn’t know that. In fact even if they did, well, well  _ fuck them _ . He had waited his entire life for this. Yes, maybe his partner wanted him to build a mind control chip to control him so he could explore the abstract feeling of fear for his own delight, but Jervis adored him more for the passion. 

Jervis loaded the cheapest microwave he could find into his cart and beelined to the track phones. He pulled two from the hook and tossed them into his cart.

Back in Arkham by himself, away from Jonathan. Part of him hoped Jonathan would escape but then another, more selfish part of him argued that he would rather Jonathan be caught too so they could be together in Arkham again. He liked to think that Jonathan would see the police and run in to warn Jervis, to try to help him escape but he knew that was a fairytale. Jonathan would drive away, he would run. After all, it would be easier to get Jervis out if Jonathan was on the outside. And he would bust Jervis out of Arkham, he knew that… didn’t he?

Jervis looked between two screwdrivers but he couldn’t focus on either, every noise in the store sounded too loud, every person's eyes was a spotlight on him. In frustration Jervis grabbed a variety pack of variously sized and shaped screwdrivers and threw them into his cart instead.

Card stock, glue, he reminded himself.

If the police did come he would make a scene, take some hostages. Anything he had to do to keep Jonathan safe, to give him time to slip away. But what sort of defense did Jervis have if the police were to suddenly swarm the building this very minute? What could he do without his cards, without his axe or pistol? He was helpless. 

Jervis pulled up to the checkout, glancing over everything in his cart. He didn’t want to forget anything but every moment that went by he became more anxious and over aware of every sound. He needed to get out of here, he needed to leave.

Jervis looked towards the exit just in time to see a police officer walk in.

_ Oh, fuck _

Jervis kept his head down, pretending to read the back of the cardstock but the entire time he watched the officer from under his sunglasses. The officer, a balding man in his mid forties, glanced around the front of the store before he spotted what he was looking for. He walked past the checkout Jervis was in and straight into the public bathroom. Jervis nearly let out a nervous laugh but he slapped his hand over his mouth before he could utter it. He looked back toward the door just to see Jonathan come in, glancing around.

Not wanting to draw too much attention to himself Jervis didn’t wave to him but stepped away from his cart so Jonathan could see him. Jonathan spotted him and gave a look that said ‘everything okay?’

Jervis gave a nod, then gestured over at the bathrooms. Jonathan followed his movements and then gave a relieved look as he saw the bathroom. He looked back at Jervis and made a ‘I’ll be outside” motion.

Jervis watched him go, smiling from ear to ear. Jonathan had come back for him- he had come to his rescue. He was so lost in the feeling that the cashier had to ask him three times to unload his items. Jervis jumped with a start, apologizing as he placed everything onto the conveyor belt. He paid the two hundred and eleven dollars, (he had indulged in a few boxes of tea in an effort to calm himself and a DVD player he had no intention of taking apart so he and Jonathan could watch some movies together) and headed towards the exit.

Nearly skipping, he pushed the cart outside, where Jonathan was waiting for him. He loaded everything into the bed of the truck and then they were back on the road, headed home. It wasn’t until they were back on the highway that Jervis realized how much his hands were shaking. Jonathan seemed to notice the same time he did, glancing at him between looks at the road.

“What happened?” He asked, confused. He thought that everything had been fine.

“Yes, just- just a bit paranoia. It’s in the diagnosis, you know.” Jervis tried to laugh it off but Jonathan gave him a look that said it wasn’t laughing matter.

“Have you been having paranoia often?” He asked.

“No, no, I’ve felt good, better then I have in a long time.” Jervis said. He sighed. “It was just, you reminded me that we were on the run and, I suppose that triggered it a bit.”

“We are, you can’t forget that.” Jonathan said. “I know we’ve been... cozy... but we’re wanted men, Jervis. We can’t take risks. But if I thought there was any threat to you I wouldn’t have taken you there.”

“That’s why you ran in to save me?” Jervis asked, smiling up at him.

“I doubted he was there for you but I couldn’t take the risk of not following him.” Jonathan said. He glanced at Jervis again.“Are you still experiencing the paranoia?”

“It’s receding.” Jervis said. He took a deep breathe in and let it out through his nose. His hands still shook but the further from the crowded supermarket they were the better he was starting to feel. He was safe here, alone with Jonathan in the truck with no prying eyes to see them. 

Jonathan offered out his hand, which Jervis gratefully took, interlacing their fingers together. Jonathan gave his hand a squeeze, not painfully hard, but not gentle either. Jervis returned the squeeze, letting out a long breath as he did so. After a few minutes of the back and forth squeezing Jervis could feel his pulse rate finally begin to slow. Ah, the pleasures of dating a former psychiatrist, Jervis thought to himself. Free grounding exercises whenever one liked. Jervis scooted over to lean his head against Jonathan, who raised his arm so Jervis could cuddle comfortably against his side.

“I thought it was really sweet that you came in to check on me.” Jervis said into his arm.

“I wasn’t going to let anything happen to you.” Jonathan promised. Jervis couldn’t see the glance Jonathan gave to the glove box but he felt safe in Jonathan’s arms nevertheless.


	15. Follow Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: while there isn't anything explicit in this chapter, there are sexual themes.

Rain danced on the rooftop, bringing with it a gentle relief from the overbearing heat of the July sun. Jervis had never been good in the heat, even as a young lad. He had always hated the feeling of the sweat slick across his skin, and how his curly hair fell lack into his eyes from the moisture. 

This rain was a welcome embrace to Jervis, it let him concentrate on the work in front of him without the insistent wave of heat buzzing about his mind like an errant mosquito (of which there were many around the outside of the house, especially at night). This also meant, however, that the peace gave Jervis more time to think of many other things. It gave his mind time to wander, whether he wanted it to or not. 

This was only made worse with Jonathan sitting besides him at the table, quietly scribbling into a notebook, only interjecting short comments about some psychological theory or another every few minutes, which Jervis was sure weren’t directed towards himself, so he stayed silent. This silence that usually felt comforting, warm even, to Jervis, now felt claustrophobic as his mind itched with the ideas he had been pushing down inside of him for the last three days.

Jervis’ hand hesitated before he placed the screwdriver he had been working with down onto the kitchen table. Jonathan looked over at him, his eyebrows raised in a slight tent as his dark eyes flitted across Jervis’ face.

“Can I ask you something?” Jervis asked. 

“Sure.” Jonathan said, setting down his pencil. 

Jervis looked down at the half completed mechanism splayed out in front of him, all the tiny pieces laid out in neat lines. It took all his will power to force his face up from the comfort of his technology to look into Jonathan’s face but he managed to meet his partner’s eyes nevertheless.

“Is this a test?” Jervis said. 

“A test?” Jonathan asked, eyes narrowing as he tried to understand what Jervis meant. “Did you…” Jervis caught himself looking down at the table but he forced his eyes up again. “Did you ask me to build this for you as a test?”

Jonathan’s usual stoic face kept his emotion neutral but his voice was clear with confusion.    
“What kind of test do you mean? A test of your brilliance? You should know how pointless of an experiment I would think that to be, I-”

“No, no.” Jervis said. “Not a test of that. A test of… my restraint.”

With that Jonathan finally understood what Jervis was asking. 

“You think I want to test if you’d be able to control yourself if you had power over me.”

Jervis jerked his head down in a nod. 

“Jervis.” Jonathan said. “The thought had not crossed my mind, I assure you. I have to admit to you, this is not an idea that sprung forth into my mind recently. I have been interested in your technology from your very first stay in Gotham when I first heard rumors of it.”

“And you have always been interested in… experiencing it? Jervis asked.

“For some time, yes. In the beginning of our acquaintance it was more of a mere curiosity, not something I had actually ever planned on experience first hand. However, through the years as we grew closer my interest in your technology continued to grow as well.”

Jervis allowed himself a break from the difficult eye contact to nod down at the table. Jonathan’s head quirked as he studied Jervis, knowing he was not done yet with his thoughts. He knew he should give the other man room to think, but that also opened the door for Jervis to drown in his own thoughts as he was apt to do as well. 

He settled on gentle coxing to get Jervis to continue. “Has that idea been troubling you?”

“Yes.” Jervis admit. “It has been nagging me, in the back of my mind.”

“Have you been having these thoughts since the paranoia you experienced after the trip out?”

“No, it was before that. When you asked me to build these for you. It was my first thought, that you wanted to test my restraint. My self control.”

Jonathan hesitated before reaching over to take Jervis’ hand in his. He brushed his thumb against Jervis’ knuckle before entwining their fingers together. Jervis smiled at the touch and brought Jonathan’s hand up to press his cheek gently against. A pang of adoration shot through Jonathan’s chest, mixing with a crawling sense of guilt. 

“I’m sorry. I never considered how it would make you feel to card me. How difficult of an internal struggle that would create inside of you. If you didn’t want to proceed I would not hold it against you.”

Jervis took the offer into his consideration for a moment before shaking his head. 

“ No, I will do this Jonathan.” Jervis said. “If this is really something you want to experience I want to give that to you but… I… I feel guilty.”

“Guilty?” Jonathan asked, confused at why Jervis would share the emotion.

“Yes. There is a piece of me that’s… excited to try them on you. I have never had a  _ willing  _ test subject before and… it thrills and terrifies me in equal parts that I don't quite know the outcome of our experiment. I can’t guarantee your reaction under my control, and though I hope it is a positive one, I can not deny my worry that it will be far from that.”   
Jonathan looked at Jervis for a moment before a smile crept across his face. It unsettled Jervis when paired with the light suddenly in Jonathan’s eyes. 

“More the reason to do it then.” Jonathan said. “If this will add to your research that only makes me wish to continue. The advancement of your scientific research is something I am more than happy to assist in.”

Jervis was discomforted by Jonathan’s sudden vigor but he gave him a shaky smile in return. He would do this for his beau, even if it made his hands shake to think about. With a forced determination, Jervis picked back up his screwdriver and went back to his work.

The rain followed them over the course of the next three days as Jervis finished putting together the last pieces of his invention. They fit perfectly, almost routinely, together in a way that both pleased him, as well as uneased him. How easily things came together under his hands, which only served as a warning of how easily they could become undone as well. 

Jervis pushed that thought out of his hand as he inspected one of the two cards he had made for Jonathan. The glue had dried to his liking, the cardstock clean and unwrinkled. Jervis trimmed the sides of the card with an x-acto blade so they lined up cleanly together and then sat at the table, satisfied with his work. He offered the card to Jonathan, who took it eagerly in his hands. 

“Does having them in the paper affect the potency?” Jonathan asked, turning the card over in his hands. It was the first time he had touched any of Jervis’ cards and he inspected it with utmost curiosity.

“Not in any measurable way, as far as I know. Of course they don’t need to be like that. I’ve developed many to fit into the bands of hats as well as some micro pieces that attach right to skin, preferably behind the wearer’s ear. Nearly undetectable unless someone knows exactly what they’re looking for.”

“That’s brilliant, but I’m sure those aren’t as easy to attach as the cards.” Jonathan noted.

“Yes, as you can imagine it’s much more difficult for me to place those unless someone is sitting or laying down.” He looked down at the card in Jonathan’s hand as he continued. “I’m also nostalgic about these cards, they were my greatest achievement. As far as I know no one has ever been able to replicate my technology, though many have tried, including our dear Edward.”

“Ed tried to copy your technology?” Jonathan asked.

“Oh yes, way I heard it he paid high end to have a pair of my cards smuggled from an evidence locker at the GCPD. As far as I know he either grew bored of it after a time or was unable to understand it enough to incorporate it into his own work in any way.”

“I’m not surprised, it was probably mere curiosity if anything. Control isn’t really Ed’s bag. He needs people’s unbridled and aware attention on him.” Jonathan said. He handed the card back to Jervis.

“Are they ready?”

Jervis flicked the card in between his fingers, showing off just a bit as he did so.

“They are. When do you want to..?”

“No time like the present.” Jonathan said, sitting up straight in his chair.

Jonathan’s eagerness made Jervis a tinge excited himself, although it was something he had done thousands of times in the past. But this time was special, this time someone actually wanted to be under his spell.

Despite his excitement, Jervis knew this was something that couldn’t be- shouldn't be rushed. He didn’t want to hurt Jonathan or make him do something that he was uncomfortable with. After all, for all he knew Jonathan would absolutely hate the experience.

“Okay.” Jervis said. “But first I want to make sure you are quite settled with the plan we have been talking about.”

“I am.” Jonathan said. “Here, we can use this for the written portion.” He pulled out the notebook he had been writing in a few days previously and set it at the table.

“And after the questions, are you still okay with the physical aspect of the plan?” Jervis asked, wanting to know without a doubt in either of their minds that Jonathan was ready for the experience.

“Of course, ‘s long as you don’t make me do cartwheels down the hallway.”

“Well….” Jervis said, before the two shared a laugh together at the mental image of it. The laughter calmed Jervis’ nerves slightly, although Jonathan could still read the anxiety on his partner’s face. 

“You’re worried.”

“Just a bit.”

Jonathan watched as Jervis fidgeted with the card in his hands, passing it back and forth absentmindedly. 

“What’s bothering you?” Jonathan asked.

“That you won’t like it,” Jervis said after a minute of thought.

“Well I don’t know that I’ll _like_ it, but I’ll be fine.” He said. He looked at Jervis’ face, there was something else hiding there. “What else is on your mind?”

“I just- I just don’t want you to think of me differently if you don’t like it.” Jervis said.

“And why would I do that?” Jonathan asked. He leaned forward in his chair, head tilted to see Jervis’ face better. The action looked almost avian, and in any other circumstance it would have brought a smile to Jervis’ lips but the situation kept his face serious.

He sighed and shook his head. “Just promise that you won’t think of me differently no matter what?”

Jonathan reached out and took both of Jervis’ hands in his own. 

“No matter how I feel after this experiment, I will not think differently of you or your work.” He said looking into Jervis’ wide eyes. 

They were so close now Jervis’ head buzzed with excitement. He took one hand and ran it across Jonathan’s cheek. It was smooth, he had just shaved that morning. He looked handsome and healthy, healthier then Jervis had ever seen him before. His skin had color, no longer looking like rice paper stretched over bone. There was pink in his cheeks, a brightness in his eyes that would have looked alien on his face a few months previously. 

Jonathan moved his head over so Jervis’ hand was over his mouth. Jervis could feel the faintest press of Jonathan’s lips against the palm of his hand. Jervis heart raced in his chest at the feeling.

“T-thank you, my Jonathan.”

Jonathan smiled against his hand before he took it in his own. He gave it an encouraging squeeze.

“You ready?” Jervis asked him.

“When you are.”

Jervis’ hand hesitated for only a second before he placed the card behind Jonathan’s ear. All at once Jonathan’s posture became rigid. His face was as unreadable as it usually was, although there was a softness to it now. Maybe Jervis was talking himself into it, but it seemed he could still see an awareness behind Jonathan’s eyes, a touch of his personality despite his empty face. 

He had to pull himself away from staring into Jonathan’s eyes. He had promised his Jonathan something and he was going to give it to him. With a new found determination, Jervis let go of his partner’s hand and turned to the table. He pulled the control band over his head where it rested on his ears, smoothing his curly hair into his eyes.

‘ _Take the pencil, please, dear_.’ He thought. 

Robotically, Jonathan turned to face the table and took the pencil in his hand, making a fist around it. Jervis made a tutting noise of disapproval as he moved Jonathan’s fingers until he was holding it as one would normally hold a pencil to write with. 

‘ _Now, in the notebook, please write the following: what color my eyes are.’_

Jonathan began to write and Jervis was surprised that it was more words than the simple ‘blue’ he had expected. He peaked his head over the notebook to read Jonathan’s handwriting. In his usual almost unreadable chicken-scratch he had written ‘what colour my eyes are’. 

Jervis was intrigued by the British spelling.

“Interesting.” He murmured, before continuing his questioning.

‘ _Please write down in the notebook the following equation: ten multiplied by ten_ ’.

In the notebook Jonathan did as he was asked, writing “10x10” below his previous writing.

‘ _Lovely. Now please solve the equation.’_ Jervis thought.

Without pausing, Jonathan hand finished the equation, filling in “=100”. 

Jervis continued with a short series of questions before he was satisfied, not wanting to dwell too long on this section of their experiment. 

‘ _Stand, please, dearest.’_ He thought and Jonathan obediently got to his feet.

_‘Follow me.’_ He instructed and Jonathan followed him from the kitchen into the hallway.

“Just going to walk around the house.” He said out loud. He didn’t know whether or not Jonathan would be able to understand him, but in the off chance he could understand his spoken voice he wanted to help Jonathan feel as comfortable as possible. 

They walked around the library before going up the stairs to the second story of the house. Jervis glanced over his shoulder occasionally at Jonathan but his expression was the same vacant look. They walked around the bathroom and then the bedroom they were now sharing. He sat on the bed for a moment and looked up at Jonathan standing before him. 

The thought of Jonathan’s lips against the palm of his hand crept across his mind, warming his cheeks. He wanted so desperately to kiss Jonathan, properly, on the lips.He wanted to know how their bodies would move together, what Jonathan tasted like. 

Instead he took Jonathan’s hand in his, placing a gentle kiss into his palm the same way he had done to him at the kitchen table downstairs. After the kiss Jervis put his hand in Jonathan’s hand, rubbing his cheek into the slightly calloused pad of Jonathan’s palm. When he looked up from Jonathan’s hand, he meant to look up into his beau’s eyes but instead his eyes settled on a different part of Jonathan’s body. Sitting on the bed, Jervis was accidentally eye-level with Jonathan’s trousers and Jervis could see - 

_Oh- OH_

Jervis’ first instinct was to drop Jonathan’s hand as if it were hot but instead he clutched to it, not wanting Jonathan to become aware that Jervis was indeed staring at the outline of Jonathan's erection pressing against his trousers.

_Nope_. This was not a thought Jervis was prepared to deal with right now. He jumped to his feet and headed towards the door.

‘ _Follow me.’_ He said, briskly leading Jonathan out of the room and down the stairs. Once downstairs, he led Jonathan back to the kitchen where they had started their evening. 

‘ _Sit, please, my Jonathan.’_ Jervis thought, and Jonathan did as he was told, sitting back at his usual spot at the table. Originally, Jervis had planned to remove the card as soon as Jonathan sat back down at the table. Instead, he dithered about the kitchen grabbing teacups and setting the kettle on. He hoped it was enough time to both calm himself, as well as let Jonathan’s body settle down from it’s arousal. Fear consumed Jervis' brain as images of Jonathan accusing him of taking advantage of him while he was unconscious flooded his mind. 

The kettle whistled and Jervis decided to push the entire train of thought from his mind as he busied himself making tea. Jonathan would understand, he knew he would. He would have to. Jervis put a bag of chamomile, Jonathan’s favorite, into both cups and then placed them at the table. Jervis took a deep breathe before removing the card from Jonathan’s ear. 

Instantly Jonathan jumped, his knees kicking out underneath the table. One knee struck a leg of the table, causing both tea cups to toss a good portion of their contents onto the tabletop. He didn’t seem to notice. Jervis took one of the cups and pressed it into Jonathan’s hands.

“Drink, it’ll help you get sorted again.”

Jonathan did as he was told, taking a long sip of the tea. Jervis waited while Jonathan drank, patiently awaiting the verdict.mAfter a moment, Jonathan put down the cup and Jervis was relieved to see he looked back at him with an excited smile.

“That was _fascinating_ Jervis. _Wow_.”

“You enjoyed it?”

“Yes, although it was not the outcome I had expected. I had theorized I would not feel fear, as you know my overworked amygdala usually does not jump in until sheer acts of terror, but perhaps more general unease. I expected at least the symptoms of panic: accelerated heart rate, sweating palms. That being said, I felt nothing of the sort.”

“You didn’t feel anything?” Jervis asked, surprised. He had used the weaker of the two cards on him.

“No, quite the contrary. I felt... calm, I suppose. It felt dream-like almost. I couldn’t exactly hear your voice in the back of my mind but I knew that you were speaking to me, and I found myself following although I could not tell you why.”

“Well, maybe next time we can try the cartwheels down the hallway, then.” Jervis said, taking off the control band from his head. 

“Next time.” Jonathan said, smiling back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya'll hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	16. Mollycoddle

It was not an uncommon occurrence for Jonathan to retreat to the yard or into the forest for a few hours of alone time. Jervis never took it personally, of course. He knew that Jonathan needed time to himself every so often, especially when his thoughts were becoming uncomfortably loud. 

This was one of the biggest differences between the pair of them. When Jervis found unwelcome thoughts swirling through his mind he needed both physical and emotional comfort. He needed reassurance in whatever form he could take it. Jonathan, on the other hand, needed silence. He had always found solace in the calls of birds in the forest and the feeling of grass on his bare feet.

The sound of the back door shutting only caused alarm to Jervis on this particular afternoon because of what Jonathan had said shortly before he had walked through it. It hadn't struck Jervis as odd immediately, but after several minutes it began to make Jervis’ stomach drop.

“ _ I hear crows _ .”

And with that simple statement, spoken with a level voice, Jervis knew something was very,  _ very  _ wrong. He turned down the heat on the milk he was cooking to make a pudding with, and then decided to turn off the stove altogether. He was sure the talk he was about to have with Jonathan would not be short enough to safely leave any appliance on for. The last thing he wanted to do was burn down their house. That certainly would not make Jonathan feel any better about the evening. 

Jervis poked his head out of the back door to see Jonathan laying on his back in the yard, staring up at the sky. Above him, three large crows circled each other in the air. Seeing the birds relieved Jervis. He was sure Jonathan was still feeling unwell, but at least the call of birds had not been an allegory for something much worse. 

Still, Jervis stepped out of the house and made his way through the unruly nature of the yard to where Jonathan lay. 

“May I sit with you, my dear?” Jervis asked. 

“If you’d like.” Jonathan said, voice neutral in the whole matter. 

“Thank you.” Jervis said, sitting down besides his boyfriend in the grass. 

They were silent for a few minutes, Jonathan watching the crows with slightly unfocused eyes until they finally broke their circle and soared beyond the tree line north. 

“I used to be afraid of crows.” Jonathan said, voice soft as if he were on the verge of sleep. “As a child. And for some time after. Blamed them for the various horrors of my childhood. I’ve come to terms now that it is not their fault. I can not blame those creatures for acting on instinct.”

Jervis thought about what Jonathan had said as he fiddled with a long piece of grass, tearing it into two pieces with his short nails. 

“How much do you believe we are slaves of our own instincts?” He asked. 

Jonathan was quiet as he considered it. 

“I think more than we’d like to think.” He said finally. 

Jervis hummed in agreement and ran his hand through Jonathan’s now shaggy orange hair. It was an awkward length for Jonathan, long enough to constantly fall into his eyes, but too short to tie back into a ponytail. Jervis brushed the hair back from Jonathan’s face, running his fingers through it like a comb. At the feeling, Jonathan picked up his head to rest it against Jervis’ soft thigh and closed his eyes. 

“For example, our ancestors relied greatly on the assistance of others for the betterment of both themselves, as well as their tribes as a whole. Community grooming is something that we are instinctively hardwired to react positively towards. The picking of lice and other parasitic insects from hair bonded our ancestors, as well as kept them healthy.”

Jervis nodded as he continued to run his hands through his partner’s hair. 

“That’s why the action is so calming, I expect.” He said. “Grooming takes quite some time, and the only way one would still still for it would be if it felt good.” 

Jonathan nodded in agreement but let the conversation end there. Evolutionary theories were only interesting to him if it involved fear in any way. Grooming was only scary if the patient suffered from  haphephobia, which Jonathan very obviously did not. 

Jervis laid down on his back besides Jonathan but kept his boyfriends’ head in his lap. His fingertips now trailed up and down Jonathan’s jaw, softly tracing the hard line of his cheekbone

“You haven’t shaved.” Jervis noted, feeling the short stubble against his fingertips. 

“ “Hm? Oh you’re right.” Jonathan said, reaching up to feel the prickly hairs on his face. He sighed and let his arm drop back down into the grass. “I’ll shave tonight.”

Jervis glanced down at his partner, worry making him bite at his lip. He wanted to ask Jonathan outright if he was okay, but he knew he would never get a straight answer from the man. Besides, both of them knew that was a shitty question to ask, in any situation. If you had to ask that question in the first place, then clearly something was wrong. It also reminded Jervis of Arkham, of the incessant questioning of his doctors. ‘Is everything alright, Jervis?’ ‘How are you feeling, Jervis?’ Tell me about your mother, Jervis.’ ‘Are you still seeing those hallucinations, Jervis?’

“You’re worried about me.” 

Jervis looked guiltily down at his partner. Of course Jonathan had been able to read the worry in his body language this entire time. 

“I am.” Jervis said. He wouldn’t lie to Jonathan. “You’ve been quiet this morning.” 

Jonathan sighed but continued to look up at the sky. 

“I have been.” He agreed after a moment of silence. “I apologize that I made you worry after my health. I am physically fine. It has just been a… a difficult morning. 

“In which way?” Jervis asked. As far as he was concerned it had been a morning like any other. They had a light breakfast, followed by some time knitting together in the library. After that, Jervis had decided to start a pudding so it would be cooled by the time they decided to have dinner. There had been nothing that would have caused Jonathan’s current state as far as Jervis knew.   
Jonathan was silent as he thought of how to describe the emotions he was currently experiencing. He was a well educated man, but this experience was difficult for even him to put words to.

“If I told you, I would be entertaining these thoughts, which I do not wish to do.” Jonathan finally said. “I only wish to say that it is not anything you did or said. These are merely my own rather obstreperous thoughts.”   
Jervis was appreciative of the assurance that he was not at the root of Jonathan’s frustration. Knowing this did not dissuade him in any way from wanting to help Jonathan take his mind off of his thoughts however. 

“What do you usually do when you are experiencing these thoughts?” Jervis asked. 

Jonathan considered the question, eyes focused up on the clouds above them.

“I would normally throw myself into my work. Keeping my hands busy, as it were. However, I do not keep any of the compounds or equipment for my fear toxin here. So instead I will find an activity that will keep me busy enough that I will not dwell on my emotions.”

“May I be bold as to make a suggestion to an activity that will keep your mind busy?” Jervis asked, a smile creeping to his face. Jonathan craned his neck up to look at Jervis’ face suspiciously. 

“Just hear me out, my Jonathan.” Jervis said, sitting up. Jonathan got out of his lap, sitting up besides him so he could see his face better. 

“I’m listening.” Jonathan said. 

“You allow me to pamper you-”

“ _ What?”  _

Jervis gave a huff as he tried to explain himself despite Jonathan’s increasingly judgmental expression. 

“I want you to allow me to pamper you. I could trim your hair, if you’d like. Although I am fond of the length on you, I know that it bothers you when it falls into your eyes. I could also paint your nails, you haven’t had them black in so very long.”

Jonathan could feel the fury rise in body at the suggestion of being molly-coddled. He was a grown man who had never needed to be indulged in that way whatsoever. The thought of it, of being waited on hand and foot like that was sickening. 

By Jonathan’s disgusted expression Jervis was sure he was fighting a losing battle but he continued on, voice high and fast as he began to try to better explain himself. 

“I- I do not mean to infantilize you in any way, I just- h-how you talked about gr-grooming before, and- and how  _ relaxing  _ it can be, and I know it could be a pleasant distraction for you. Besides I- I want to help, in any way I can.”

“I am more than capable of taking care of myself-”

“I know, I know you are Jonathan. I am- all I’m saying is it’ll be like-like a spa day. I know this idea sounds silly to you, but the physicality of it would surely keep your mind busy, like you said, and I… I want to do this for you.”

Jervis’ eyes were practically gleaming at this point as he insisted his point. Jonathan hesitated for just a second, finding himself lost in the passion in Jervis’ voice. When Jervis was finished Jonathan finally tore his eyes away from his partner and rubbed his forehead. 

“Let me get this straight, you want to pamper me? For what reason? What would you get out of it?”

“Nothing! I- that’s not the point. I’m doing this for you, to take your mind off of everything.”

Jonathan gave him a look of disbelief that Jervis did not expect anything in return for his indulgence.

“Okay, okay.” Jervis said. “I would  _ enjoy  _ treating you. It would make me happy.”

Jonathan rolled his eyes at that but Jervis insisted. He put his hand on Jonathan’s thigh, making the other man look at him. “Please, indulge an old hatter, hm?”

Jonathan gave Jervis a look that said he clearly wanted to say no, but he found his gaze softening at the honest look Jervis was giving him back. 

“ _ Fine _ , I will try your idea. Jonathan said, but he stopped Jervis mid excited noise with an extended finger. “But I say no, at any point, we stop immediately.”   
“Of course, my Jonathan!” Jervis said, eyes wide. “I would never wish for you to do anything you were not comfortable with.”

“Great.” Jonathan said. “And one more thing.”

“What?” Jervis asked. 

“I don’t want you to do this for me without you receiving something equally in return.” Jervis opened his mouth to argue but Jonathan gave him another look that said he was on thin ice so he shut his mouth. 

“Well…” He said after a minute, giving Jonathan a mischievous look.

“What?” Jonathan asked. 

“I want you to teach me how to drive your truck.”

“You don’t know how to drive a stick shift?” Jonathan asked, surprised at the request. 

“Never had to learn.” Jervis said. “So, do we have a deal?” 

Jonathan gave him a thoughtful look before he nodded. 

“Deal.”

“I didn’t know you knew how to cut hair.” Jonathan said, taking the offered towel from Jervis and folding it around his neck. 

“I’ve been cutting my own for a long time.” Jervis said, weighing the razor Jonathan had given him in his hands. It looked like it was old enough to vote and was almost more red than silver with rust. With hesitation, Jervis pushed the on button. He was pleasantly surprised that he wasn’t electrocuted as the razor came on with a low buzz. 

“How much off the top, sir?” Jervis asked in a fake deeper voice. He attempted a Gotham accent but instead it bordered on Mid-Atlantic. He spiffed up Jonathan’s hair as he imagined a hairdresser might do, although he couldn’t remember if they actually did that or not. He had not been to a barber since his days at Wayne Tech, a lifetime ago. 

“Ah, just bit off the top, please.” Jonathan said, leaning back in the chair. Jervis tutted, realizing he couldn't see the top of Jonathan’s head so he grabbed another of the chairs from the kitchen table and stood on top of it. Without missing a beat, Jervis continued with his fake accent, spiffing Jonathan’s hair again. 

“Wonderful weather we’re having, isn’t it, Sport.” Jervis said, pushing the power button on the razor again. It came to life with a hearty buzz once again. 

“Just peachy. Though, I could do without all this humidity.”   
“Yes sir, y’know I was just thinking that very thing.” 

Jervis started cutting Jonathan’s hair, letting the clumps fall to the kitchen floor. Jonathan closed his eyes, letting out a content sigh as he felt the razor against his skin. It had been so long since he’d had a proper haircut, one that he did not do to himself in the bathroom mirror at an odd morning hour after a rather tumultuous night of non-sleep. 

“Thanks for taking me in on such short notice.” Jonathan said a few minutes later. Jervis was confused by the statement before realizing that Jonathan was continuing their fake conversation. 

“It was no trouble at all, I had an opening this afternoon.” Jervis said, carefully cutting around Jonathan’s ear. Sprinkles of orange and white hair fell onto his hand and he shook it off as he unclumped hair from the old razor head. 

“So what’s the occasion?” Jervis asked, becoming more invested in his character by the minute. 

“Anniversary dinner tonight.” Jonathan said. 

“Ah, who’s the lucky fella?” Jervis asked him, raising his eyebrows in faux surprise even though he knew Jonathan could not see his face. 

“My boyfriend, Jervis.” Jonathan said, and Jervis’ heart panged at the word. They had been official for over a month now but hearing Jonathan call him his boyfriend out loud still brought a jolt of joy to his heart. 

“Where are you going to take him?” Jervis asked.

“Somewhere really fancy. Maybe the Ritz Gotham. I got a friend named Eddie who raves about that place. I’m not a five star restaurant kind of man but it’s a special night. ”   
“Sure sounds like it. You must really like him.”   
“I do.” Jonathan said, and then it hit him how much he truly did like Jervis. How he adored the blond man for everything he had done for him in the past. What he was doing for him now, in the present. “I really, really do. I’m lucky to have him”

“I’m sure he’s the lucky one.” Jervis said, and Jonathan could hear the blush on his face through his voice. 

“Nah, I am. He puts up with all my shit, always has. I’ve never been the easiest to get along with but he’s always been there for me. He’s also incredibly intelligent, smarter than anyone else I’ve met in my life.”

“Don’t let Edward hear you say that.” Jervis said in his normal voice, unable to hold back his laughter. 

“It’s true. And on top of all of that he’s got a good heart. A  _ damn  _ good heart. Better than mine has ever been.”   
Jervis was touched by the praise but knew he didn't deserve it. He was a selfish man who used the facade of being kind to manipulate people into doing what he wanted them to do. He’d had enough psychiatrists over the years to remind him of this fact. Still, it gave him butterflies to hear this kind of admiration from Jonathan so he allowed him to continue. 

“Sounds like the whole package.” Jervis said, trying his very best to keep in character but the usual lilt of his voice came through.

“Did I mention he’s handsome too?” Jonathan said.

“He sounds incredible.” Jervis said. His hands were shaking from the praise and he had to force them to be still so he didn’t cut Jonathan’s bangs jagged. Not that Jonathan would mind, he was sure. He looked as if he were on cloud nine having Jervis running his hands through his now much shorter hair. 

“He is. And I heard after this he’s gonna give me a manicure.” 

Jervis laughed and nodded at him. “It’s gonna be the best manicure you’ve ever gotten in your life.”

“I have no doubts about that.” Jonathan said. 

Jervis finished one last snip from Jonathan’s bangs and then brushed them back with his fingertips, letting any loose hair fall to the floor. He took a few steps back to admire his handiwork, and when he was satisfied he put down his scissors besides the razor on the kitchen table. 

“Well Jonathan, you’re all done. You go and have a great night now. Tell your boyfriend I say hello.” Jervis said, 

“Sure will.” Jonathan said, putting back on his glass. He looked up at his boyfriend, eyes soft. “Thanks again, Jervis.”

Jervis brushed Jonathan’s newly short hair back and smiled back at him. “My pleasure, dearest.”

  
  
  
  


“You’ve really never driven a stick before?” Jonathan asked, watching Jervis as he pulled the gear shifter in various directions, a look of concentration on his face. 

“Well, I have been lucky enough to have been able to rely on public transportation for most of my life.” Jervis said. The two cities he had spent a majority of his life in, London and Gotham, both have robust public transportation systems. 

“That’s understandable. Now, see that pedal there all the way on the left? Put your left foot on it and push it all the way down.”

Jervis did as he was asked and Jonathan put his hand on the gear shift.

“Great, now hit the break. I’ll control the gear we’re in for now.” Jonathan said, shifting into first gear. The truck moved forward and Jervis instinctively hit the break, jerking them both painfully forward against their seatbelts. 

“You’re fine.” Jonathan said. “Now, take your foot off the clutch and start accelerating.”

Jervis was a quick learner. By the time they got from the house to the nearest road he had just about mastered the controls, only causing the occasional hiccup from the engine if he pressed too quickly on the break. Jonathan was grateful that he could lean back and enjoy the drive without worrying about Jervis stalling his engine out in the middle of nowhere.

“Take a left here.” Jonathan said as he rolled down his window. He took in a breath of the cool afternoon air. It had been an exceptionally warm day but was turning into a comfortable night. 

Jervis unnecessarily flicked on his turn signal before pulling out onto the backroad. Jonathan had only taken him out on drives a handful of times before but they had never met another car on the road out here, at least not until they had driven at least ten minutes north towards the nearest highway. The way Jonathan was directing him now was south, further from any signs of civilization. Here the roads were packed, grassy earth. The trucked bobbed along at a gentle pace, shuffling the two inside quite a bit. It made Jervis grit his teeth to be tossed about as such but Jonathan seemed happy enough, his arm hanging out the window of the truck. 

Jervis carried on down the road, passing the cornfield that they had spent their first date in. Further down from that stood the old farmhouse and the rest of the small farm, consisting only of a single cow standing out in the field. It gave them a curious look as they drove by and then went back to chewing on the tall grass in front of it. 

The old farm disappeared into the rearview mirror, as did the last semblance of any type of established road. Now the only way forward was through what looked like a deer path, and it surely wasn’t wide enough for the truck. Jervis tried his best to keep them on a straight path into the woods but between the dusk light and the nearly impossible terrain he found himself at a crawl. His knuckles were white as he clutched at the steering wheel, ready to swerve from hitting a tree at any second. 

“Erm. Jonathan?” Jervis asked as a sapling hit the drivers side mirror, sending it against the truck. Jonathan waved his hand that it was nothing and motioned Jervis to continue. Regretting his choice in asking to learn how to drive the truck, Jervis did as he was asked, following the slight path through the forest. After a few questionable minutes the path began to open up, revealing a large clearing in the woods. 

“Great job, Jervis.” Jonathan said. “You can pull up anywhere here.”

“And do what? Park?” Jervis asked. 

“Yes, if you will.” Jonathan said. 

“Okay, if you insist, my Jonathan.” Jervis said, pulling the truck into the middle of the clearing and turning off the engine. Jonathan got out of the truck and Jervis struggled with his seatbelt for a moment before following him. 

Jonathan went around the truck and pulled down the door in the back. With a fluid motion he pulled himself up into the bed of it. Jervis came around the back and found Jonathan shaking out a heavy blanket so it laid out flat in the pickup’s bed. Once he was happy enough with it, Jonathan sat down and looked back at Jervis with a ‘well?’ look on his face. 

Jervis got the hint and attempted to pull himself up beside Jonathan in the bed but was unable to find any sort of foot hold for his short stature. He tried to hoist himself up on pure upper body strength alone but struggled to find a good place to grab. 

“Here.” Jonathan leaned forward and stuck out his hand, which Jervis gratefully took. 

“Thank you-oh!” Jervis said as Jonathan’s strength surprised him and he practically came tumbling down on top of him. 

“Sorry, sorry.” He said, untangling himself from Jonathan and laying besides him in the truck bed. 

“It’s my fault. Just got a bit too eager.”Jonathan said, settling in comfortably next to Jervis.

Whatever Jervis was going to say next died in his mouth as instead he looked up into the night sky and could only give a small gasp of “ _ Wow.” _

In the sky above them were the most stars he had ever seen since his childhood. Billions of pinpricks of light illuminated the dark sky with a slurry of deep purples and blues. Jervis was quite literally starstruck with the sight in front of him.

Jonathan watched Jervis, a light smile on his lips at the pure joy in his lover’s face. He had hoped this would make up for all of the work Jervis had put into him today. The other man had practically waited on him hand and foot for most of the evening, from cutting his hair to trimming and painting his fingernails. He had even offered to paint Jonathan’s toenails as well, but Jonathan had to draw the line there.

“Oh, it’s  _ beautiful _ .” Jervis said, looking over at him. Reflected in Jervis’ large, glassy eyes, Jonathan could see nearly the entire night sky as if he were looking into the eyes of the fabled dream lord Morpheus. Jonathan found himself lost in those eyes for a moment until he could feel Jervis’ arms around him, pulling him into a tight squeeze. 

“Thank you for bringing me out here.” He said. Jonathan wrapped an arm around Jervis’ shoulders, holding him back in the hug.

“I’m the one who should be thanking you after everything you’ve done for me today. I’ve never had someone treat me like that before.”

“It was my pleasure.” Jervis said, looking up at Jonathan. He pulled back from the hug only slightly so he could see his face better. “My only hope is that I was able to make you feel better.”

“You did. Thank you.” Jonathan said. He remembered the feeling of dread that had creeped into his mind throughout the morning, leaving his body feeling heavy and cold. Jervis’ touches and kind voice had kept him from allowing the feeling to spread any further throughout his body. 

“Good.” Jervis said, resting his head against Jonathan’s chest. 

Jonathan ran a hand through his lover’s hair, eliciting a content sigh from him. They were both quiet for a while, simply enjoying the evening air. A cold breeze bustled through the trees and Jervis shivered a bit as it ruffled his hair. Jonathan pulled the blanket up around both of them and Jervis thanked him kindly. 

“I could just stay out here all night.” He sighed dreamily, eyes closed. 

“We can do that.” Jonathan said. “And then tomorrow… I was thinking we could call Harley.” 

Jervis looked up at him, eyes wide with excitement.

“Really? Can we ask about the double date?” Jervis asked.

“That was my thought exactly.” Jonathan said. 

“I can’t wait, my Jonathan.” Jervis said, hugging him tightly around the middle. He rested his head back against Jonathan's chest, smiling against him. Jonathan put his head against the top of Jervis’ and looked up at the sky above them. 

“Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait ya'll! I hope you have enjoyed this mindlessly fluffy chapter. Tune in next time for the appearance of everyone's favorite plant/human hybrid, her clown gf, and the world's most awkward Ferris Wheel!


	17. Bacon Wrapped Corndog

“Are you ready to call her?” 

“Ready.” Jonathan said, setting a cold glass of tea in front of Jervis. It had taken weeks of coxing but he had finally warmed Jervis up on sweet tea, as long as he put enough sugar in it to dissolve his teeth. Jonathan poured another glass of tea for himself and then sat down at the table besides him. 

Jervis pulled Harley’s number out of Jonathan’s phone and put the call on speaker so they could both hear. After a few rings they both thought it would go to voicemail but then the phone screamed to life with noise. At the table the two looked at each other, startled by the cacophony of sounds coming from the other end. Jervis was about to suggest that perhaps they had the wrong number but Harley’s voice came screaming out over the noise.

“Johnny!” She yelled happily into the phone, which they barely heard over the sound of screaming, glass breaking, and the high pitched laughter of a hyena.

“Hello, Child.”

“Hello Miss Harley!” Jervis said. “Is this a bad time, should we call back?”

“No, no lemme just...RED?” There was the muffled sound of her talking to Pamela on the other end and then they could hear Harley walking away from all the noise.

“Sorry ‘bout that, just helpin’ Red prune her roses. They don’t know what’s good fer ‘em.”

“Never do.” Jervis said wistfully.

“It's been a while Johnny! I heard ya got out months ago, what have you been up to?”

“We’ve just been laying low the last few months.” Jonathan said. “But we’ve been keeping busy.”

“Keeping busy, huh? Got any excitin’ plans for the future?”

“Well, no, not exactly.” Jonathan said, and then he looked over at Jervis, who gave an encouraging nod so he continued.“We were calling to see if you’d like to go on a double date with us?”

Oh the other end Harley squealed and they could hear her jumping up and down.

“I knew it! I knew it!” She said.

Jonathan blushed and looked away from the phone as if she could see him through it. 

“So is that a yes then, Harley?” Jonathan asked.

“Of course! Where do you wanna go?” She asked and then in the same breath she added, “ _oooh_ I heard there’s a carnival this weekend!”

“A carnival?” Jervis asked, voice high with excitement.

“Yes, lemme think where it was- PAMMY! WHERE DID WAYLON SAY THAT FAIR WAS?”

“Waylon?” Jervis asked.

“Waylon Jones, I presume. You might better know him as Killer Croc.” Jonathan said.

“He was over a few days ago for cheeseburgers!”Harley said. 

“Harley truly has her finger around every Rogue in the business.” Jonathan said to Jervis, but there was clear humor in his voice. After all, he knew his own name was on the long list of Rogues Harley had befriended over the years. 

They could hear Pamela’s muffled voice on the other end and then a moment later Harley was back. 

“Red said it’s about an hour out of Gotham, would that be alright with the two of you?”

“It sounds lovely.” Jervis said, “But are you quite sure we’ll all be safe there?” 

“I think it’s as safe a place as any, really. If we go later in the day it’ll be busy, we can blend in with the crowd.” Jonathan reasoned. 

“Yes,” Jervis said, hating himself for asking but needing assurance of their safety.“But..well, I mean, with the four of us in a crowded space, won’t it increase the chances of one of us being recognized?”

“Well, carnivals are usually held into the late evening, or even into the nighttime. It’s also startin’ to get dark earlier so we’ll have a bit more coverage.”

“Plus people’ll be havin’ too much fun to pay any attention to us!” Harley agreed on the other end.

“Okay.” Jervis settled, trying to push the anxiety out of his mind. More than anything he wanted to go to the carnival with Jonathan. Being able to walk around hand in hand with his lover was a page out of his daydreams. 

On Harley’s end there was an enormous crash sound and then they could hear Pamela’s impatient voice calling Harley for help. Jervis and Jonathan both jumped at the sudden noise and Jervis grabbed Jonathan's hand, instinctively pulling him towards him. 

“Gotta go boys, looks like Pammy needs some more help! I’ll text ya the details! Bye!” Harley said, hanging up the phone. 

“It’s a date.” Jonathan said, and then he smiled at Jervis. “That went much better than I expected.”

“I just want to blend in.” Jervis said, watching as Jonathan pulled flannel shirt after flannel shirt from his closet and laid it on the bed.

“Jervis, there’s going to be hundreds of people there, drunk off their asses and full of enough fried food to take several years off of their lives.” Jonathan said, but he continued to place clothes on the bed. Jervis spotted one he liked, a thick blue and black checkered flannel and pulled it on. Of course it was much too large of him, the sleeves a good six inches past his fingertips. Jonathan gave him a fond look before beginning to roll up the sleeves for him. 

“Besides, I think this is just another excuse to steal my clothes.” Jonathan said.

Jervis fake gasped and made a motion of clutching his chest in disbelief. “Me? Steal your clothes?” He asked. “ I can’t believe you would ever make that assumption!”

“Less of an assumption and more of an observation.” Jonathan chuckled. He finished rolling the sleeves up and then let his fingers trail down Jervis’ arm. His skin was tanned and there was a thick splatter of freckles across his arms and face. For the first time in his life, Jonathan found himself admiring the small marks. His own freckles, which appeared in large clumps on his back and shoulders, reminded him of Georgia. 

Jonathan’s fingers traced a line of freckles on Jervis’ arm, causing a shiver to go down Jervis’ spine. Goosebumps appeared across his skin and Jonathan’s heart raced at the feeling. He wanted to continue to explore every inch of Jervis’ exposed skin but he forced himself to pull back his hand. 

“If you’re done picking through my wardrobe we better get doing. It’s about an hours drive east.” Jonathan said.

“Course, course.” Jervis said. He hesitated for a moment before continuing. “You aren’t taking any fear toxin, are you?”

“No, I don’t think that would be wise. I don’t like keeping it here anyway.”

“What, you don’t have any stashed in the floorboards?” Jervis asked.

“Well...” Jonathan said, a mischievous look on his face as he trailed off.

“I’m going to take the cards we made, just in case.” Jervis said, going to his drawer in the dresser and pulling out the headband and cards. He examined the two cards for a moment to make sure they hadn’t been damaged at all in the last few weeks and then flicked them in between his middle and pointer finger in a fluid motion. With another slight flick of his wrist he sent both cards flying to the bed, where they landed neatly next to each other. 

“Can I borrow-“ He asked, twirling the headband around on his finger and Jonathan nodded before he could finish.

“Stealin’ more of my clothes, I see.” He said, grabbing an old baseball cap from the closet and tossing it to Jervis. 

“Well, you are more than willing.” Jervis teased.

“A huh.” Jonathan said with a smile as he watched Jervis finish fitting the band into the hat. He picked the two cards up from the bed and handed them to Jervis as he put the baseball cap onto his head.

“Ready?” Jonathan asked.

Jervis tucked the cards into the chest pocket of the flannel and nodded. “Ready.”

The sun was setting on the horizon as the two arrived at the fairgrounds. Jervis was thankful he had picked out a thicker flannel to wear, the night was bringing with it a chill he had not felt on the air in months. It whispered promises of the upcoming autumn but Jervis did his best to shake those thoughts from his mind. Although he knew that they had many happy months ahead of them, he was not yet ready to leave this perfect summer behind. 

“How do you suppose we can find them?” Jervis asked, looking around them at the swarm of people. 

Jonathan had been right, the alcohol was clearly flowing firm and steady this evening at the concession stands. On top of the yeasty smell of spilt beer, the two were hit with an overwhelming punch of fried food. As they walked into the fairgrounds Jervis looked eagerly at vendors selling things he had never even heard of. His eyes caught something called a ‘Doughnut Burger’ and he was about to ask Jonathan if it was really what he thought it was when he was interrupted by a high pitched voice.

“PROFESSOR!”  
The next thing Jervis knew he was lifted off the ground and being swung back and forth as if he weighed nothing. Besides him, Jonathan's feet remained planted on the ground but he too was wrapped up in Harley’s strong grip. 

“It’s so nice to see you!” Harley said, giving them both one more strong hug before letting them both go. Jervis let out a joyful laugh at being handled as such, always enjoying Harley’s physicalness. 

“Good to see you too, Harley.” Jonathan said, catching the breath Harley had knocked out of him. “Where’s- oh hello, Pamela.”  
Pamela finally caught up to Harley and stood with her hands on her hips, watching the three with an amused smile on her lips. She wore an unassuming trench coat and a black hat that was successful in both shading part of her face, as well as making her look drop dead cool. She looked rather overdressed compared to Harley, who was wearing a pair of cutoff jean shorts bedazzled with red gemstones and a red flannel that matched Jonathan’s.

“Hello Pamela.” Jervis said, giving a nervous wave. He knew that she wouldn’t attempt to hurt him with Harley here but her presence unsettled him nevertheless.

“Jon, Jervis.” She said, looking between the two of them. “Harley told me you two were an item.”

“We are.” Jonathan said.

She nodded, a somewhat wicked smile on her face.

“Guess we’re trendsetters, Harls.” She said.

“Ooh we are!” Harley squealed. She stood besides Jervis, clutching onto his arm and pointed at both of their heads. “Look! Blonds versus redheads!”

“I would _hardly_ say it’s a trend.” Jonathan said and Harley laughed, letting go of Jervis’ arm.

“Me and Pammy are just real happy for you both Johnny. Now, let’s stop yappin’ and get eatin!”

“I’m starving!” Jervis agreed. He hadn’t eaten anything for dinner, wanting to save as much room for fair food as possible. 

Haven gotten there earlier, Harley and Pamela had already mapped out the best places to eat. Well, Harley had at least. Pamela had no real reason to eat human food anymore, having more than enough chlorophyll in her skin to keep her going. She would still take the occasional bite out of Harley’s food if she insisted on it though. 

“There’s a place here that sells cotton candy shaped like a teddy bear! Ya gotta see it!” Harley insisted, running headfirst into a crowd.

“Oh joy,” Jonathan said, rolling his eyes. “Think they’ll deep fry it if we ask them to?”

“Oh we are _absolutely_ going to ask them to do that!” Jervis said, grabbing onto Jonathan’s hand to pull him forward. It was a familiar touch, back at the house the two spent more time physically touching than not, so Jervis was surprised when Jonathan froze and pulled his wrist back.

“I-“ Jervis started, not sure of what to say. Was Jonathan embarrassed to hold his hand now or was it merely so they didn’t attract any more attention to themselves? Jonathan saw Jervis’ face turn to disappointment and worry. In front of him, Pamela looked back at them, an amused look on her face. Jonathan locked eyes with her as he took Jervis’ hand and interlaced their fingers together tightly.

“Just surprised me.” He said. 

Jervis squeezed his hand. “If you’re not comfortable-”  
“It’s fine.” Jonathan said. “Come on, before we lose them in this crowd.”

“Those games are rigged, Harley. You’ll never win anything.” 

“Says you, Red. If they were rigged nobody would ever win anything and then no one would play! Ain’t that right, Johnny?”  
“Actually, I’m inclined to agree with Pamela on this one.” Jonathan said. 

“But look how cute these toys are!” Harley said, pointing to a four foot tall pink dog stuffed animal hanging from the ceiling of the game stall. “You’ll win me one, won’t you Red?”

Pamela sighed but nodded. “I’ll do my best, Harley.”

Twenty dollars later and Pamela officially called it quits, leaving Harley and Jervis to attempt to win the clearly unwinnable game themselves. She approached Jonathan, who was waiting for them a few feet away, finding a moment of peace by leaning against the back of a concession stand. 

“How are they doing?” Jonathan asked, although by Harley’s infuriated curses at the stand he could clearly see it was going very, very badly.

“I think we’re going to be here all night unless somebody performs a miracle.”  
Jonathan rolled his eyes at that and then set his glance back at the two at the game. Jervis tossed one of the wiffle balls into the small holed arena and it looked as if it were going to go into one of the colorful holes that would signify a win, just to have to curve sharply into the white hole besides it. Even though he had his back to him, Jonathan could still see the disappointment in Jervis’ face by his posture. 

“There must be a jet of air in the colored holes, making it quite impossible to get the ball inside.” Jonathan noted. 

“I figured the same. But you try telling Harley that.” Pamela said. She looked over at her girlfriend fondly but sighed. “She can be so stubborn.”

“Yes.” Jonathan said. 

Pamela was quiet for a moment as they watched their respected partners start fresh with another handful of wiffle balls at Harley’s clear insistence.

“So how long have you two been a thing?” Pamela asked, nodding at Jervis.

“About two months.” Jonathan said. 

“But how long have you, y’know…”  
“Have we what?” Jonathan asked, and it was clear by his face that he didn’t have the slightest idea what she was talking about.  
“How long have you been ‘together’ before that.”

Jonathan gave her yet another confused look and she sighed and rubbed at her face. 

“You know what, forget it.I don’t want to know anyway.” She said. 

They stood in silence for a moment before Jonathan spoke, finally having pieced it together.

“Did you think we were a couple before that?” He asked. 

“Weren’t you? I just figured you made it official recently.” Pamela said.

“No.” Jonathan said, shaking his head. “We weren’t a couple then.”  
“Had me fooled.” Pamela said. 

Jonathan frowned as he thought over what Pamela had told him. How many people had seen their affection for each other over the years as what it really was? How many people had been able to see what Jonathan himself had taken so long to realize? If he had just been brave enough, foolish enough to ask Jervis out earlier they could have had this happiness months, years earlier. 

“Red, I need fried food to ease the pain” Harley pouted as she approached them, arms hanging at her sides in clear disappointment. She looked between the two of them and gave a smile, her posture straightening up. “Aw, look at you two talkin’ all peaceful and not tryin’ to kill each other! I’m so proud of ya makin’ progress.”  
“There’s still time.” Jonathan said, but there was humor in his voice.

“No killin’ anything or anyone tonight.” Harley scolded him. “Unless it’s us killin’ the scummy guy runnin’ that game stand.”  
“As much as I would like to do that for you, Harley, I doubt any of us would end up on this side of Arkham by the end of the night.” Pamela said  
“Ugh, you’re right. We’ll let him go. This time.”

Jonathan looked around them, realizing that Jervis had not come back with Harley. He looked over her shoulder to see him approaching them, two enormous stuffed animals in his hands. 

“I believe this is yours, Miss Harley.” Jervis said, handing her the enormous pink dachshund she had wanted. 

“Oh Jervis!” Harley squealed, taking both the toy and him in her arms and hugging them tightly. “This is the best gift I’ve ever been given! How did you win them?”

Jervis looked away from her as he stuttered his answer.“I-erhm- told him that you’d just recently lost a family member. And he felt very bad and let me take them.”  
“Wow Tetch, classy.” Pamela said, clearly not impressed. 

“It doesn’t matter what Jervis said, as long as I got my doggie I can die happy now.” She held the stuffed dog up and rubbed her nose against it. “I’m gonna name him Robert! No, Danny! Danny the dachshund.”  
Jonathan looked Jervis over and could see only a single card sticking out of his chest pocket. His mouth turned down in a scolding frown and he was about to remark on it when he saw Harley tossing the dog up in the air, laughing as she did it. Besides him, Jervis watched her, a fond look on his face before he turned to Jonathan. He sheepishly held out the other stuffed animal, an enormous orange rabbit, for Jonathan to take. 

“It reminded me of you.” He said. Jonathan looked down at the rabbit and found his lips curving back into a smile. He took the stuffed animal and pretended to look it over.

“While I don’t see the resemblance, it is a nice thought.” Jonathan said. He tucked the rabbit underneath his arm and stuck out his other hand for Jervis to take. 

“Shall we continue?

“Febisweel!“ Harley said, her mouth full of a bacon wrapped corndog.

Jervis and Jonathan both turned to give her a confused look and Pamela pointed to the brightly lit Ferris Wheel at the edge of the carnival grounds.

“Oh it’s been ages since I was on one!” Jervis said, clapping his hands together.

“Don’t they have that big one in London?” Harley asked in between some of the most massive bites of food Jonathan had ever seen (and he had once shared a cafeteria with Orca) . Harley held out the deep fried atrocity and Jonathan gave her a greatly disappointed look. When she shook it at him again he rolled his eyes but leaned in for a bite.

“Yes, but that was built after my departure from home soil I’m afraid.” Jervis said. “I have always wanted to take a tour on it though.”

“Nice place for a honeymoon.” Harley said. Jonathan choked on the bite of corndog he had taken, making all three look over at him.

“Are you getting married?” He asked when he had his breath back from Harley patting him on the back hard enough to dislocate a few of his vertebrae.

“No, silly, I was talking about you two. Although me and Red have talked about gettin’ married someday an’ all that mushy stuff. I think it’d be nice.”

Jonathan blushed and made a point of fixing his glasses to avoid eye contact.

“I would be happy for you two, if you were to.” He said, deliberately changing the subject away from himself.

“Aw, thank you Johnny! If the time comes I’ll make sure you get your invitation in the mail.”

“My pleasure, Harley.”

They continued towards the great glowing circle on the horizon, Harley eating every single thing that caught her attention on the way. By the time they got to the line to get on Harley was looking more than a little green around the gills.

“Oh Red I don’t feel so good I-“ Harley said, one hand clutching at her stomach and the other at her mouth. Jervis guided her to a trash bin, which she immediately began to retch into.

“What was it Harls, the deep fried pumpkin pie or one of the three corndogs you had?” Pamela asked, holding back Harley’s hair as she puked.

“I think it was a little a everything.” Harley groaned before straightening up and wiping at her mouth. 

“Well, I think this has been enough excitement for one night. We better get you home.” Pamela said.

“Aw no, not yet. We never even got to ride the Ferris Wheel.” Harley whined.

“I’m afraid Pamela is right. You are in no position to be riding on anything.” Jonathan said. 

“Fine, you three go on without me then, I’ll hold all your stuff.” Harley said. The three looked at each other, concern and general unease at the suggestion showing on their faces. 

“Harls’, I’m sorry to tell you this, but there is absolutely no way that is going to happen.” Pamela said. 

“Oh come on, it’ll be a bonding experience.” Harley insisted and it was clear by her voice that she was not giving up without a fight. 

“Would we even fit?” Jonathan asked, trying to eye up the sizes of benches on the ride.

“Not with that attitude!” Harley said. “My Reds got a little stuffin’ in the muffin but you two have the two smallest asses in this whole city!”

“I do have to say that’s fair.” Jervis said, and then he stuttered as he quickly backtracked. “Not a-about your behind Pamela, of course, but - well.”

“My ass looks great, I know.” Pamela said, and then received a high five from Harley. 

“Come on, it’ll be fun.” Harley said and Pamela rolled her eyes but agreed.

“Fine, let’s just get this over with.” She said. 

Jonathan grimaced up at the wheel and then his gaze softened as Jervis gently bumped his shoulder against him. Jonathan looked down at him and could see the cautious excitement on his face at the prospect of riding the wheel with him. Despite his better judgement, Jonathan found himself unable to deny Jervis this opportunity. 

“Alrigh’.” He agreed.

They did in fact fit together, although it was tight. Jonathan somehow ended up squeezed in the middle of them, his too long legs trapped in awkward positions. He groaned as the ride attendant pulled the bar over their laps. When the ride began to lift them into the air, Jervis noticed Jonathan’s hands curl around the bars, his knuckles white. 

“Have you ever been on one of these?” He asked Jonathan.

“Can’t say I have.” Jonathan said.

“Oh,” Jervis said, surprised. “Well. It’s alright.”

“Yeah, it's only a forty foot fall from the top.” Pamela said, looking down at the ground.

“I’m not afraid of heights.” Jonathan said. “You really expect me to have agoraphobia?”

“Oh no, professor, never.” Pamela said.

Jervis glanced around Jonathan to give her a dirty look that she didn’t notice. Wanting to avoid an argument at forty-feet, Jervis crisply changed the subject. He put his hand over Jonathan’s and intertwined their fingers together. 

“What a lovely view.” He said

“It is quite... nice.” Jonathan admit as he looked out over the fairgrounds. Twinkling fairy lights were strung up around the food stands giving the entire carnival a sort of aura around it

Jervis spotted Harley, who was standing by the gates holding the two stuffed animals Jervis had ‘won’ them in her arms. She waved up at them and he laughed and waved back until he could no longer see her. The ride crawled towards the top again and Jervis took in a deep breath of the early autumn air. 

“I’m glad we came here.” He said.

“I am as well.” Jonathan agreed, glad to have the experience even if the current situation was not completely to his liking. 

Jervis squeezed his hand again, and Jonathan looked down at him. Jervis’ face was skyward, a smile on his face as he looked out into the night sky. Stray curls were beginning to escape from under his hat and sat in wisps around his face, gently blowing back and forth with the wind. The lights from the Ferris Wheel played a rainbow across his face, accenting his bright eyes.

“I had a lot of fears about coming here today.” Jervis admit, voice soft.“I was afraid that someone would recognize us, get us sent back to Arkham. But this view right now makes this entire trip worth the worry alone.”

He looked up at Jonathan and he smiled, not his usual toothy grin but a more somber looking one. One that said, ‘I want this moment to freeze right here, so I can live it forever.’

“I-“ Jonathan started, and then he found himself unable to finish his thought as he was struck with the realization of how much he wanted to kiss Jervis. He knew he was staring but he was unable to pull his eyes away from his boyfriend’s face. Jervis’ smile changed from somewhat somber to a look of gleeful confusion.

“Are you okay?” He asked with a soft laugh.

 _‘I want to kiss him, I need to kiss him’_ was all that could play through Jonathan’s head. He squeezed Jervis’ hand, eyes glancing down at his lips and only then did Jervis understand. His eyes went wide and then he gave the slightest of nods to Jonathan that he understood and he wanted it too. 

Jonathan could feel his heart pound in his chest, so hard it was almost painful. He had dreamed about this very moment for months and it was finally here, like the best Christmas present he could ever open. Jervis craned his neck up, eyes half-closed and Jonathan leaned down to meet his lips. 

“If you two want to make out it’s cool by me, you know I won’t look.” Pamela said, bored sounding. The entire ride she hadn’t looked at them once.

At Pamela’s teasing voice, Jonathan felt himself freeze, lips mere inches from Jervis’. He pulled his hand back from Jervis’ and seemed to fold in on himself. Besides him, Jervis blinked slowly as he was brought out of the fantasy he thought he was just about to experience. 

“Jonathan?” He asked, but his partner curtly shook his head. Jervis’ own hands trembled as he now gripped onto the metal bar of the Ferris Wheel bench, trying to steady himself from his rising emotions. 

The Ferris Wheel made one more insufferably slow go around that was passed in complete silence between the three. The minute the ride attendee stopped the ride for them Jervis opened the small door himself and flung it open, practically running off of the ride. Jonathan took a deep breath before following him. 

“Jervis?” Harley asked, seeing his distraught face as he got off the ride. He shook his head at her as he walked past her, a look on his face that said ‘do not follow me.’ Jonathan jogged after him and once he was caught up he wordlessly embraced him. Pamela stood besides Harley, a nonplussed look on her face as she watched the couple embrace. 

“What happened?” Harley asked, her face stitched with worry.

“I’m not positive but…” Pamela said, cautiously watching the two. “I may have interrupted their first kiss.” 

“YOU WHAT?” Harley screamed, her entire body turning to face her.

“Look, I didn’t think they’d freak out like that.” Pamela said, jerking her thumb at the still embraced couple.

“You ruined their special moment Red! How could you do that? What if they never kiss now?”

Pamela rolled her eyes at that. “The world should be so lucky.” She muttered under her breath.

“Red!” Harley said and by her face it was clear Pamela was in trouble. 

“I’m sorry, okay?” Pamela said, holding up her hands. “I really didn’t mean for this to happen.”

Harley sighed and watched as the couple finally pulled away from each other. They held hands as they walked back towards them, Jervis clearly avoiding both of their eyes. Harley handed Jervis back the orange rabbit he had won and he smiled down at it. 

“Thank you, Harley.” 

“I think we’ve had enough excitement for tonight.” Jonathan said, his hand on Jervis’ back in a protective manner. 

“I understand.” Harley said. “It was great seeing you guys tonight.”

She pulled them both into a tight hug which neither had the energy to properly respond to so they both weakly patted her back.

“Don’t be strangers. You both are always welcome over at our place.” Harley said, finally releasing them both. 

“Thank you. We will keep in touch. Have a good night.” Jonathan said and Jervis echoed the sentiment with a soft smile.

Neither of them looked over at Pamela as they disappeared back into the crowd. Harley turned to Pamela, arms crossed and red Converse shoe tapping on the ground in frustration. Pamela sighed. It was going to be a _long_ drive back to Gotham.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next were actually the first things I ever wrote for this fic exactly two years ago this month. I started it after spending one wonderful evening at a country fair where I saw an orange rabbit stuffed animal that reminded me of Jonathan Crane. Now, finally posting it all of this time later while in quarantine it is really making me nostalgic for that time. So here are two chapters in a row for you all, as a present and to celebrate one last (haroo) hoora of summer.


	18. Have Mercy

Jervis was thankful Jonathan knew his way through these backroads well enough to get them home unassisted because he was in no state to help him. Jonathan knew this, of course, and as always he knew what Jervis needed. He held out his arm and let Jervis cling to him, burying his face against his chest as Jonathan drove. Jonathan ran his long fingers through Jervis’ hair, so slowly the other man was finding himself in and out of sleep.

Jervis hadn’t even realized the radio was playing until Jonathan reached forward to turn up the volume. He hummed along to it at first, just soft from deep in his throat, and then lent his voice to the chorus.

“Four cold walls against my will

At least I know she's lying still

Four cold walls without parole

Lord have mercy on my soul.”

Jervis didn’t know if it was the emotional overstimulation from the day or the sadness in Jonathan’s voice, but he found himself blinking back tears at the lyrics. Jonathan had told him of his past, of course. How he had been sentenced to life in prison,  _ LWOP’d _ he’d dubbed it, before breaking out of Blackgate and fulfilling his destiny to become the Scarecrow instead of just a murder for hire. He had been diagnosed then, and shipped off to Arkham. As devastating as it had been to be sent there, Jonathan had admitted it was a blessing as well. If not for Arkham he would be going even madder in a four foot cell in BlackGate.

When the song ended Jonathan quieted the music and returned his hand to Jervis’ hair, gently lulling him back to sleep.

Jervis awoke again at Jonathan’s gentle shaking. He wearily looked around and found they were parked outside of their home. Jervis smiled at the old welcoming house and then up at Jonathan, who looked back at him with weathered eyes that were just begging to say something. The silence hung heavily in the truck before Jervis finally broke it.

“I had a good time.” Jervis said.

“I did as well. I’m glad we went .”

“I am too.” Jervis agreed.

Neither one of them made any motion to leave the truck, knowing that there was something to be said, something to be done first. However, the mere thought of the action made both tense with indecision. They were both silent, wondering who would be the first to address the elephant in the truck before Jervis once again spoke first.

“On the Ferris wheel…”

“I-” Jonathan started and then he stopped and frowned.

“I really thought you were going to kiss me.” Jervis said.

“I did too.” Jonathan said. He looked out the windshield, teeth biting at his lip.

“Would you have, if Pamela hadn’t been there?” Jervis asked.

“Yes.” Jonathan said without a doubt. “I should have regardless of her comment but I was nervous.”

“Nervous of what?”

“That I would mess it up. Not be good enough. I’ve never kissed anyone before. Not really.”

“I didn’t want you to feel pressured into it. It’s fine you didn’t.” Jervis assured him.

“No, I didn’t feel pressured. I wanted to. I should have. I just-”

Jervis looked up at him, eyes tired and kind looking. The moonlight coming in through the window exaggerated the sleepless lines from around his face but made him look almost ethereal as well. Jonathan swallowed a hard knot in his throat, losing himself a little as he read his partner’s face. Jervis reached up and gently cupped Jonathan’s cheek.

“It’s not too late.” He murmured.

They both unconsciously moved closer together until Jervis could see the wetness in Jonathan's eyes.

“Hey.” He cooed. He reached up to take Jonathan’s glasses off and brushed the tears from his cheek.

Jonathan looked at him, eyes wide and tears now falling freely down his face. He looked into Jervis’ face and saw only comfort, only kindness there. He saw the man he had dragged out of the rubble of Arkham what seemed like a lifetime ago. Without a moment longer of hesitation, he leaned forward into Jervis’ hand and brought their lips together.

The kiss was brief. Jonathan pulled away to try and read Jervis’ face to see if he had done it right or not but Jervis pulled him forward again into another kiss.It was longer this time, impossibly soft as the two moved against each other, exploring the feeling.

After what seemed like seconds but could have been hours, Jonathan pulled away to breathe and Jervis had to hold back a needing sound in his throat. Jonathan sat there for a moment, collecting his thoughts, or trying to form any coherent thoughts whatsoever besides the fact that he had just kissed Jervis.  _ Twice _ . 

“Are you okay? W-was that okay?” Jervis asked.

“Jervis that was-“ Jonathan said, trying to find the words for what he had just experienced. “That was more than just okay.”

Jervis smiled, relieved at that. He wiped away at the forgotten wetness on Jonathan’s shallow cheek. He wanted to lean forward and kiss Jonathan again but he resisted the urge. He knew Jonathan was probably just as tired as he was, doubly so for having to drive the entire time. 

“Come, let's get to bed.” Jervis said, running his thumb against Jonathan’s cheekbone. Jonathan rested his head against Jervis’ hand again and nodded. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this exhausted, this physically and emotionally spent. It felt like the comedown from fear toxin, long before it had started to lose its effect on him. 

It felt  _ wonderful. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics in this chapter are from "If It Hadn't Been For Love" by The SteelDrivers which is not only where this fic gets its title from, but is also my top hattercrow song.


	19. Lovers of Valdaro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for violence, blood, and gore in the beginning of this chapter, and some mild sexual themes at the end. Yes, it’s that sort of chapter.

A strangled groan escaped through Jonathan’s closed lips as his body writhed and curled in upon itself. His body jerked back and forth, kicking the sheets from the bed like a man possessed. Every move he made, his arms tightened around the figure besides him, attempting to find solace in the solid form there.

Jonathan was having a nightmare, and a classic one at that. The big black Bat was once again swooping down upon him, bringing his righteous fury. However, this was different than any nightmare Jonathan had ever had before. Self preservation was a common theme in Jonathan’s nightmares. Running, hiding, screaming, being torn apart by millions of hungry crows, these were all common occurrences in his dreams. In this dream, however, Jonathan was not afraid for himself. He was afraid for the only person that he had ever cared about. He was afraid for  _ Jervis _ . 

In Jonathan’s dream, the mutated hands of Batman grabbed Jervis’ shoulders and began to lift him upwards into the air. Jonathan wrapped his arms around Jervis’ midsection, using all the strength in his body to keep him on the ground. When Jonathan felt his grip begin to slip, he dug his heels into the dirt, screaming every curse he could muster at the blasted Bat. 

Even in this dream world,  _ especially in this dream world _ , Jonathan knew he could never out-strength the Bat. He could feel himself being dragged foreword through the forest as he held onto Jervis for dear life. Desperately, Jonathan grabbed onto the branch of a tree, his other arm still clutching to Jervis. Batman gave an animalistic wail and Jonathan could feel blood begin to trickle from his ears. He wanted to cover his ears, to block out the noise but he wouldn’t dare let go of Jervis. 

With another cry Batman took flight, his enormous black wings blocking out the sky above them. Carelessly he began to yank Jervis back and forth as if he and Jonathan were children fighting over a ragdoll during playtime. The sound of bones being forced from their sockets filled the air like popcorn in a cast-iron pan. At first Jonathan assumed it was his own body failing him, crumpling under the force of the Batman. He braced himself for the usual discomfort that came with dislocation but found his own shoulders still in their rightful places. 

If it wasn't from his body then- Jonathan looked up with horror as Jervis’ midsection began to rip open. Blood and ropes of intestine began to leak into Jonathan’s arms, heavy and wet. The meat began to fill the space between them, coating Jonathan’s front with a slick, hot layer of gore. Jonathan looked up into Jervis’ face and saw a serene smile on his lips. It was a look that Jonathan connected with heavy medications and tea parties.

The blood coated Jonathan’s hands and he felt Jervis begin to slide out of his grip. Skin slipped from Jonathan’s hands like a wet bar of soap but he desperately palmed at Jervis’ body, holding his lower half as tightly as he could even as it was being separated from the top half. 

Above him, Batman gave one final tug and Jonathan could feel Jervis slipping and  _ oh fuck  _ this was it, he was loosing him-

Jonathan woke with a start, his heartbeat racing in a way that was almost alien to him at this point. He had not felt fear like this in how many years? Five? Ten? If he had been asked the day before if he even believed he could feel fear such as this he would have adamantly denied it. His amygdala was too overworked to ever feel anything remotely close to this level of sheer terror, he would have said. 

How wrong he would have been, Jonathan would have mused had he been capable of it. Instead, his mind was still reeling from the dream, which had been so tangible that it took Jonathan nearly a minute to remember where he even was. He was in bed, yes, the bed he shared with Jervis. He was clutching the other man in his arms, except he...he didn’t remember Jervis having  _ quite  _ this much hair. 

Jonathan opened his eyes and saw he was not holding his boyfriend, but instead the enormous stuffed rabbit that Jervis had gotten at the carnival the previous evening. With a look of impatience on his face, Jonathan discarded it onto the floor. He expected to see Jervis on the other side of the bed but instead he was met with empty sheets. With a start, Jonathan shot up in bed. Panic still leftover from his nightmare flared in his veins, making his heart once again jump into his throat. He was poised to jump from the bed when he could hear the faint sound of the shower. 

Letting out a breathe he hadn't realized he was holding, Jonathan let himself fall back into bed. He listened to the sound of the running water as thoughts crawled back to him from his nightmare, although now they were muddied as dreams often become upon waking. The only thing he could definitively remember was the fact that Batman had tried to take Jervis away from him, had tried to… fly off with him? Yes, he had tried to fly him back to Arkham, or the GCPD, or to Hell, perhaps. Jonathan wasn’t quite sure on the exact location but he still grit his teeth at the thought. He would never allow that to happen, no matter how hard Batman pulled, Jonathan gave a silent promise to himself that he would pull harder. 

Jonathan let his arm flop out of the bed, attempting to let go of some of the tensions there. He knew that if he didn’t let go of some of the pressure in his muscles soon he would be massaging cramps out of his arms for the rest of the day. Jonathan stretched out his fingers and once again felt the texture of the stuffed rabbit’s fur. His fingers clenched into the soft play fur and he wrapped his hand around the toy’s neck. He brought it up from the floor to stare into its glossy, plastic eyes. The toy’s jovial, buck-toothed expression was met with a look of disinterest so strongly that should the toy had been sentiment, it’s knees would be quivering. Because it was cheap fluff and play fur, however, it stared back with a face that said ‘ _ hug me!’,  _ unperturbed by the glare of the mighty Jonathan Crane. __

Jonathan once again discarded it onto the floor, although his eyes lingered upon it’s crumpled shape. His mind wandered to the evening before and what Jervis had done to win the silly creature. He had used one of his cards, one that he had originally made for Jonathan, on a complete stranger. If Jonathan was being honest with himself, he didn’t give a rats ass about the young man Jervis had carded. How many ‘ _ innocent civilians’  _ had he himself abducted and used in his experiments? As far as he was concerned they were faceless casualties in the great name of science. 

If Jonathan did not care for the well-being of the young man, then why did he find anger settling into his stomach as he thought of the previous evening? Jervis had just done what Jervis did, hadn’t he? Why did Jonathan resent him for doing something that several months ago would not have made him even raise an eyebrow about?

Letting out a hard sigh, Jonathan laid onto his back and stared up at the cracked plaster ceiling. He was getting ahead of himself. Perhaps he was wrong about the entire situation. Jervis may not have even used any of his cards, after all Jonathan hadn’t seen the card on the man. The second card may have been lower in Jervis’ front pocket, tucked just out of Jonathan’s view. There was the possibility that he had done what he had told Harley and Pamela, manipulated the man into getting what he wanted. It would not be the first time he impressed Jonathan with his ability to get what he wanted. 

Either way, Jonathan had to know the truth. He went to the dresser he and Jervis shared and pulled out the middle drawer in it. His hand sorted through pairs of socks and underwear until he found what he was looking for. Then, just to be sure, Jonathan searched the nooks and crannies of the dresser to make sure he wasn’t missing anything by accident. When he was satisfied he hadn't missed any, he plucked a single mind control card from the clothes.

Jonathan heard the bedroom door open and he turned to see Jervis in the doorway, drying his hair with a towel. He was dressed comfortably in his usual pajamas, which consisted of a tartan pattern pair of pajama bottoms and one of Jonathan’s t-shirts. In any other situation Jonathan would have looked fondly at the other man, but instead a look of annoyance was clear on his face. 

Jervis looked up from under the towel and jumped with a start at seeing Jonathan’s figure standing in the bedroom. He had assumed Jonathan would still be asleep for another hour or so, and he was looking forward to watching him sleep. It was clear to him that was now out of the picture. 

“I want to talk to you.” Jonathan said. Jervis felt his heart jump into his throat at the request.

“Of course.” He said, pulling the towel off of his head. 

“You carded that young man at the carnival yesterday.” Jonathan said. It wasn’t a question. 

Jervis bit his lip but nodded. Jonathan waited and after a minute Jervis answered him verbally. 

“Yes, I did.” 

“Care to tell me why?” Jonathan asked. His voice was calm but there was a darkness in his eyes that Jervis knew well.

“Well,Harley just… she just seemed so disappointed. And I..” Jervis looked down at the towel in his hands as if it would give him the right answer but it was silent. He sighed before continuing. “I just wanted to make her happy.”   
“You risked our safety and the safety of everyone at that carnival just to make one person happy?” Jonathan asked. His tone was still neutral but Jervis could feel in his stomach that this conversation was about to go very, very badly.

“I didn’t do it just to make her happy.” Jervis attempted to justify himself. “I just wanted everything to be perfect. I wanted everyone to be happy and to- to just have one  _ wonderful  _ night. But you and Pamela kept bickering and then Harley wanted to play that blasted game and… and I did what I could to try to help. To try to fix everything.”

“To control the situation.” Jonathan noted with no humor in his voice. 

Jervis gave him a stern look but nodded. “Yes, I won’t deny that.”

“So where is this card now?” Jonathan asked, not breaking eye contact from Jervis. 

“I had him throw it away. He won’t remember any of it, I made sure he never even saw it.”

Jonathan made an unimpressed noise from deep in his throat. 

“My Jonathan,we’re safe. I made sure of that.” Jervis said.

“How can you be so sure?” Jonathan spat, his voice loud enough to make Jervis take a step backward in precaution. “How can you say that after you have been so careless with our safety?”

Jervis was now unconsciously wringing the towel so tightly that water was dripping to the floor. 

“I- I didn’t- I didn’t think.” He said, his voice inching towards desperation.

“That much is obvious.” Jonathan said. He looked at Jervis’ shaking figure in the doorway and a familiar voice tickled at his brain, sending a warm pulse down his spine. It made him shiver in a way that was not completely unpleasant. Jonathan grit his teeth and shook his head sharply to clear it. 

Jervis watched Jonathan shake his head, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. His lips curved down in a hard frown that Jervis was not quite convinced was for him. He tried to catch Jonathan’s eyes and when his partner finally allowed it he took a step towards him. 

“I’m sorry.” He said. “For what it’s worth. I am sorry.” 

Jonathan kept his eyes for a minute longer before he sighed. He flicked the card at Jervis’ feet with disinterest and then sat down on the bed once again. Jervis hesitated for a moment before he joined Jonathan on the bed. The thought crossed his mind to reach a hand out to Jonathan, to take his hand or to rest it on his knee but then he thought better of it.

As they sat in silence, emotions flickered through Jervis’ mind. He was relieved that the argument had not gone any further than it had. He was sure that Jonathan was still upset with him, but he had let Jervis go relatively easy. Jonathan was known for being confrontational, standoffish, and while Jervis did admire these attributes of the man, it did mean Jervis’ had to work even harder at placating him than he would have to anyone else. 

Disappointment came into his mind next as he remembered his plans to surprise Jonathan with a kiss as soon as he woke up. He had spent almost five minutes brushing his teeth just to make sure that his breath didn’t smell. The last thing he had wanted was for Jonathan’s first words of the day to be about Jervis’ rank morning breath.

Besides him, Jonathan put his elbows on his knees and rubbed at his face. Jervis could see the exhaustion in his face and posture.

“You should sleep. It’s still early yet.” Jervis said. 

“Might.” Jonathan said, although he was doubtful that he would be able to fall back asleep at this point. Still, he laid back down in bed on top of the blankets so he could face Jervis at the foot of the bed. Jervis tapped his thigh softly with his forefinger and middle finger, a wordless invitation. Jonathan took him up on the offer, resting his head on the softness of Jervis’ thigh. It felt better than any pillow he’d ever slept on in his life, even better than the silk ones Edward had at several of his headquarters. 

Jervis ran his fingers through his lover’s hair, his fingertips occasionally wandering down to the short bristles on the back of Jonathan’s head. The sensation sent goosebumps across Jonathan’s skin and he nuzzled closer to Jervis’ stomach for warmth. 

“I had such a wonderful dream last night.” Jervis said, voice so quiet that Jonathan was not sure if the words were for him or not. He gave a noise of encouragement for Jervis to continue, but did not look up from where he laid. 

“You were in it. We were both lads, university age I think. We were walking through Gotham Zoo, holding hands.” 

Jonathan didn’t say anything but Jervis could feel him smile against his stomach. 

“We went on that carousel near the gates, the one with all the exotic animals instead of the typical wooden horses. Do you know which I refer to?”

Jonathan nodded. He had never been in the zoo himself, but he had walked past that carousel many times throughout his life. 

“In my dream we rode it. I sat atop a roaring lion and you an ostrich. We rode it for hours in my dream, until it got dark.” He smiled fondly at the thought.

“Have you been thinking of your youth?” Jonathan asked him. 

“Yes.” Jervis said. “It’s been on my mind quite a lot lately.”

“What aspects of it?” Jonathan asked, curiosity getting the better of him. He switched positions so that he was still laying on Jervis’ thigh but now he was looking up at him. Jervis smiled and brushed a strand of hair out of his face before continuing. 

“I’ve been thinking about what it would have been like to meet you while I was still at Wayne Tech, you still a professor at Gotham University. Maybe we’d meet in a library or at one of those god awful galas the Wayne Foundation used to throw. I distinctly remember there were quite a few for your old university. ”

“There were.” Jonathan agreed. “I attended one my first year as a professor. The head of the psychology department thought it would be good for me to be socialized with the rest of the staff.” He gave a bitter bark of laughter.

“When was that?” Jervis asked, a gleam in his eye.

Jonathan thought for a moment. “Must have been... Jesus....’85?”

“May of ‘85?” Jervis asked. 

Jonathan nodded hesitantly, and then more definitely as he remembered. “Yes, that sounds right.”

“I was there!” Jervis exclaimed, clapping his hands in excitement.

Jonathan tried to think back to the event but couldn’t remember anything from it besides the taste of champagne. It had been his first real taste of alcohol that was not also the blood of Christ, and in his anxiety he had taken to it like an Amish teenager takes to Rumspringa.

“I don’t remember seeing you.”

“Neither do I. But still!” Jervis said. “Imagine if we had met that night! How different things would have been!”

Jonathan knew he should tell Jervis that he had been a different person then. He was a young man still embedded with the hatred he had been taught as a child. Of course he had tried to erase every trace of his upbringing then, his accent and vocabulary, the way of life to adjust better into the smoggy streets of Gotham. But the real things he had not been able to erase until he faced them as Scarecrow. Then he had become the man before Jervis now.

“That’s a nice thought, Jervis.” Jonathan said instead. He took the opportunity to lace their fingers together.

Jervis reached his other hand up to stroke the side of Jonathan’s jaw line. His fingers found a faded scar that dropped below his jaw to his neck and Jervis followed it there. Jonathan did all he could to hold back the instinctual shiver that went down his spine at the intimate touch.

“We could have avoided this life. We could’ve had this all along.” Jervis said dreamily.

“I don’t regret anything.” Jonathan said, pulling back from Jervis so he could look into his face. “I believe everything I’ve done, what we’ve both done, for science has been worth any sacrifices we’ve had to make. Even though it isn’t recognized now, there may be a time when your technology becomes common practice in the medical field. ”

Jervis shifted a bit awkwardly in the bed and looked away from Jonathan. When he spoke his voice was quiet.

“I don’t think I want that.” Jervis confessed.

“You don’t want to be recognized for your efforts?” Jonathan asked, incredulous sounding.

“I see two options for the future of my work.” Jervis said, holding up two fingers. “And this is in theory that it is used for good, perhaps more study is put into the practical uses of its impact on the brain, instead of for- well, you know.

One, they remove my name from the studies, such as Reiters is now removed from the arthritis.” Jervis didn’t like the comparison and he grimaced as soon as it left his mouth but he continued on. “In this scenario, my name is erased or overlooked by the medical community. My technology goes on to better humanity and I am quickly forgotten

In the second option, my name is kept on it and I am declared a hero. An attention and platform I most certainly do not deserve. ”

Jonathan was surprised by Jervis’ bleakness. It wasn’t often that he found the other man having such a realistic and nihilistic outlook on life.

“If you had the power to choose which would you prefer?” Jonathan asked.

With hesitation Jervis answered him. “I think about this quite often. Some days I do hope that my technology will continue to be studied after I’m dead, that all of my research won’t be for naught. I have worked so hard to gather what I have about the inner workings of the human brain, made breakthroughs that, with more studies in a respectable lab, could better the lives of thousands.

But there is another piece of me as well. One that suggests that the means at which I have created these breakthroughs has no moral ground for future use.

And then there is another part of my mind, still, that doubts my contribution to the science community at all, and doubts its realistic use in the practical world. This part often reminds me that I am currently an escaped convict who owns nothing but ten pairs of green underwear and has an unhealthy knowledge of early 20th century haberdashery. I have spent so much of my life unsure of what is real or not I find myself in constant doubt.

All of this in mind, how could I ever wish for my name to remain on my technology after I am dead? Of course I don’t want to be forgotten, as nobody does, but I wish that my life and my studies could be taken as two different subjects entirely. I fear that everything I’ve done will be outwardly dismissed because of my actions, seen only as the ravings of a mad man.”

“That selflessness is demeaning to your talent, your intelligence, Jervis.” Jonathan said.

“Is it?” Jervis asked. “I assume you have other thoughts?”

“Of course.” Jonathan said, voice quick and assertive. The old familiar bite to his words coming in that assured Jervis this was going to grow into a lecture at the very least, and a complete argument at worst.

“You have worked so hard your entire life, why do you think that you don’t deserve recognition? Why don’t you want people to remember you?”

It took Jervis a moment to find the words to explain himself properly. The last thing he wanted was for Jonathan to misunderstand. He could become angry if he wanted to, but only if he listened first. 

“I have never wanted this life, Jonathan.” Jervis said. “I am proud of my work, of what I have been able to accomplish and create but… I never wanted it to come to this. I didn’t want to lose such control over myself. Of course becoming a career criminal was freeing, in a way. I was able to advance my technology exponentially using matters that would’ve had me fired from Wayne Tech. Besides from my work, becoming a Rogue has allowed me to accept and present myself in a way that I truly wish to be. 

However…. A part of me will always wonder if I would have grown into myself in the same way if not for my crimes. I was a young man at Wayne Tech, heartbroken and overwhelmed and  _ alone. _ I wonder sometimes if I could have avoided my breakdown or if it was inevitable? Was there any possibility I could have gotten control of my mental health before it consumed me? Would I have ever allowed myself to acknowledge my sexuality and allowed myself to explore it?”

Jervis sighed wistfully as he ran a hand against Jonathan’s cheek. His eyes looked soft as he reminisced on the time he once had, the opportunities he could now never explore, the future he would never know.

Jonathan frowned at Jervis, although it was not the hard, thin line that Jervis was accustomed to. This frown was one mixed with understanding, with relation. It was the look of understanding and of kinship. Jonathan too knew what it was like to lose everything, your career, any chance you had to be taken seriously in your field, your home, any chance at normality. 

“Well, it’s best not to speculate on such things.” Jervis said. He looked up at Jonathan, face suddenly serious. “I want you to know that everything I have been through in my life has been worth it just to be here with you right now.”

Jonathan found himself speechless for one of the few times in his life at the comment. His chest felt as if someone were squeezing him very tightly and then he was hit with a realization he could not believe he had never made before; he loved Jervis. He honest-to-God loved him more than he had ever loved anything else in his life. 

Their eyes met, and as was so often the case, they knew what each other was thinking. Jervis’ eyes trailed down to Jonathan’s lips, not being able to help himself and that was the last thing Jonathan saw before he leaned up, eyes closing in anticipation. Jervis connected their lips with such force that their teeth clashed into each other, making both of them chuckle. They brought their lips together again, softer this time although not any less passionate.

Jonathan could taste the mint of tooth paste on Jervis’ breath and he knew he should be self conscious of his morning breath. He pulled away from Jervis’ lips to apologize for it, but then Jervis cupped his jaw with both of his hands and pulled them back together. Jonathan brought one hand up to the back of Jervis’ neck, desperately needing to hold onto something to keep from losing himself completely in the kiss. 

Neither of them had ever been touched in such a passionate way and the feeling was almost overwhelming although neither dared to stop. In fact, if either one had their way this feeling would last forever until they died in each other's arms in a loving embrace. In this moment Jonathan knew what the Lovers of Valdaro were really thinking when they embraced each other for their final night. 

Jonathan could feel Jervis’ hands move down his neck and chest, exploring the hard angles there. His fingers trailed along the prominent bones of his collar, sending waves of heat into Jonathan’s stomach. Each soft touch made Jonathan’s heart beat faster as if someone were shoveling coal into it, his entire body attentive and electric. 

With a sudden realization Jonathan found his fingers tangled in Jervis’ hair, gently pulling on the strands to encourage him to keep touching him. When Jervis’ fingers found a particularly erroneous spot Jonathan pulled him in harder with a kiss that left them both breathless. 

When they finally pulled away from each other they were panting and sweat slicked both of their bodies. Jonathan moved over on the bed and put out an arm, which Jervis happily crawled into. He wrapped his arms around Jonathan’s back, tucking his head into the curve of his lover’s neck. 

After a few minutes Jonathan’s breathing turned to gentle snoring. Jervis smiled over at him before placing a kiss on his cheek. He gave Jonathan a hug that was not hard enough to wake him and then settled down beside him, happy to watch him sleep for the rest of the morning.


	20. Morning Glory

Jervis was good with his hands, he always had been. Growing up he had been the sort of lad to take apart the family’s toaster and put it back together, and although he’d always had extra pieces left over at the end, the toaster worked better than ever. Burned out electrical plugs were easily replaced, overloaded circuit boards were quickly rebooted, all under Jervis’ careful hands. Machines were easy to figure out, easy to fix. All you had to do was unscrew the casing and hunt for the one loose wire or broken gear.

Machines made sense to Jervis. What did not make sense to him was the organics. That was not to say that he did not enjoy nature, he surely did. Nature was a cradle to him in childhood, offering places to hide from bullies and unpleasant truths. Growing up in the countryside amongst the toadstools, fairy rings, and the old hollowed-out elm trees had made him who he was today. As an adult in Gotham, Jervis had found comfort in the thick foliage of the many public parks around the city. While inside of them he was able to concentrate, center himself in a way that he was not able to do in the claustrophobic streets.

Being the romantic that he was, Jervis also knew of the silent language of flowers. He knew that you sent your lover Canterbury bells to tell them you’d received their letter, or red tulips to declare your devotion. Jervis was a skilled florist in that he could piece together lavish bouquets that spoke in full paragraphs. Although Jonathan would never be aware of it, Jervis had brought him wildflowers on multiple occasions announcing his adoration for him long before they had become a couple. 

As beautiful as Jervis thought these plants were to look at, it did not mean he knew how to plant them, let alone keep them alive once they were safely in the ground. He did not know the first thing about gardening, about caring for plants beyond the small pothos vine he had kept in his lab at Wayne Tech. He knew that his knowledge of botanical life would make Pamela Isley weep.

It was with relief that Jervis learned Jonathan was astute enough in the field for both of them. Jervis had been surprised by his boyfriend’s extensive knowledge of botanical life. He had assumed he would know about crops, having been raised growing his own food, but Jonathan’s interests in plant life went much further than corn and potatoes. Jonathan knew the Latin names of nearly any plant or stray mushroom Jervis could bring him from around the overgrown yard and forest. 

“Jervis, are you paying attention?” Jonathan asked, smiling up at Jervis from where he was crouching on the ground. 

“Yes, yes, my love.” Jervis chuckled, leaning over to examine the vine twisted up the worn wood of the porch. 

“Morning Glories, members of the Convolvulaceae family.” Jonathan said, running a finger around the rim of one of the blue, bell shaped flowers. The edges of the flower were beginning to bow and brown from the recent colder weather but that did not make them any less beautiful. “They’ve been cultivated for years for their medicinal use.”   
“I thought they were quite poisonous?” Jervis said.

“Yes, quite.” Jonathan said, a smile crossing his face as his hand trailed down the twisted vine on the porch. “Most members, such as the specimen here, contain ergoline alkaloids, which can cause hallucinations akin to that of LCD.”

The way that Jonathan talked gave Jervis the expression that his dear boyfriend had first hand experience in the chemicals. He wouldn't be surprised if there were traces of morning glory sprinkled into the fear toxin mix. The addition of such an innocent, wholesome ingredient such as a flower was something that surely would have tickled Jonathan’s fancy. 

Jonathan began lecturing about the flower again, this time plucking one of the dried remnants of a bloom past its prime. He crushed it between his fingers, turning the brown flower to a powder. Affectionately, Jervis leaned over Jonathan’s crouching back, resting his arms on his lover’s shoulders. Jonathan chuckled and leaned his head back to look at Jervis. The sunhat Jervis was wearing pushed up against Jonathan’s glasses, making both of them chuckle.

“I don’t know how you expect me to teach you about plants and also use me as a sofa.” Jonathan said, straightening his glasses on his nose. 

“You are very good at multitasking.” Jervis said. 

“Undeniable.” Jonathan agreed. “However, this is not so much multitasking as it is a balancing act.”

As a way of defiance, Jervis placed a kiss on the outside of Jonathan’s ear. The gentle action made a shiver go through his partner’s skin that Jervis’ could feel as goosebumps. A blush creeped across Jonathan’s face, painting his cheeks and ears a bright scarlet color. Pleased with himself, Jervis continued to place kisses along Jonathan’s ear and down his exposed neck.

“I- erm, suppose this lesson is over for now, then, hmm?” Jonathan trailed off, trying his best to hold himself together but unable to keep his concentration.

Feeling Jervis’ lips against his ear and neck was sensational, although he craved Jervis’ lips against his own instead. Still crouching, Jonathan turned his body to face his partner but found his balance tottering as he still supported Jervis’ weight. Jonathan tumbled backwards, bringing Jervis down besides him onto the ground.

Jervis gave a squeal of disgust as the wet earth moistened his shirt. Jonathan watched fondly as Jervis jumped to his feet and began to pick leaves and mud from his shirt, making more disgusted noises as he did so. Jonathan began to chuckle, which turned into deep laughter as Jervis turned and they both got a view of his mud-covered ass.

“I’m so happy you have found amusement in my suffering.” Jervis said. He tried to frown sternly at Jonathan but found himself unable to stop the smile that threatened to split his face instead. Jonathan’s laughter, though rare, was more infectious than chicken pox. 

“It’ll wash out.” Jonathan promised, trying to control his giggles. He put out his hand for Jervis to take, which the blond man happily did. Jonathan squeezed his partner’s hand before giving him a wicked smile. Jervis opened his eyes wide in surprise, but could not pull away in time before Jonathan pulled him forward, sending them both into the mud once more. 

This time, Jervis squealed with laughter and delight as he landed on top of Jonathan, straddling his thin waist. He did not even mind that the front of his trousers were now soaked as well as the back. 

“Although, I’m not sure  _ that  _ will.” Jonathan said, and then he howled with laughter once again as Jervis began to tickle his sides. He struggled against Jervis, thrashing about in laughter until Jervis deemed the payback dealt and began to relent.

“Just for that you can wash my trousers for me.” Jervis said, smiling down at Jonathan who wiped tears of laughter form his face

“I suppose that is fair.” Jonathan said. “Although  _ I  _ didn’t start it.”   
Jervis rolled his eyes at that and got to his feet. He stuck out a hand and thought about dropping Jonathan as he had done to him, but instead decided to be a good boyfriend and pulled him to his feet. Jonathan gave Jervis a quick kiss to the top of his head and then they began to walk back towards the house, still hand in hand.

When they got back to the porch,  Jonathan sat halfway up the steps, allowing his body to lounge out comfortably across the rest. The wetness on his own clothes did not bother him as much as it did Jervis, and he was content to sit outside a while longer until it dried.

“I’m going to change.” Jervis said. “Would you care for a glass of tea?”

Jonathan thanked him and then watched over his shoulder as Jervis went back into the house, chuckling still at the mud on his bottom. 

As he waited for Jervis to return, Jonathan looked out into the yard. It looked vastly different now than he had ever seen it look before. The grass, which they had cut with an old push mower found in the basement, made the yard look nearly suburban. The flower beds were all weeded and cleaned. The rotted wood around the flower beds was replaced and painted to a white that matched the shutters on the old pink house. 

Jervis had brought up the idea of painting the house together once they got the siding fixed on it. The comment had bothered Jonathan at first, he liked the old faded pink of the house after all, and there was something special to him about the appearance now. He didn’t want the house to look brand new. He liked the derelict look of it, the history of it. Every missing shingle or cracked piece of siding was a story that the house told to itself.

However, Jonathan tried not to be a sentimental man. He was rash, yes, but he was reasonable too. The house needed repairs and he knew that. The porch was rotting and splintered in sections. The beautiful copper banister that had once lined it was broken off in several places, leaving awkward gaps. The window screens were torn with holes the size of dishes that any sort of wildlife could get into, let alone the mosquitoes and gnats that were common around the area.

After all of these repairs Jonathan supposed that the house deserved a new coat of paint. Maybe he would even let Jervis pick out the color, since it was his idea anyway. He knew Jervis was better with those types of things, and he trusted him to pick a shade that would be pleasing for the both of them. The house was  _ their home,  _ after all. 

Jonathan was smiling at the thought when he heard the screen door open behind him. He craned his neck back to see Jervis holding a tray with not only two glasses of sweet tea, but also a small plant growing in a plastic container. It looked thin but healthy, standing at less than a foot tall.

Jonathan raised his eyebrows at it as Jervis came down the steps and offered the tray up to him.

“What’s this?” Jonathan asked.

Jervis looked up at him from under his lashes, giving a bashful smile.

“It’s a peach tree.” Jervis said. Jonathan reached out and took the small plant from the tray, looking it over curiously. The plant sat in an old peanut butter container that had holes poked in the bottom. It was clear Jervis had planted the seeds himself, although Jonathan had no idea where he could have kept the plant for so long without him noticing.

Jervis set the tray with the sweet tea down on the porch and then sat down besides Jonathan.

“I planted seeds from a pit a few months ago. I wanted to surprise you with it. I thought it would look lovely in the yard.”

“It’s going to look great, Jervis, thank you.” Jonathan said. “We can plant it now, if you’d like.”

Jervis jumped to his feet, sweet tea forgotten at his side. He clasped his hands together and then held them under his chin, looking at his beau garçon with absolute adoration.

“Really? Will it fare well enough in this climate to plant now?”

Jonathan got to his feet besides Jervis, holding carefully to the plant as he did so.

“We can cover it before winter hits, make sure to keep the wind off of it. This isn’t the perfect condition for peaches, but it should still grow.”

“Oh that’s just  _ perfect _ , Jonathan.” Jervis said. “And I had a place in mind, here, I’ll show you.”

Jervis took one of Jonathan’s hands and began to lead him into the grass. They ended up in the middle of the yard, although slightly off to the left. Jonathan wondered if this particular spot held any special meaning to the two but couldn’t think of anything. As far as he was concerned this was somewhere picked at random.

“How’s this?” Jervis asked, grinning up at Jonathan with his usual enthusiastic smile.

“It’s fine, Jervis, but why here?”

Jervis chuckled before pointing at the house. Jonathan followed the line of sight until he realized what part of the house Jervis was pointing at: their kitchen window.

“What window of the house do we look out the most, hm? The one by the sink when we do dishes every night. We can watch this tree grow every day together.”

Jonathan felt his chest tighten with fondness at Jervis’ suggestion.

“It’s perfect.” He said.

Using the trowel they’d used to weed the flower bed with earlier, Jonathan dug a small hole for the plant where Jervis had suggested. The sapling was young and Jonathan only had to go about four inches into the ground, a grave for a mouse, to fit it. Jervis handed the plant to Jonathan when it was time to put it into the Earth.

“You know my mother always used to say a house isn’t a home until you can plant a tree in the yard.” Jervis said as he knelt down besides Jonathan, helping pat down the dirt around the base of the tree.

The comment hung in the air between them before it sunk in. When Jervis realized the full extent of his words he gave a small “ _ Oh! _ ” like a gust of wind escaping from his lips. His face grew hot and he looked away from Jonathan, focusing on the dirt beneath him. With much more focus than was really needed, Jervis patted the earth down, anything to distract himself from Jonathan’s silence.

It was only when Jervis felt Jonathan’s hand on his cheek that he looked up at his lover, who was still kneeling on the other side of the tree. Jonathan looked at him with an emotion Jervis could only describe as adoration. With the most gentle touch Jervis had ever experienced, Jonathan put his other hand on the side of Jervis’ cheek and guided his face gently towards him. Jervis leaned into the touch and their lips met over the small sapling they had just planted.

A week ago kissing had seemed strange, frightening even to the pair. Neither had experience in the motion except when it came to movies or books and those things had not been enough to prepare them for the surge of feelings the two found inside them when their lips met. This past week they had spent countless hours catching each other’s lips at every opportunity, in the form of good morning and good night kisses, as congratulations of finishing a knitting piece, as thanks for dinner, as gentle pleads to become lost in the feeling, to have the world dissolve around them into simple bliss.

It now felt like the most natural feeling in the world to kiss Jervis, and Jonathan would never forgive himself for waiting so long to finally experience it.

The kiss was soft, passionate, everything Jervis could have ever asked for. But he was not done, there was something he had to say, something he needed Jonathan to hear from him. It was something that had been hanging in his head since the very first night he had woken up in the old house, laying on a soft mattress with a musty, but warm blanket tucked lovingly around him. 

Jervis pulled away from the kiss and looked into Jonathan’s eyes. He had thought about these words countless times in the last few months, wondering if it was even required that he utter them. He was sure that Jonathan felt the same way, but Jervis could not let any miscommunication come between them in the future. This was something that needed to be said and this was the time to say it. 

“I don’t want to return to Gotham. Not- not ever, Jonathan. I’m happy here, for the first time in my life. I’m-” Jervis could feel tears begin to fall from his eyes. He did not wipe them from his cheeks as he continued. “I’m finally where I always dreamed to be _. _ ”

Jonathan was frozen for just a second before he was kissing Jervis again. They were on the ground then, the cold, wet ground again but neither noticed, neither cared. Jonathan clutched Jervis against him, while Jervis linked his arms around his partner’s neck in a tight embrace. Jonathan only paused his kisses once, to murmur a response to Jervis before they continued to embrace. His voice was soft, and should he have said anything longer his voice would have broken.

“ _ Welcome home _ .” He said. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all. I’m not gonna lie. I cried as I wrote the end of this chapter. Why do I do these things to myself. Also, I know that this sounds a little like an ending but I promise you this fic is LONG from over.


	21. Cherophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well folks, we're here. This fic is going to be mature from here on out for a variety of reasons. Trigger warnings in this chapter for mild gore in the form of a memory, and for sexual themes. Although there is nothing crazy explicit, it is pretty saucy if I do say so myself. Without further ado, please enjoy.

Winter was coming. It crawled towards them like a storm on the horizon, bringing with it the promise of colder days, even colder nights. Fires now burned constantly in fireplaces throughout the house. Firewood was chopped and collected, thanks to Jervis’ worryingly good use of an axe. Thick, wool sweaters were newly purchased or brought out of storage and placed dutifully in dressers where tshirts once lived. 

Soon it would be too cold to spend hours in the garden. The ground would freeze, the grass brown and then become white with frost. The last few straggling flowers would wilt and soon be covered under snow. The two would have to retreat indoors until spring brought with it thaw, and thaw brought life to their forest once again. 

Winter was never an easy season for either of the pair. Cold crept into Jonathan’s bones, bringing with it a constant shiver that he was incapable of overcoming no matter how close to the fire he sat. The only time he was still was when he was wrapped up in the layers of quilts on the bed the two shared. There, in Jervis’ arms, Jonathan finally found solace from the cold. 

Jervis was more than happy to accommodate Jonathan. The time they spent in bed holding each other, kissing each other, was heaven for Jervis. Even after hours of feeling Jonathan’s lips against his, their hot breath steaming Jonathan’s glasses, Jervis was always left craving more. He knew that no matter how cold the winter was, the warmth they made between themselves was more than enough to get them through.

Still, winter brought a restlessness to Jervis. Jonathan often awoke in the middle of the night to find his lover awake, eyes glassy and large as he stared endlessly into the ceiling above them. During the day Jervis busied himself with cooking, cleaning, any busywork he could create for himself to keep the memories of past winters, past lives, from his head. Jonathan knew that if left to his own matters Jervis would continue with his frantic busyness through the winter, or as long as it took for him to run from his own mind. 

“Jervis.” Jonathan said, bringing his partners attention away from the bookcase he had been attempting to organize with minimal success. Jervis looked up to see Jonathan standing in the doorway. He was dressed in his winter jacket, a thick, hooded thing that Jervis could only describe as looking working class. In his arms was a bundle of quilts and thick blankets. Jervis instantly understood. The only time Jonathan ever brought so many blankets from their closet was when they were going stargazing. Excitement leapt in Jervis’ heart until he remembered the cold the night would bring with it. 

“You’d like to go out tonight?” Jervis asked, getting to his feet despite his trepidation.

“I would.” 

Jervis thought to question the decision before he found himself nodding. If Jonathan was sure then he was too. Besides, this would probably be the last time they could go stargazing before the cold became too unbearable to spend any time in the bed of the truck again. 

“Let me get my coat.” 

  
  
  


|  |   
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In the twenty odd years that Jervis had spent in Gotham he had heard every voice imaginable. Old, young, male, female, and everywhere in between, Jervis had heard them all. None of them compared to Jonathan’s voice. Jervis had never heard another voice that could make him feel the way that his did. Not his normal speaking voice, (although Jervis was of course quite fond of that as well) but his singing voice was what made Jervis’ chest tighten and his eyes water. It could bring him to tears out of sadness, or out of breath from joy. It could stop the world, or make it spin so fast Jervis found himself dizzy, overwhelmed by how tragic the whole thing was.

If anything, the setting they found themselves in now made Jonathan’s voice stronger. Between the impossibly wide night sky and the dark woods around them in the field, Jervis felt as if he were in a story book. This was the ending, he thought. They had slayed the dragon, saved the princess. They had fallen in love along the way. This was the end of one story, and the beginning of a whole new one 

With practiced ease, Jervis pulled himself into the truck bed. This was their trusted stead, he thought with bemusement to himself. This was what they had ridden together to the dragon’s lair, what they had ridden off in again when the deed was done. Just the two of them, together, until the very last page. 

Jonathan had been positioned to assist Jervis into the truck bed, but was pleasantly surprised at how easily Jervis got into it himself. With a fond smile, Jonathan settled back into his spot in the bed and held up the blanket for Jervis. Nearly diving into the open spot, Jervis slid under the blankets and snuggled into Jonathan’s waiting arms. 

“Don’t stop.” Jervis requested and Jonathan chuckled before continuing the slow song he had been singing. 

As Jonathan sang, Jervis arranged the blankets amongst them, making sure Jonathan was completely covered. When he was content that they both would be warm, he put his head on Jonathan’s chest and wrapped an arm tightly around him. He nuzzled his cheek against his chest, and was pleased when he heard the slight hitch in Jonathan’s voice at the feeling. 

When Jonathan finished the song Jervis leaned up to place a kiss against his cheek. Jonathan angled his face down, catching Jervis’ lips against his instead.

“Thank you for bringing me out here.” Jervis said. 

“I’m always happy to come out here with you.” Jonathan said.

Jervis smiled against Jonathan’s lips before turning to look up into the twilight sky. Stars were beginning to appear across the sky as the last light of the day faded. Jervis was thankful it was shaping up to be a cloudless evening. They would have the best sight of the stars and he wanted their last night out here for a while to be as perfect as possible.

“I’ve been a mess lately, haven’t I?” Jervis asked, voice small. There was a humor in his voice that did not match the tone. 

“I’ve noticed that something has been bothering you.” Jonathan said. It was the single reason why he had decided to bring Jervis out here in the first place. This field was a neutral ground for the two of them. This was where words could be spoken freely and openly. Out here they could talk of anything under the vastness of the night sky.

Jervis sighed and cuddled closer to Jonathan under the blankets. Jonathan rubbed a thumb absentmindedly into the square of Jervis’ shoulders, knowing the action would relax him.

“It’s just this damned winter.” Jervis said. “The dark, the cold. It just…” Jervis trailed off.   
“It's just what, Jervis?” Jonathan asked. 

Jervis shook his head in denial before he answered. “It’s foolish. I know that. It just makes me feel as if something bad is about to happen.”  
Jonathan contemplated what Jervis had said. 

“And what is it you are afraid could happen?”  
“That’s the worst part.” Jervis sighed. “I’m not even sure. In Gotham, winter was _hell._ I know that you share that sentiment. Unheated warehouses on the outside, unheated cells on the inside. I would do just about anything to feel warmth in my fingers and toes during that time. I _did_ do just about anything.”

A memory flitted back to Jervis then, one that he had buried deep in his subconscious. He remembered a winter day that he had woken to find himself in a kitchen he did not recognize. He had been wearing his Mad Hatter attire, from the oversized blue bow to the top hat. Seated besides him at the table where two complete strangers, their throats slit and their eyes wide open in frozen fear. The skin on their bodies was beginning to slacken with decomposition and drip down their faces as if they were wax sculptures. It was hard to tell beyond the gore, but the couple appeared to be in their early twenties at the most.

On the table in front of him had been dozens of teacups and mugs, some of them filled with piping hot liquid, others filled with brown sludge. Jervis had looked down in his hand and found the one he had raised to his mouth had a thick blanket of green mold across the top of it. The only thing he had been able to remember was a need for warmth, any way that he could get it.   
“Cherophobia." Jonathan said, mostly to himself. When Jervis didn't continue he looked down at him. "Jerv’?” 

“I’m sorry.” Jervis said, almost automatically. He blinked a few times before he shook his head to clear it. “I shouldn’t worry about such things. We’re safe here. The memories of when we weren’t are just hard to shake sometimes.”

“I understand.” Jonathan said. God knew that his own mind rarely left him in peace for a few hours at a time without bombarding him with memories of Gotham. They were both alone with their thoughts for a few minutes until Jervis spoke again.

“I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you, Jonathan.” 

“Thanked me?” Jonathan asked. 

“For bringing me here, all those months ago. For trusting me enough to give me a home. For giving me so much more than anyone has ever given me before.”  
“It was the best decision I ever made in my life.” Jonathan said.

“Arguably.” Jervis said and Jonathan chuckled at the cheeky comment.

“The second best decision I ever made was taking you down to that damned creek for the first time. Not that I was even aware of the event, of course, but I still will take credit for it.”  
“It was the push we both needed to confess our feelings.” Jervis mused with a smile. Despite the very real danger of Scarecrow, Jervis looked back on that morning with fondness.

“Yes, instead of nervously flirting for another ten years.” Jonathan laughed against the top of Jervis’ head. The thick blond mess of hair tickled his face and he rested his cheek affectionately against it.

“What foolish people we are.” Jervis said wistfully. He reached a hand back until he felt Jonathan’s cheek and brushed his fingers against it. Jonathan leaned into the feeling, thinking that if he were another Rogue he would be purring. 

“Jonathan?” Jervis asked after a minute. “Can I ask you a question?” His voice was soft and there was a tinge of fear underlining it. That hesitation peaked Jonathan's interest and he leaned over so he could see Jervis’ face. 

“Of course you can.” Jonathan said. 

“This… This is enough for you, isn’t it? _I’m_ enough for you?”  
The question surprised Jonathan, but he did not let it show on his face. He knew that this was what had truly been bothering Jervis for the last several days. Sure, the winter was bringing with it a landslide of memories, but this question was what had been keeping him up at night. No matter how many times Jonathan expressed his affection for Jervis, there would always be a piece of him to doubt the sincerity, doubt that Jervis himself was not just overthinking it. 

“Jervis, you are the best friend I have ever had in my life. You’re certainly much better than I deserve. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and it is because of you.”  
Jervis looked away from Jonathan, clearly gathering his thoughts before he spoke again. When he was ready he looked up into Jonathan’s eyes, a seriousness that Jonathan had never seen on his face before. He looked determined, focused to the point that Jonathan found himself hard-swallowing at the passion.  
“Will you really be content to never work on your fear toxin again? To leave behind everything that you have worked your entire life for?”

“Fear toxin is not the only thing I have spent my life studying.” Jonathan said. “My love of literature, of psychology, those are also my great pursuits. Although I do still find myself occasionally nostalgic about my life as a professor, I know that part of my life is over. No university in their right mind would ever hire me knowing who I am, what I have done. Just as I know that chapter of my life is over, I am content to close the book on my life of crime as well.”

“But-” Jervis started, and then he stopped himself. 

“Go on.” Jonathan said. 

Jervis looked away from Jonathan as he pushed the words through his lips. 

“But what about Scarecrow?”  
Jonathan was silent as he thought about the question. How _did_ Scarecrow feel about Jonathan’s decision to officially retire, to give up on the experiments and research they had spent over two decades on? Was the mighty beast angry, discontent with the decision? Jonathan looked upon himself and found no argument, no discomfort, no sadness or anger. What he found was nothing. Scarecrow was not just silent, he was gone.

Was it that he no longer needed Scarecrow? Had he finally silenced the creature for good?

“Jonathan?”

“I-'' Jonathan started, and then he stopped, frowned. “I think Scarecrow is dead.”

“Dead?” Jervis asked in disbelief. He was unsure how Jonathan felt with the loss of his… whatever Scarecrow had been for him. An alias? A split personality? A voice to speak with when he was afraid? Had Jonathan no need for that voice any longer? Had the master of fear truly mastered his own?

“Yes, I think so. It’s… quiet. I haven’t heard him in months, not since that morning.”

“Oh.” Jervis said. He hated the way the words were about to come out of his mouth but could not think of a better way to shape them. “How- how does that make you feel?” 

“I feel… I feel fine.” Jonathan said truthfully. “I feel content. I feel happy. I feel _cold,_ although that’s my fault.”  
They both chuckled at that and Jervis wrapped the blankets tighter around them. He put his hand against Jonathan’s chest, fingers tracing his prominent collar bones. The feeling sent a shiver down Jonathan’s spine and Jervis knew that under his thick sweater goosebumps crossed across his skin. Jervis felt Jonathan’s gaze on him and he looked up, meeting Jonathan’s eyes. 

Jonathan became acutely aware that he had stopped breathing and he took a gulping breath of air. 

“I…” He started feebly but his mind was blank. 

Body taking the reins while his mind was AWOL, Jonathan found himself leaning down to meet Jervis’ lips. Jervis propped himself up onto his elbow and took the side of Jonathan’s face in his hand, using the leverage to pull Jonathan hard into the kiss. Jonathan ran his arm behind Jervis back, hugging them tightly together, wanting to feel every inch of Jervis’ body against his. 

With a gentleness that almost drove Jonathan over the edge, Jervis slowly moved his hands down his lover’s body. He trailed his fingertips against the sharp vertebrae of his spine, following the straight line until he reached Jonathan’s pantline. 

Jonathan’s own hand settled on Jervis’ waist, his thumb gently pressing into the line of his hip. The pressure point made Jervis’ knees weak and he gave an encouraging noise into Jonathan’s ear.

Egged on by the moan, Jonathan shifted so he was leaning over Jervis. He placed kisses across Jervis’ jaw, then began to move down his neck to his Adam’s apple. Jervis looked up at the sky with glossed over eyes, marveling at the millions of tiny pin pricks of stars like holes in a blanket. He didn’t think he had ever seen so many stars before, not even in his childhood.

“‘S beautiful.” He murmured, not even fully aware that the words were leaving his mouth.

Jonathan looked at him with utmost admiration.

“You are.”

Jervis smiled and reached for Jonathan’s face again. He cupped his lover’s jaw and connected them in a kiss with enough force to almost knock Jonathan’s glasses from his face. Without pause, Jonathan took his glasses off and tossed them to the bed of the truck with a carelessness that Jervis had never seen him exhibit before. The passion sent a thrill through Jervis’ body that was almost electric. 

“C’mere.” He breathed in between kisses, wrapping his arm around Jonathan’s shoulders and pulling them together. Without hesitation, Jonathan moved with Jervis’ body, understanding what the other man was thinking. He put a knee in between Jervis’ open legs and smiled against Jervis’ lips when he felt his partner curl around his legs in return. Their bodies moved desperately together in the bed as if dancing together under the night sky.

Jervis hooked a foot around Jonathan’s leg and brought them together at the waist. He was so enamored in the kiss that it took him a moment to realize that he could feel the pressure of Jonathan’s erection pressing against him through his trousers. Jonathan seemed to realize at the same time and gave a slightly embarrassed look. 

“Sorry.” Jonathan said .He began to pull back his hips so they were no longer touching but Jervis shook his head.

“Don’t apologize.” Jervis said. Although neither had ever commented on it, this was far from the first time they had felt each other’s hard on while laying together. 

With bravery that he was not even aware that he had, Jervis reached down for Jonathan’s hand. Jonathan thought he was going to intertwine their fingers, but instead Jervis gently pulled his hand until it was under the blankets. Jervis guided him between his thighs and then laid his thin hand over his own erection. 

“I- I feel the same way.” Jervis said, trying his best to keep his voice level but failing.

Jervis had not thought about the action before he did it, but if he had he certainly wouldn’t have expected Jonathan to keep his hand where he had put it. He would have thought that his lover would politely move his hand back to Jervis’ hip, or return it to his side. Instead, Jonathan kept his hand where Jervis had placed it, even after Jervis removed his own hand from on top. Jonathan did not apply any particular pressure to the spot, but he kept his hand solidly where it was. 

Sure that his face was blaringly red, Jervis looked up and caught Jonathan’s eye. Without his glasses, Jonathan’s eyes looked smaller, but sharper as they looked back at him. Jonathan trailed his eyes over Jervis’ face, reading and cataloging every piece of his expression. When he was satisfied that he saw no signs of discomfort in his boyfriend’s face, he let his fingertips begin to explore the new piece of Jervis’ body. Giving Jervis enough time to stop him, Jonathan slowly dipped his fingers between Jervis’ open thighs. Acting out of both sexual excitement, as well as genuine curiosity, Jonathan let his fingers explore the warmth he found there.

“Are you okay?” Jonathan checked in, not being able to determine if the tension of Jervis’ body was positive or not.

Jervis choked back a moan and willed his body to behave. 

“Yeah,” He squeaked, trying to get his breath. 

Jonathan looked him over again, trying to determine if Jervis was truly comfortable. When he saw Jervis catch his eyes, and the corners of his mouth twitch up in a smile, Jonathan couldn’t help from leaning down to kiss him again. Jervis wrapped an arm around Jonathan’s shoulder, using the weight as an anchor. His entire body felt featherlight, and he was sure that if things escalated anymore he would float right out of the truck bed. 

“Jonathan-” Jervis breathed, his grip on Jonathan’s shoulder tightening enough to be painful. He tried to loosen his grip but found every muscle in his body tense, strung as tightly as piano strings.

Jonathan could feel the hardness of Jervis’ erection against his trousers, pressing itself into Jonathan’s warm hand. Jonathan traced his fingers down the length of it, pleasantly surprised at the moan that it brought from Jervis’ lips. Experimentally, Jonathan cupped the length in his hand as well as he could with the fabric of Jervis’ trousers in the way. Even with the restriction, Jonathan could feel the muscle twitch and strain in his hand. Jervis could not help the buck his hips gave into Jonathan’s hand, the feeling almost overwhelmingly good.

“... do...do you want to?” Jonathan asked him, pulling away from the kiss but staying close, his mouth still only inches away. Jervis could hear the tremble in Jonathan’s voice, the slight hesitation despite the excitement in the words. 

Every inch of Jervis was screaming, yes, please,  _ please  _ just touch me, please just hold me like that- but he hesitated. They had not had an in depth discussion around sex, not one he was comfortable enough to even call ‘a talk’. They had discussed it after a few heated make out sessions, and a few odd times while just laying together reading or while baking. But none of these were as in depth as Jervis would have liked. If he was honest he did not even know what to expect, and that scared him. He did not know what Jonathan wanted, hell he didn’t even know what  _ he  _ wanted. 

“Jervis?” Jonathan asked him after a moment.

“No! No- I-I-” Jervis stuttered, pulling himself up into a seated position next to Jonathan. He brought up the blanket around himself, hugging it to his chest as he tried to find his breath. 

“Okay.” Jonathan said, his voice calm. He withdrew his hand and it hung awkwardly until he settled on placing it on the blanket between them.

“You sure?” Jervis said quickly. “I- I can, we can do more, if you-”

Jonathan shook his head. “No, Jervis. I’m alright. Just breathe.”

Jervis did as Jonathan suggested. He took a few deep breaths of the cold air until he could feel his heart begin to beat at a normal pace again. When the last of the panic was drained from his body, he laid back under the blanket again. Jonathan wrapped his arms around Jervis, although his grip was not strong. The last thing he wanted was for him to feel trapped against him. 

There was a slight tremor in Jonathan’s hands but it still as he felt Jervis’ warm arms wrap around him. They were quiet once again, trying to find the words to discuss what had just happened between them.

“Was that okay?” Jervis asked, finally breaking the silence.

“Hm?” Jonathan hummed.

“Touching me like that.” 

Jonathan placed a kiss against the top of Jervis’ head as he considered the experience.

“You surprised me at first, but I enjoyed it, Jervis.” His voice lowered a little as he chuckled. “I know you did, too.” He paused as he thought about the feeling. “ I have to say it… made me feel….  _ good…  _ that I could make someone feel like that.”

“You make me feel like that and more.” Jervis said. He let out a breath he was not even aware that he had been holding and then continued. “I want to do that with you, Jonathan. I want to make love with you. I just need more time.”  
“We can take all the time we need.” Jonathan said. “We have the rest of our lives.”

Jervis leaned up and kissed Jonathan. He kissed him like he had never kissed him before. When he pulled away there was a smile on his face that nearly went from ear to ear. 

“I like the sound of that.” He said. 


	22. Keep it Safe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No chapter warnings for this one folks. I wish that meant you could rest easy.

_ Ring a ding ding ding ring a ding ding. _

_ … _

_ Ring a ding ding ding ring a ding ding. _

_... _

_ Ring a ding ding- _

“Jesus Christ.” 

Jonathan gave a low groan as he rubbed at his face. It was entirely too early to be awake, let alone dealing with whatever awaited him on the other side of the phone line. He thought about getting up and turning the phone off, but the bed was much too warm to pull himself out of. Whatever or whoever it was that was calling could wait until he was fully awake and ready to face the day. 

The phone ended it’s cheerful ring and Jonathan settled back into the bed, pulling the blankets up around him. The temptress that was sleep had its arms around him when the phone once again came to life with it’s irritating beckoning.

_ Ring a ding ding ding ring a ding ding _

Besides him in the bed, Jervis began to stir. He gave a fitful groan and put an arm around Jonathan, burying his face against his partner’s side. 

_ Ring a ding ding ring a ding ding- _

_ “ _ Jervis, let me get up and turn that phone off.” Jonathan grunted, prying Jervis’ hands from off of his middle. Jervis grumbled and shifted in the bed, clearly unhappy to let Jonathan go. In Jonathan’s absence he pulled a heavy quilt up around himself, disappearing under it completely save for a few strands of hair that poked up from beneath it. 

_ Ring a ding ding ring a ding ding- _

Jonathan fumbled for his glasses on the nightstand and managed to get them on his face on the second try. Once they were on he got to his feet and stumbled to the hamper the two shared in the corner of the room

_ Ring a ding ding, ring a ding ding- _

Jonathan dug around for whatever item of clothing was holding the phone. In his current state he could not remember who had held it last, although he assumed that if it was forgotten in a pocket it was most likely Jervis’ doing. As Jonathan dug clothes out of the hamper, giving them a brisk shake to feel for the familiar weight, the phone continued it’s cheerful ring as if it were mocking him. 

Jonathan’s hands tightened around a pair of Jervis’ trousers and he felt the familiar oval shape in one of the pockets. With a sigh of relief, Jonathan retrieved the trousers from the hamper and reached into the heavy pocket. His satisfaction was short lived, however, as he pulled out a smooth river rock from the pocket instead. Jonathan rolled his eyes before placing the rock back inside and resuming his search through the hamper. 

The ringing quieted but Jonathan continued his search, knowing that if the caller had already tried to call twice they would sure as hell try for a third. Three pairs of trousers later Jonathan finally found what he was looking for. This time he pulled the old flip phone from the pocket like Excalibur. 

Just as Jonathan got the phone free it began to ring again. 

_ Ring a- _

Jonathan flipped the phone open with every intention to turn it off, but his finger froze on the power button. Waiting for him were ten text messages, all from a number he did not recognize. While this was certainly alarming, it was not the first time Jonathan was contacted through the line by numbers he did not know. It did not happen often, of course, but there were times that Edward or Harley had given his phone number to other Rogues looking for business or a simple conversation. While annoyed at these circumstances, Jonathan did trust their judgement when giving out his private number. 

After all, this had brought him communications with several other Rogues that he frankly did enjoy keeping in contact with. Mary Dahl, for example, was rather pleasant to talk to and Jonathan did his best to remember to keep in touch with her between stints in Arkham. Her number was one of the five that were saved in his phone, all marked under coded names. 

Unable to stop his curiosity, Jonathan opened the messages. His eyes scanned down the ten messages, trying to make sense of the heavily coded text. There was something about a job, something that was… expected of him? With his brain still heavy with sleep it was difficult for Jonathan to decipher and he was just about to give up and turn the phone off when another message appeared on the screen. It was filled completely with a perfect square of question marks. 

Jonathan groaned and smacked the phone against his forehead. Edward, of course. He had no idea why he was trying to contact him under an unknown number, but was sure it was all part of some bullshit excuse. Maybe he thought that Jonathan was more likely to pick up an unknown number than his own. Just as Jonathan was about to turn the phone off it began to ring once again. Rolling his eyes, Jonathan finally answered the phone. 

“What in God’s name do you want, Edward?” He asked, trying to keep his voice low for Jervis’ sake. 

“Good morning Jonathan!” Edward said brightly. “Nice of you to pick up. Here I thought you were keen on avoiding me for the whole week.”

“What are you going on about?”

“I’ve been trying to get in contact with you for three days now, Jonathan. It is not kind to block your best friend’s number.”   
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Jonathan said. Behind him he could hear Jervis stir in the bed and Jonathan turned to see him. His face was poked out from under the quilt, his eyes blinking away a heavy dream.

“Whas’ the matter?” Jervis asked, his voice so thick with sleep that it came out as one word.

“It’s nothing. Go back to sleep, Jerv’.” Jonathan said. He opened the door and stepped out into the hallway, closing it behind him. 

“I’m nothing? What a way to talk about your oldest friend.”   
“You’re not my oldest friend and you know that, ya cretin.”   
“We’ve been over this before, Jon. Harley simply can not be your oldest friend, you yourself have said that you had a professional working relationship and-”   
“It’s too early to have this argument with you. Why did you call me, Ed?”    
Edward grumbled in protest at being interrupted but relented. When he spoke again his voice was clean and brisk sounding.

“I’m calling in my favor, Jonathan.”   
Jonathan’s blood ran cold as if he had been drenched in ice water. There was one favor, one single favor that he had owed to Edward Nygma for over eight years. It was one that Edward had never cashed in, but always held above Jonathan’s head for the perfect moment to strike. The fact that he was caving in now, all of these years later meant one thing. Jonathan was not going to like it. 

“No.” Jonathan said. And like that, he hung up the phone. 

_ Ring a ding ding ring a ding ding.  _

Jonathan stood in the hallway, the phone clenched so tightly in his palm that his knuckles were white. He could just not pick up the phone, turn it off completely. Not just that, he could destroy it, bury the pieces in the backyard like a dead animal, hide them from the light of day. 

Still, that would not be enough. Edward knew where he lived, after all. It would be oh so simple for him to stop by in person, just as he had all those months ago. If he did that Jervis would get involved and Jonathan could not stand the idea of Jervis getting wrapped up in whatever scheme Edward was planning. Besides, Jonathan was sure that the conversation between the two would not end until one of them was either carded or unconscious, and the last thing Jonathan wanted was to have to pull them apart from each other himself. 

A heavy pit in his stomach, Jonathan answered the phone again. 

  
  


On the other side of the door Jervis sat up in bed, shoving blankets aside as he did so.  Something was wrong, very, very wrong. As quietly as he could, Jervis scrambled to the door and put his ear up against it. He strained to hear what Jonathan was saying but struggled to hear anything beyond the frantic tantrum that his heart was beating in his chest. Jervis took a deep breath, trying to quiet his pulse and put his ear against the door again. 

Jonathan was arguing with someone, but who? Jervis wanted to throw open the door and confront him but kept his place.

“I can’t do that… No.  _ No _ , you don’t understand.” There was quiet for a moment and Jervis could practically see the stress lining Jonathan’s face, the worry that knit itself in lines across his forehead.

“I can’t, Edward.”   
_ Edward _ ? Jervis felt hot resentment bubbling up in his stomach. This was so like  _ Edward Nygma,  _ wasn’t it? The man was so selfish that he would do whatever it took to get what he wanted. It didn’t matter how many lives he ruined along the way, how many families he tore apart and people he killed. If they stood in his way they were as good as dead to Edward Nygma. 

The worst part of all was that Jervis knew that Jonathan would listen to whatever Edward was suggesting to him. He knew that. Jonathan had known Edward for years longer than anyone else, they had shared heists and near death experiences, run-ins with the Batman and stints in Arkham before Jervis had even carded his first victim. 

If it was possible, Jervis would have blocked any number Edward was able to call from. He knew this was impossible, of course, Jervis did not even know Oswald’s number as it wasn’t saved in Jonathan’s phone and it was easy enough for Edward to call from his boyfriend’s phone. Still, blocking his number weeks ago had filled him with relief and only the slightest bit of guilt. 

“Okay, Ed. Yes. Okay.” Jonathan said and Jervis felt his hands begin to shake. What was he agreeing to? What had he just accepted? 

On either side of the door the two stood in silence, both of their thoughts too heavy for movement. When Jonathan finally opened the door Jervis had to scramble backwards to avoid getting hit. Without missing a beat, Jervis straightened up and composed himself, his anger clear on his face. 

Jonathan stood in the doorway, looking back at Jervis.

“I’m sorry.” He said. Jervis wasn’t sure if he was apologizing for almost hitting him with the door or for what he had just agreed to. 

“You- you said it was fine. You said it was nothing.” Jervis said. Jonathan walked past him and sat down on the bed. Jervis stood in front of him, his arms crossed.

“Everything  _ is  _ fine.” Jonathan said. 

“No it’s not.” Jervis asked. 

Jonathan pushed his glasses to the top of his head so he could rub his eyes. 

“Can I give you a word of advice?” Jonathan said. “It’s wiser to owe a favor to the devil than to Edward Nygma.”   
“Jonathan.” Jervis said, the usual whimsy and charm gone from his voice. “What did you talk about?”

Jonathan was silent and in any other circumstance Jervis would have allowed him time to form his thoughts. Right now, however, he needed an answer and if he did not get it he was going to explode. 

“What did you agree to do?” He demanded.    
“I’m doing a small favor for him.”   
“You-” Jervis started and then could not even find the words to continue. 

“I know.” Jonathan said. “I promised I was done with Gotham, done with the whole fucking mess. And I am. This doesn’t mean anything.”   
“Yes it does! Yes, it clearly does Jonathan!” Jervis said. “This means everything. Why are you doing this?”   
“Because I owe a debt, Jervis. Believe me, if there was any other way-”   
“There is another way! You could have just bloody said no!” Jervis was bubbling towards hysterics now and Jonathan pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel a headache coming on. 

“I couldn’t Jervis, okay? You don’t understand.” Jonathan finally looked up at Jervis. He could see the anger in his red face, see the fury in his shaking hands. He could see the fear in his wide eyes.

“You’re right, I don’t understand. You- you  _ promised me,  _ Jonathan. You were done with Gotham, we both were.”   
“I know what I said.” 

“Then what about that promise you made to me? Doesn’t that matter?”   
Jonathan got to his feet and went to the dresser. Jervis watched on, incredulously, as Jonathan began to take clothes from it. 

“Of course it matters. That’s why I’m not doing a  _ job.  _ I’m doing a  _ favor _ . There is nothing for you to worry about.”   
“What is it then? What are you doing?”   
Jonathan tossed a sweater and pair of trousers onto the bed with a sigh and looked away from Jervis. 

“I don’t know.”   
“You don’t even know?” Jervis screamed, unable to hold down his emotion any longer. 

“He- he didn’t mention. But he promised it was safe.”   
“Jonathan you can’t actually believe that.”   
Jonathan went to the closet and pulled out a worn leather saddle bag. He brought it back to the bed and began to toss the clothes inside. Jervis stood beside him, feeling helpless as he watched but unable to do a single damn thing about it.

“Against my better judgement I have to trust him.” Jonathan said. “I am sorry to upset you like this.”

“I’m coming with you, then. I won’t have time to produce any cards but I have-”   
“No, Jervis. You’re not getting involved with this.”   
“I’m your partner, I should be there with you.”   
“No, you don’t need to be there and you won’t be. You’re staying here.”

“You can’t stop me from coming with you.” Jervis said, hands clenched into fists at his side. He was prepared to dig his heels in as hard as he needed to.

“I’m sorry, Jervis, I really am, but that’s the end of it. You are staying here.”

Jervis’ mind reeled at the ultimatum. There had to be a way to keep Jonathan here, to prevent him from leaving. Well… there was one way, wasn’t there. How easy it would be for Jervis to place a card at Jonathan’s ear and to whisper away all of their problems. He could make it so Jonathan did not remember what had even woke them up so early this morning to begin with. Jervis could fix all of this. He could keep Jonathan safe. 

“Jervis.” Jonathan said, noticing Jervis’ blank expression. 

Mechanically, Jervis’ eyes darted back to Jonathan’s but his mind was busy planning exactly what he was going to do. First things first he would need to distract Jonathan long enough to plant a card on him. Perhaps a kiss would do the job, keep Jonathan’s focus from his hands. Once that was over Jervis would text Edward, make sure he never bothered them again. Afterwards, block and delete the number and any others that Edward could try to use to contact them again. Maybe it would be better to destroy the phone all together. Jervis could make it look like it had finally died of old age after all these years. 

“Jervis. Look at me.” Jonathan said sternly and Jervis’ mind stumbled in its tracks. He blinked once, twice, and then looked up at Jonathan.

“You are not coming with me and neither are you keeping me here.” Jonathan said. Jervis’ mouth was instantly dry at the words. “If that’s what you were thinking, it’s not going to work and you know that. I have to do this. I am no more happy about it than you are. You really think I want to go to Gotham tonight, spend the entire evening with that menace?”

Jervis looked guiltily down at the ground, unable to meet Jonathan’s eyes. Jonathan took Jervis’ jaw gently in his hand and angled his face up to look at him.    
“It’s only one night. I’ll be back tomorrow morning.” 

Jervis looked away from him again, and this time Jonathan let him. 

“I really am sorry, Jervis.” He said. 

Jervis stood besides Jonathan like a ghost as he finished packing. When Jonathan was done he tossed the leather bag onto the bed and sat down besides it. He let out an exhausted sigh and let his attention drift back to Jervis. 

“Eight years ago Edward saved my life. I’m not being facetious when I say that. This is what I owe him, Jervis. This is the debt I am repaying.”   
Jervis’ eyes did not move from their place on the ground. Jonathan sighed again and shook his head. 

“I know what you’re afraid of. That I lied to you, that I’m going to keep doing this or maybe even that I’m not coming back. But that’s not true. I don’t know how I can convince you of this but I am going to be okay. I’m not going to meet Edward as Scarecrow. I am going as Jonathan Crane. ”   
Finally Jervis looked up from the floor and met Jonathan’s eyes. He did not realize that he was crying until Jonathan’s face began to blur. Hastily, Jervis wiped at his eyes so he could see Jonathan again.    
“It’s fair to be pissed off with me. I accept that. But I don’t want you to think that I am leaving you here for any other reason than I have to.”

Jervis nodded, not trusting his voice to speak without breaking. Jonathan took one of Jervis’ hands in his and squeezed it. 

“C’mere.” Jonathan cooed and Jervis went to him, wrapping his arms around Jonathan’s shoulders. Jonathan held Jervis around the middle and laid back in the bed, pulling Jervis down softly besides him. He cradled Jervis against his chest, placing kisses onto everywhere he could reach. 

“Can you promise me you’ll be careful?” Jervis asked.

“Of course I will be.” Jonathan said. “I’ll be back before you know it.”   
Jervis put his head against Jonathan’s chest and shut his eyes. Maybe if he tried hard enough he could forget any of this was happening, maybe he could turn back time to when they were still in bed, blissfully unaware of what was to come. 

“I have to get dressed.” Jonathan said after a few minutes and Jervis nodded, his tears stopped and replaced with hollow denial. 

“I’ll make you breakfast before you go.” 

“I'm not hungry.” Jonathan said, then when he saw the look on Jervis’ face he sighed. “Of course, Jervis. Whatever you’d like to make is fine with me.”   
  


Jervis stood by the sink and watched Jonathan eat at the table. He couldn’t help but inspect what Jonathan was wearing, hoping to see any sign that Jonathan knew what he was about to do for Edward. Nothing seemed amiss in Jonathan’s wardrobe, nothing was missing or out of place. He was wearing one of usual thick-knit brown sweaters and a pair of corduroy pants that Jervis had seen him wear dozens of times before. All of his clothes had the normal amount of tatter that came with second hand, although none were tattered or moth eaten enough to be incorporated into his usual Scarecrow costume. 

The lack of evidence that Jonathan was returning to his life of crime should have eased Jervis’ mind, although he could not find it in himself to feel relaxed. Anxiety buzzed through his head, making it impossible for him to soothe his shaking hands and foggy mind. 

At the table, Jonathan finished his last bite of toast and stood. Jervis retrieved his plate, not looking at him. 

“Jerv’.” Jonathan said. Jervis put the plate into the sink and then looked up at Jonathan, his eyes cold and hollow. Jonathan held out the flip phone and placed it in Jervis’ hands.   
“I want you to hold onto this. I’ll call you as soon as I get to Gotham. I will keep you updated as often as I can.”

Jervis clutched the phone against his chest and then he could feel his anger resolving to sadness, crumpling inside of him like wet paper. Jonathan was leaving. This was really happening. Jervis could feel tears burn at the corners of his eyes but he blinked them away, not wanting to show just how hurt he was. 

“Okay Jonathan.” He said. 

In the foyer Jervis watched Jonathan pull on his boots and coat, both still caked with mud from the garden. As Jonathan opened the door Jervis stood and watched in silence, not able to find the words to tell him goodbye. Instead, an idea came to him and he clapped his hands together. 

“One second, dear Jonathan.” He said. 

In a half jog, Jervis went to the library, knowing exactly what he was looking for. Draped across the arm of the high-backed chair he always sat in was the very first scarf that he had ever knit, all those months ago. Although Jervis had made several scarves so far, all of them in bettering quality, the first he had ever made held a special importance to him. Sure it was misshapen and lumpy, but Jervis  had poured his heart and soul into every stitch. 

Jonathan saw Jervis coming back with the dark blue scarf and gave a fond smile, understanding why he had brought it. Without saying a word, he leaned down and allowed Jervis to tie it around his neck and tuck it lovingly into his coat. When he was satisfied, Jervis patted the scarf and looked up at Jonathan. 

“There. Keep it safe.” He said. 

“I promise.” Jonathan said, his voice small. His hand trailed across the messy rows of yarn, touching them reverently. Jervis pulled him into a hug and Jonathan placed a kiss against his forehead as he embraced him. 

They pulled apart and Jonathan took a deep breath, hitching his satchel up on his shoulder. 

“I better get going. See you tomorrow.” 

Clutching the cell phone in his hand so hard it was painful, Jervis watched Jonathan walk out the door. When he got to the bottom of the porch steps he stopped and turned back to Jervis. 

“Did you block Edward’s number, Jervis?” He asked. 

Jervis froze and could not help the look of guilt that spread across his face. He opened his mouth to give an excuse but he had no need. Jonathan was laughing, a brisk, joyful laughter that eased his mind.

“If I would have known how to do that I would have years ago.” Jonathan said. His laughter subsided to chuckles and he gave Jervis a small wave before continuing on towards his truck. 

From the porch Jervis watched Jonathan as he got into the truck, tossing his satchel of clothes onto the passenger seat as he did so. The old truck started with it’s familiar cough and Jervis watched as it meandered down the driveway. Jervis stood there until it disappeared into the distance and then he went back inside the house and sat down on the floor in the foyer. 

The tears that had been threatening to burst from his eyes came then, and Jervis cried in anger and sadness and desperation. Feeling every inch as helpless as a child, Jervis cried as the quiet of the house settled around him, embracing him like the warmth of the man who owned it. 


	23. Light in August

Twenty-four hours. 

That was what Jonathan had told him. Only twenty-four hours and Jonathan would be back in their house, back in their bed, back in his arms. Retrospectively, Jervis knew that this was not a very long time at all. He could name hundreds of times, if not thousands, that a whole day had passed without him even noticing. Why should this twenty-four hours be any different than those? On top of that, Jonathan could even be back sooner if he hurried with Edward. Maybe Jervis could wake up to find him in bed besides him in the morning. 

One day, that was what Jervis had to get through by himself, one lonely, anxious day. Around him the house began to give its familiar creaks and groans as if it were trying to reason with him and Jervis did his best to listen. 

_ It’s only a few hours.  _ The house said. 

_ Yes, but he’s going to Gotham _ ,  _ house.  _ Jervis argued with the house.  _ Do you have any idea how dangerous that is? What if he gets sent back to Arkham? What do I do? _

_ Then you break him out, Jervis, if it comes to that.  _ The house said.  _ Although I do doubt there’s anything at all to worry about. He did promise he was going to be careful, didn’t he? _

_ Yes, alright, he did promise.  _ Jervis said. 

_ And you trust him don’t you?  _ The house asked. 

_ Of course I bloody do.  _ Jervis frowned. 

_ Brilliant. Then you have nothing at all to worry about.  _ The house said. 

Jervis knew that the house had a point there and he actually found it in himself to let out a small chuckle. 

_ Thanks, house.  _ Jervis thought. 

With the heavy weight of dread lighter in his stomach, Jervis got up from the floor and went into the kitchen. He tossed two tea bags of English breakfast into his favorite mug and went about the routine of making his morning cup. The action soothed him, allowed him to finally quiet his shaky hands and shaky mind.

When the tea was brewed Jervis sat down at the table, making an itinerary for his evening. Twenty-four hours was certainly daunting but if he could break it down into more bite sized pieces maybe he could get through today without having yet another complete breakdown. After all, the last thing he wanted Jonathan to see when he returned home was a table full of porcelain cups with a few pretty blonde women attached to them. 

A proper breakfast first, that would do Jervis good. He could make a full English breakfast, beans on toast included. Afterwards, he could take a relaxing bath. If he wasn’t too afraid to get any of Jonathan’s darling books wet he would bring one into the bath to read. There was a stack of Faulkners that Jervis was attempting to get through for Jonathan’s sake, although the subject matter was difficult for him to submerge himself in. Perhaps in the bath the reading would be more pleasurable to get through. 

With his evening planned out, Jervis let a hesitant smile bloom into a confident one. He could get through these next twenty-four hours, and he didn’t even need to talk to the house anymore to do it. 

Jervis was relaxing in the tub when the cell phone Jonathan had left for him began to ring on the sink. Jervis shot to his feet, bringing with him a waterfall of bathwater onto the floor. Once out of the tub, his soapy foot failed to find traction on the linoleum floor and Jervis fell forward, arms flailing wildly at his side. By a stroke of dumb luck Jervis’ hand smacked the cell phone from the sink and sent it flying straight out of the room and into the hallway. Without skipping a beat, Jervis got back to his feet and scrambled naked into the hallway after it. 

Once it was safely in his hands again he flipped it open and practically shoved it against his ear. 

“Hello, Jonathan?” Jervis said, his voice breathless and pained from the spill he had taken. 

“Everything alright there, Jervis? You sound out of breath.”   
Jervis chuckled and went to run a hand through his hair only to remember that it was soaking wet. He went back into the bathroom and grabbed his towel from the rack.

“Yes, I’m fine. Just was in the bath.”   
“Hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.” Jonathan said. 

Jervis dropped his towel in surprise at the double entendre and hurriedly picked it up again. 

“Just  _ ‘Light in August’.” _ Jervis said, wrapping the towel around his waist. 

“You still on that? Here I thought you’d be done by now.” Jonathan joked.

“I am taking my time with it.” Jervis agreed. “I have to say I can see why you used the alias Joe Christmas for so many years.”

“What can I say? We are both martyrs of our crafts, Jervis.”

Jervis chuckled at that as he walked through the hallway, glad that Jonathan was not there to see the almighty mess he was making of the carpet. 

“You certainly are, my dear Jonathan.” Jervis said. “Now please, tell me how things are going.”   
Jonathan gave a long, exhausted sigh.

“They’re fine, I suppose. Ed’s pissing me off, but that’s normal.” Jervis could hear Edward’s indignant voice on the phone and he smiled to himself, picturing the look on the man’s face. 

“Yes, but what are you doing? Is it safe?” Jervis asked. 

“Yes, Jervis, it’s safe. You don’t need to worry.” Jonathan said. “I promised you, didn’t I?”

On the other end of the line Edward said something that Jervis could not fully hear but by Jonathan’s flustered tone he was sure that it was an innuendo. 

“Enough out of you, Ed.” He said. He sighed into the phone again before continuing. “Listen, Jervis, I have to get back. I just wanted to let you know I got here okay.” 

“Thank you for calling.” Jervis said. “Please keep in touch as much as you can, okay?”

“I will, I promise.” Jonathan said. “Bye, Jervis.” 

Jervis kept the phone up to his ear long after Jonathan had disconnected the phone line. 

  
  


Jervis spent the next several hours wandering the house like a spirit, unable to commit himself to any one activity for long before his mind was filled with the ever creeping dread of anxiety. When this happened he would stop what he was doing and move on to the next laborious action, hopeful that this would be the one to finally silence his anxious mind. 

Over the course of the eight hours since Jonathan’s phone call Jervis had not only dusted every inch of the house he could reach, but he had also found a can of wood oil in a closet and proceeded to polish every hardwood surface that there was as well. The old house’s floorboards now shone well enough that Jervis could see himself in them, an accomplishment he was fairly proud of. 

When Jervis ran out of things to clean, he moved on to his knitting. This activity kept his mind for only a few minutes until he realized that he was incapable of keeping track of his stitches with his mind as frazzled as it was. Still, he persisted forward and found himself frustrated as days of work fell apart in his hands. His first attempt at a shawl, a simple but dreadfully laborious thing, came away ruined with only a single dropped stitch. With contempt, Jervis cast the mess of yarn away and got to his feet. 

Jervis went up to their bedroom and was disappointed when he couldn’t find anything obviously out of place to clean or organize. ‘ _ Light in August’  _ still sat on the bed from where he had discarded it, but Jervis knew that he didn’t have the concentration to focus on any books at the moment. 

With a sigh, Jervis sat down on the bed and ran a hand through his hair. He missed Jonathan, there was no denying that. Even one day without the man was difficult to get through. Jervis missed the sound of his voice and the warmth of his body besides his. He missed the way Jonathan’s touches stirred butterflies in his stomach but also brought comfort to his anxieties. He missed how safe Jonathan made him feel in this old house, how right it all felt when he was here. 

Jervis went to the dresser and let his fingers search through Jonathan’s sweaters until he picked one at random. He held it up to his face and breathed in deep, letting Jonathan’s familiar smell surround him. There was something special about the way Jonathan smelled, an Earthy mixture of dirt and straw as if the years surrounded by hay had permanently seeped into his skin. Below that was the faint cotton of his cheap shampoo and lavender soap that he had just begun to buy for Jervis.

If Jervis could not get the smell from Jonathan himself tonight then his sweater would have to do. Jervis brought it back to the bed and laid down, hugging the scratchy fabric against his chest. He knew that it was a childish action to find solace in such an item but he couldn't help himself. The fabric comforted him, and comfort was what Jervis needed right now. 

  
  


Jervis was not even aware that he had fallen asleep until he awoke to the sound of the phone ringing on the bed next to him. Disoriented, he sat up with a start and began to frantically paw at the sheets around him until he found the phone in the darkness. 

“‘ellowassamatter?” He asked, voice slurring with speech.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to wake ya.” Jonathan chuckled on the other end.

Jervis wiped the sleep from his eyes. 

“No, no, it’s fine. I’m happy you called. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah everything's fine, I just wanted to check in.” Jonathan said. Jervis’ heart felt tight in his chest at the words. 

“Thank you, my dear. How are things going?”

“Well, Edward is still driving me up the fucking wall.”

Jervis laughed at that.

“How many riddles has he made you answer so far?”

“I couldn’t keep track.” Jonathan said. “You know he actually asked me ‘ what’s the password’ to get into his office?”

“Is that technically a riddle?” Jervis asked in between laughs.

“Hell if I know!” Jonathan said, chuckling along with him.

“Did you guess it right?” Jervis asked.

“No, how in the hell was I supposed to know it? He made me stand there for ten minutes guessing until Oswald passed by and told me it.”

“HE WHAT?” Edward shrieked from far away on the other end of the telephone. “He and I are going to have a  _ conversation  _ about that!”’

“You don’t just barge into someone’s room like that, Ed. Don’t you know that’s rude? You have to at least give them the password first.” Jonathan said.

“Oh  very  funny Jon. Although I do suppose you’re right, who knows what I could’ve walked in on. I was just bringing you the charger for that. Make sure you plug it in when you're done and don’t go through my email. Or my messages. Especially from Oswald.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Jonathan assured him.

“Right, if you get anything on my phone I keep alcohol wipes in my jacket pocket as you know but it’ll be kinder just to burn it.”

Jervis laughed at that and could practically hear Jonathan rolling his eyes.

“I’ll make sure it’s in tip top shape Riddler.”

“I appreciate it. Good night Jon, do try to keep it down. Good night Jervis!” He added in a louder voice.

“Goodnight Ed.” Jervis said and Jonathan relayed his message.

When he was gone Jonathan sighed into the phone.

“See? Driving me nuts. Doesn’t even knock.”

“You’re just lucky he’s letting you sleep at all.” Jervis said, knowing Edward’s constant need to reiterate his plans for hours without break. 

“He didn’t want to, believe me, but my head was starting to droop at the table. Guess I’m getting old.”

Jervis rolled his eyes at that, knowing that they had both passed the line into middle aged long ago. How Edward still kept up his nocturnal nights and early mornings he would never know. 

“When you get home we can sleep in.” Jervis said. 

Jonathan hummed and Jervis could hear him pulling blankets around himself in the bed. 

“I’m looking forward to that, Jervis. I’m hoping I can get done here by morning’s light, although I wouldn’t bank on it with Edward.”

“Don’t rush yourself.” Jervis said, although thinking the opposite. He so very wanted Jonathan to be out of Gotham as soon as he could be. In Jervis’ mind the longer he spent in Gotham, the longer the giant metaphorical clock ticked down to disaster. Still, he wanted Jonathan to get whatever this job was done right so Edward would not be able to call him out on it again.

“That’s impossible to do with Ed anyway, you know how he is. But this honestly shouldn’t take more than a few hours.”

“But it’s safe, this- this whatever you are doing?” Jervis asked him, unable to hold back his worry.

“It is. I’m surprised about it, to be honest with you. I don’t know why Edward would use his favor on such a simple job. There were plenty of times he could have called it in on things he actually needed me for. If anything, I’m just here to cross his Ts and dot his Is.”

Jervis thought about what Jonathan had said, and then sighed. 

“I think you said it yourself before, Jonathan.” Jervis said. “We’re getting old, and we’re retired. Edward knew he was running out of time to use it.”   
“I suppose you’re right.” Jonathan said, and Jervis could hear that he was slightly relieved by the answer he had given. 

Jervis knew that he should let Jonathan sleep, after all he probably only had an hour or two before Edward woke him up for whatever late-night shenanigans he had planned. He knew this, and yet he could not help himself from encouraging Jonathan to talk, even as his own eyelids began to droop. 

Face nestled in Jonathan’s sweater, Jervis closed his eyes and listened to his lover’s voice. There was such warmth there, warmth that reminded Jervis of the summer nights they had spent out on the porch together. He could almost hear the sound of ice clinking in their glasses of sweet tea, and could almost feel the gentle summer breeze on his face. Jervis would give anything to be back in that time right now.

“Jervis?” Jonathan asked, realizing that his partner had not said anything in several minutes. He was worried for a moment that he had somehow upset him, before he listened and could hear Jervis breathing on the other side, clearly asleep. 

Jonathan thought about how cute Jervis must look with the phone still in his hand, fast asleep in their bed. The thought itself was enough to make his chest ache with longing for the other man. The faster Jonathan could be done with this job and back home than the better. 

“Goodnight.” Jonathan said to the static on the telephone line. He listened again to make sure Jervis really was asleep before he continued. “I love you, Jervis.”

Heart beating furiously in his chest, Jonathan hung up the phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you believe that we are twenty-three chapters in and these losers haven't even told each other I love you yet? That's called trauma, baby!  
>  I’ve been waiting months to post these upcoming chapters and I am very excited to finally be able to share them with you. This fic is about to get rolling in a very major way.


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